Im scared to lose my best friend
I f22 and f25. I would like some advice on my friendship with my best friend. To give context we've been best friends for around 2 years but I've been starting to feel really left out since the duo became a trio (sort of but I feel pushed out since). About 6 months ago she joined our lil group but the both of them became very close.
I started to feel left out when they started training together and I wasn't invited (me and her used to all the time), but then it progressed after they told me they were going on holiday together, and they're doing a sports competition together and also wasn't invited to either and id have absolutely loved to do both of those things with them. I feel that the new friend perhaps isn't the biggest fan of me though I've always been kind and polite to her. i find it difficult to make more than surface level friendships but long for closeness with people but when I start to feel left out I instinctively pull away a bit in order to protect my feelings.
I often ask my best friend to do things but she's either busy with her or boys or not feeling it and when we do things it's much lower effort rather than all the extensive things she does with others. I just want to feel like she cares and wants to do fun things with me and include me and not push my aside for others when I'm meant to be her bestie :( I do think my idea of friendship is quite different. I love very hard and care so deeply and would do absolutely anything for her, I just wish I felt that was reciprocated.
This friendship means a great deal to me because I've always struggled with friendships due to being autistic and always wanted a best friend. I was bullied in school and left out of things all the time so maybe part of me is reminiscing over those times. But also I'm not so sure and want to know if the feelings I'm having are valid or just some sort of trauma response or fear of abandonment as I often over think things.
I have tried to bring it up a lil in a respectful way, acknowledging that I know I over think, that perhaps I'm a lil jealous but that I am feeling a bit left out but I find it hard to be 100% honest because I don't want to upset her or overstep and make her feel like she can't have other friends because of course she can. I know I also have things to work on but I feel like I'm going crazy😭 she seemed to understand but not much has changed.
To add additional info im probably going through one of the worst times in my life rn. Im going to lose a loved one who was like a father to me and and I've been really struggling with my mental health. I need her more than anything but she's not really been there at all. I know I can't expect her to be there for me when she has her own life too, I just wish she would check up on me every now and again or pop over briefly as she legit lives across the street 😭
Is this something I should bring up with her? I know I could 100% be over thinking this and I really don't want to come across as manipulative in anyway, my feelings are just a bit hurt and I don't really know how to navigate it. how could I talk to her about it without upsetting her? I love her to bits and want this friendship to work out but also protect my own feelings in the process.
Thank you kindly for taking the time to read