im going to seek help, will update
Hello. I'll start with briefly explaining my story, but I'll keep it in one paragraph so you can skip this part if you'd like.
I've picked at my skin for my entire life. It started with picking at scabs from cat scratches, and slowly started transitioning to my fingers around 9-14 yo. When I heard the term "dermatillomania", I nearly cried because all I could think was "that's me". Between 16-18, school life was insanely stressful, and I got in an emotionally abusive relationship. For these two years of my life, I picked at my fingers and face relentlessly. There were some horrible nights where I would stay up until 2 or 5 AM just in a "skin picking trance". I would mess up my face so bad that I'd be ashamed to leave my room, hiding from my family out of pure shame. Fast forward to a few months ago, and I finally got out of that relationship. I thought, at last, maybe this will all be over. Unfortunately, the picking hasn't left me, and in fact, it almost feels worse. I am a very happy person actually, and I love my life, so I can't understand what could be causing this anymore. I'm happy now, so why do I still do this?? I don't understand it. I've tried absolutely everything to stop: no mirrors, lights off, fidget toys, acupuncture rings, prayer, short nails, picky-pads, tracking emotional cues, fake nails, you name it. What's worse, when my skin ends up healing and I feel confident, there's like this thing in the back of my mind telling me "perfect, a blank slate, there's gonna be so much to pick now". It's like this horrible reward system. I'm a very hopeful person, but I've relapsed so many times that I don't think I can trust myself. I'm not an easy crier, but I can't hold the tears back when I discuss this. What's even worse is that I'm incredibly self aware when it comes to this, yet I STILL do it. I can't even tell if I do it consciously or not. I just do it, relentlessly. I feel so, so defeated.
I'm just so tired of the fight.
After years of struggle, I've started opening up to my mother about this, and I brought up possibly trying online BFRB therapy. I'm going to discuss it with my father tonight, I just hope I don't break down. I really don't know if this is going to fix any problems. I've lost so much hope, but I pray so hard that this works. I'll update if anything, but in the meantime I have questions for those of you who have tried BFRB Therapy:
- How much does it work?
- Were you able to stop entirely?
- Do you have to be medicated for it to work?
- Any other insights?
And of course, those who haven't tried therapy can pitch in too. I'm just so sad and I needed to get this out. I am so so open to any words. If you've really read this far, thank you so so much. < 3