[In Progress] [35.7K][Epic Fantasy] Working Title.
Hi! I’m currently working on a long-form progression fantasy / action series set in Puerto Rico with RPG-style mechanics, monster invasions, and a heavy focus on character dynamics, grounded reactions, and escalating power systems.
The story follows Manny, a low-income security guard whose ordinary life is shattered when mysterious Blue Screens appear worldwide and monsters begin invading Earth. As society collapses in real time, Manny discovers he can manipulate magic and is forced to fight his way back home to protect his family and friends.
The series mixes:
progression fantasy, survival/action, grounded character interactions, mystery/worldbuilding, and large-scale long-term escalation.
Tone-wise, it starts grounded and increasingly expands in scope over time.
I currently have around 10-ish fully refined/polished chapters to the best of my ability.
Feedback I'm looking for:
Hook strength, Pacing and flow, Dialogue quality/naturalness, Clarity of explanations and combat, Character likability/believability, Whether emotional moments land, Whether the progression elements feel engaging, General readability and retention.
I’m especially interested in hearing:
where readers got confused, where interest increased or dropped, and whether the opening creates enough momentum to continue reading.
I’m completely fine with criticism as long as it’s honest and constructive.
Content warnings:
violence, monster combat, mild gore, societal collapse themes.
Excerpt:
After two hours of enduring Antarctic temperatures, Manny decided it was time to make one of his rounds. Walking outside the building, he stopped to stretch his back, causing a very satisfying bone pop—and hunched down with a sigh, when everything changed.
Right there, just a foot or two from his face, was a floating Blue Screen. Manny was shocked at first, but when his mind finally registered that he could be hallucinating, he froze. Within that stunned silence his mind went into an extremely accelerated state.
He extended his hand toward the screen to see if what he was looking at was real. As soon as he made contact, a subtle ripple ran through it, and the words “Processing Status” appeared.
A couple attempts at interacting with this screen proved that he couldn’t “touch” that screen per se, but it didn’t feel fake or like a product of him losing his mind. The screen changed and showed Manny his “Status.” His eyes were rapidly shaking in disbelief, but even in that state, Manny wasn’t keen on losing control. In that moment he decided to analyze everything this screen was showing him.
The Stats section in particular caught his eyes. He noticed the word “Magic” and couldn't hold in the creeping smile on his lips—his sense of reality momentarily slipping.
“Is this for real?”