u/ButterflyStandard604

My Q has been sober for around 100 days and I am really proud of him because he has worked so hard this time and has really changed. This time he is not a dry drunk (we’ve been through this many times), it really seems like he gets it and is doing the work.

But the work means that after we both get home from a full day of our jobs I am left to do a very long and frustrating bedtime routine with two young kids because he is doing therapy, meetings, or the gym. He makes an early dinner for them but then he’s out. If my youngest goes to sleep easily (rare) then I might be able to eat dinner before it’s time for the older one to go to bed, and then I’m basically trapped until 9:00 pm. I had a rough day at work and don’t feel well and I just screamed at my toddler to get back in bed because I just want to have a quiet dinner before the older one needs more from me. I’ve never done that. Now I am crying in my room because I feel so awful about it while he is in the hallway.

I don’t want to be a barrier to Q doing what he has to do for a real recovery, ultimately that is the most important thing right now for our family. But I’m not handling this well. We don’t have family nearby or childcare. Just here for support and hoping to hear others share.

I am an employed trailing spouse trying to transition into teaching for a variety of reasons. I’ve done long-term maternity subs in the past and have worked in education-adjacent organizations or in schools for many years, just not as a teacher. I have a masters degree in journalism.

As I look for online teaching certification programs (or think about another masters if needed), I am thinking about if it’s more useful to set my sights toward middle school English and social studies (often humanities), or high school English. I believe I could do either and both enjoy and dislike different parts of teaching middle school students versus high school students (I’ve worked with both).

Is one more in demand than the other? Obviously, I would not have IB experience at the beginning which would make me a less desirable HS hire.

My Q and I have been together 15 years and have two young kids. In 2019, he realized he needed to be fully sober because he couldn’t moderate. Since then, there were 1–2 years of hidden relapses, then about 3 years of sobriety, and then another 1–2 years of hidden relapses.

He has never been abusive, and it has never interfered with his work. He also shares the chore load. But it has absolutely affected how present he is as a partner and parent. The last relapse ended in the ER, and he knew I was seriously considering leaving. He seems to, for the first time, want to get sober for himself, for his whole life, not just to appease me or because he feels guilty.

He’s now 3 months sober and seems more committed than ever: meetings, addiction therapist, more frequent psychiatrist visits, exercise, relapse prevention plan, and more transparency with me.

I know 3 months is not long, and I know I could be blindsided again. But for now, I’ve decided to stay and try to live more in the present instead of making decisions based on a future I can’t predict.

I don’t want just a sober roommate. I want to feel chosen, pursued, and cared for again. I know he can’t read my mind though and once I told him to “be more romantic” and that was too vague. I’d like to give him some clear guidance on how to “court” me, but I also don’t want to carry all the emotional labor or script everything.

I want to rebuild intimacy, but I’ve been avoiding it and he needs to do some work here for me to trust him with this. Learning about the hidden relapse made me feel a little violated, like I could not have fully consented to intimacy performed while he was high or drunk because I would not have done so if I had that information.

Has anyone navigated this? What helped rebuild romance and intimacy without ignoring the betrayal trauma?