My M20 boyfriend has been leading a double life since day one. I F19 am stuck in a loop of cheating, gaslighting, and verbal abuse.
(Im sorry but this is gonna be long to get the whole context out) I F(19) don't even know where to start. I am a college student living away from home, and I feel completely isolated, and stripped of my self-respect. My boyfriend "X" M(20) and I met in October and started dating almost immediately. I fell in love incredibly fast, and at the beginning, everything felt perfect. He had a female best friend here at college named "A," who used to come over to his apartment while I was around. I felt a little bit of normal jealousy, but I trusted him fully. And me and her also became good friends along the way we were even planning his birthday party together, He also had another female best friend back in his hometown named "B." In March, I found out that he had been cheating on me with A. They hadn't just messed up once they had been physical 4 to 5 times a week since October. To make matters worse, when A finally told me the truth about the cheating, she also told me that both A and B were actually his exes. He had lied to me, labeling his exes as just "best friends" this whole time. When I caught him, he cried, begged, and apologized aggressively. "I always fuck up and lose all the good things in my life." It was exam time, and I was completely broken. I used to just sit and cry to him that he betrayed me and that I had no one else here in this city to count on. Looking back, that isolation is the only reason I went back to him. I felt like I had zero self-respect.
A week after we got back together, I sent a friend request to a guy I knew by name. I didn't think it through, we never talked, never liked each other's stories, and had absolutely no contact. But X found out about the request. He blew up called me slurs, and broke up with me. I was the one who ended up begging. I used to go to his apartment and beg him that we could fix things, but he claimed he didn't want to date anymore. Around April 20th, I went through his phone and found out he was already dating another girl, "C," from his hometown. Mind you, even though we were "broken up," he was still meeting me every single day, and it felt exactly like a relationship just without the commitment on his end. He had also started talking to his ex/best friend A again during this time. When I confronted him about the new girl, he flipped it on me and yelled, "You're not my girlfriend, how dare you go through my phone?" The very next day, we magically "made up" and he asked me out again. But now I realize the only reason he asked me out was because during our fight, I told him, "do whatever you want, just don't hide shit from me." He took that sentence as a green light. A few days ago, I asked him why he was still talking to A. He just shrugged and said, "You said I don't have to hide stuff from you, that's all." He didn't say another word and ignored me the rest of the day. Today, he was acting extremely suspicious. He was continuously texting someone, and every single time I stood up or walked near him, he would quickly change his screen or lock his phone. My gut is telling me he didn't even sleep at his own apartment last night I feel like he was at hers. I am costing myself my mental health, my sanity, and my studies. I want so badly for things to go back to the way they felt in October. Our relationship is entirely one-sided. He controls everything, and when I try to express myself, I freeze up and just sit there in silence because I'm terrified he will call me names or leave again.