[19M] I've been doing nothing but drugs the past few months.
For context I have ADHD, GAD and Autism and I'm writing this on the worst molly comedown of my life.
Ever since getting a late diagnosis of autism and ADHD my life has been hell. I have constant anxiety attacks and feel as though I am an alien in social situations. The original feelings come from unrelated incidents however the knowledge that my life could've been a lot easier/supported a lot earlier just makes it so hard to function regularly.
I had dreams of being a doctor but with my finals coming soon, I have reached my breaking point. I study still but only to justify getting fucked up at the end of the night.
I used to take 2CB cocaine alcohol and weed mainly however since taking Molly for the first time it's been all I think about and all that motivates me to keep going. Only a handful of my friends know I do anything other than weed (I quit most drugs since starting Molly actually) and I know if the rest knew they would judge and shun me for it. The high I get from Molly is better than anything I've ever taken. It doesn't even feel like I'm high — just normal (I didn't use ai to write this I like to use em dashes to vary my language).
The feeling of normality is so addicting and it's the only thing keeping me going but the comedown I'm on right now and the knowledge that future comedowns will likely be worse is so depressing. I want to make a change but I know the way I feel now is how I used to feel just without my therapist or friends in my ear telling me to just keep smiling and to be happy.
The only difference between me now and the me before is I now get a few hours of regular brain function where all the anxiety and nonstop mental rambling disappears.
I know drugs aren't going to help me and will likely result in me ending my life but I honestly don't know where to go from here, it feels like I have found a pillow at rock bottom.