Mine had giant fears of commitment. Not just to a partner. But to every facet of life.
Fear of not being able to "experience" other people.
Fear of not spending enough time with friends.
Fear they are stuck in a dead-end career path.
Fear of not being able to make the right choice.
Sorry avoidants: but life is about making choices and living with them and being able to move forward, regardless.
I watched a video on FAs by Heidi Priebe (who is more on the non-judgemental side as she was FA and had to do a ton of healing)
I was struggling with why they have so many friends. Even long lasting, meaningful ones.
A really eye opening comment on the video went:
"One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more."
And there was a reply:
"Because their hear your reasoning, your pain, your fear. That's reasonable advice there. Do you tell them how madly in love you are, how emptiness is killing you without the loved one, the other side of the story that's not describable by facts?"
They always describe their fear activated side of the story. Being surrounded by people who only agree with the fear filter. Never actually probe their side of the story.
They dont have a good accountability team. Which is why they need a neutral thrid party like therapy to really probe what is going on.
Imagine being told you are wrong your whole life. Your writing is wrong. The way you eat is wrong. The way you feel is wrong. The way you talk is wrong. The way you look is wrong.
Then when you go out on your own without that gaslighting presence.
Someone tells you you're wrong.
You're going to defend like hell that you're the one thats right. You dont back down until they're the ones fawning for you to calm back. Your silent wall protects your "peace".
Or maybe you cut them off ruthlessly as punishment. Another way to protect your "peace".
Oooo. That felt goooooood. I'm right. I'm the leader. I'm just and righteous.
You love that feeling. You get addicted to it. The feeling of being the better one. The right one.
"I'm always right."