How do I handle my sister using my name for her second child?
TLDR; My sister just named her second child after my established family name, and I would like some advice on how to handle the situation. My wife is infertile and we are adopting children, so I can't help but feel that my sister and my dad will not accept our children since they are not "blood" - hence why I believe my sister named her child after my father, instead of allowing me to do it. Sorry this is so long - just typing this out is part therapy - but I hope the details help.
I am 35M, married to a 35F, and I have a 32F sister, married to a 33M. I am a third (i.e. - not using my real name - but John Smith III will serve for the purpose of this question). Long story, but I am actually the 7th first born son to carry this name. The old tradition is that the first born son was named Jr. or the III based on whether the grandfather was alive at the time of the son's birth. Thus I was named III instead of VII or Jr. since my grandfather was alive when I was born (my dad and grandfather were both Jr. since their grandfathers were dead when they were born). 16 years ago, I promised my grandfather on his deathbed, with my father present, that I would continue the naming tradition - this is a very well known and very old tradition, and something important to my entire extended family, but especially important to me (and certainly my father). My entire life I always knew that my first born son (assuming I had one) would carry my name - as did everyone in my large, extended family (about 50 of us on my Dad's side).
However, my wife is infertile, as is also well known in my family (and well known to me, and my family, for years before we got married - it never bothered me since my wife also wanted (adopted) kids, and no one in my family ever objected or said I was letting people down or anything like that). Adoption is a difficult process, and while we have not adopted children yet, it is also very well known that we are working on the process. We hope to have our first baby within the next year or so. I would say my family is supportive, and I have never had any real concerns about them not accepting our adopted children - one of my older cousins from my Dad's generation is adopted, and he is my Dad's best friend. My wife (also adopted) has always been more suspicious that bloodline was actually more important than anyone let on, but I have always maintained that no one in my family feels this way. My wife and my sister have always - literally since the first introduction - had a very strained relationship. I would not say that they hate each other, but they certainly do not like each other and try to avoid contact. I used to have one of the best sibling relationships I was aware of, but since I started dating my wife about 8 years ago, my relationship with my sister has largely broken down. We still speak once a month or so (we live in different cities) - but we're not friends like we used to be. We certainly no longer confide in each other. She wanted me to break up with my then GF (now wife) about 7 years ago, and things have not been the same since. It can certainly be argued that I choose my wife over my sister - which probably has some truth - but I have tried to avoid looking at it that way. They are both important to me, and the degradation of the relationship between me and my sister has really hurt me. However, my sister does not have the same sense of loss based on our conversations - to use her words, she believes we have just grown apart. My wife has tried to be more friendly, but my sister has largely responded with resigned acceptance that she will have to deal with my wife for the rest of her life. In short, my wife and sister are civil at family events, but that is probably the best their relationship will ever be.
For a little more background, my parents had a nasty divorce about 20 years ago over an affair my dad had with his current, 8 years younger wife. My sister was devastated at the time (although the affair was largely hidden from both of us contemporaneously), but my mother (even at her angriest) felt it was important for us kids to maintain a relationship with our father. I basically ignored the divorce, but my sister did not have that luxury. My dad filed for divorce within a week of me leaving for college more than 1000 miles away, so I was not as effected as my sister, who was just starting her freshman year in high school and actually had to live through my dad leaving the house and 4 years of nasty legal disputes before it was actually finalized. The affair came out during these legal disputes - largely because my mom was trying to reconcile, and my dad clearly did not love her anymore. Over the years, my sister forgave my father and has been much closer with him than me for at least a decade. My dad was very hard on me growing up - which is good, because I was a mess as a teenager (lots of drinking, poor grades and typical dumb teen stuff, although I was never arrested or anything like that), and his stern hand formed me into a decent man - but as a result, we do not have a particularly warm relationship as adults. My dad and I get along fine, but we largely avoid talking about our personal lives - I am much closer with my mom in that regard. Meanwhile, my sister was always the adored baby girl in my father's eyes. So I was working construction in the summers in high school, did his yard work, built a French drain at his house to address erosion issues, etc., while my sister got a new car at 16 and a paid trip to Europe when she graduated college. Even at the time it did not bother me. She was a better teen than me, and I always felt that her favorable treatment was a combination of her earning it and my dad trying to buy his way into her good graces. Moreover, I am fiercely independent, and I doubt I would have accepted a car or a trip even if it had been offered to me. I worked hard in college and paid for my own backpacking trip to Europe, and honestly that's the way I wanted it. I am a successful lawyer today, so something worked. My point is that I struggled with school and discipline a lot more in my teenage years than my sister did (who is also a successful adult), and our adult relationships with my dad have been formed by his strictness when I was a teen and his redemption with my sister, while I was never as hard on him about the divorce and/or affair. Hopefully that gives a little more info on the relationship between the three of us.
Last week my sister had her second child - also a boy. The first boy was not named after me (or anyone for that matter - totally made up new name). She named her new baby's middle name after me, my father, and the 5 generations before us (i.e. she named him Andrew John Smith Johnson - the first name is new, and the last name is her husband's last name - but she included my first and last name as a double middle name). She did not discuss this with me whatsoever. I called to congratulate the birth of the baby, and she said she would announce the name to the grandparents first (who were also supposedly in the dark). Two days later I got a text from her husband with the name, and I have not spoken to any of them since, and they have not reached out. They also have an infant at home, so I am not reading into that too much. But they certainly did not inform me ahead of time, nor asked my opinion on the matter. I have a very hard time believing that my sister did not discuss this with my father ahead of time, and I cannot help but suspect that this is something my dad asked of her after she had her first born.
To be clear, my sister can name her kids whatever she wants. If my wife was fertile, I doubt this would have happened. Which is exactly my problem - it seems like neither she nor my father will accept our adopted children - or maybe better stated, they will be second class to her "blood" children.
I have a few questions if any of you can help me:
I cannot help but think she did this behind my back with my father. I cannot help but conclude that they are saying that my children cannot be accepted - or entrusted - with my name since they are not blood relations. Am I reading too much into this?
What, if anything, can I do? I feel like if I ask directly I will only be lied to. My father has certainly lied to me repeatedly after his affair, and I do not trust my sister anymore either. In other words, I believe that if I express my concerns directly (i.e. will you accept my adopted children), it will come off as me being unreasonable. To get more information I think I will need to wait - likely months - and see if I can't get some admissions when my sister and dad are more off guard.
I have heard from a few of my extended family, who were surprised - even shocked - and called to see my reaction. I have been very demure - I honestly have not fully wrapped my head around this yet. I have not directly expressed my concerns about my father and sister's opinion of my adopted children to anyone other than my wife and my closest, oldest friend, who grew up with my family with me, we have been friends since pre-k. To be clear, he feels similarly as I do - that he cannot believe that my dad and sister would be obsessed with bloodline, but he has no other explanation for the facts on the ground. The general tone from the extended family is more concern that this will damage the extended family relations at large and they are trying to avoid that. My father took up the torch of unofficial family leader (hosting holidays, having spare rooms for when people visit, etc.) after the last of my grandfather's generation died, and I am widely regarded as the next in line after my father's generation as the oldest in my generation who has stayed in our home town (although that is hopefully decades away). I put a lot of stock into that - I feel we are lucky and blessed to have this extended family, and I want these relationships to continue. Can any of you with larger extended families offer some advice in the context of managing many relationships? I feel obligated to be the bigger person if only for the sake of family unity.
Finally, this has absolutely confirmed my wife's worst fears, and she is absolutely furious. I do not want to "cut my sister/dad off", but my wife is ready to. If they really will not accept my children though, I really don't think I have a choice. Regardless, any advice about how to reconcile my wife with my dad and sister will be much appreciated.
Bottom line - this seems like something that I probably will need to find out after we adopt our kids, and see the reaction for ourselves. But that is very unsatisfying and it will be year(s) before I have a clearer picture. Any advice is much appreciated.