Why do I do this.
I genuinely want to know why I do this despite not enjoying it. This is the first time I will be revealing this information. My deepest secret.
Background: Before even knowing what sex was, around the age of 8, I would “get off” to animated cartoons being blown up like balloons or hypnotized. At the time I didn’t know what this was. I just knew that watching scenes like that would make me feel “fuzzy” and have the urge to urinate.
At 11 I accidentally read a book at my school library that looked interesting but was about animal breeding. It was nothing too graphic and when it mentioned insemination I thought that it meant that the animal was being given a vaccine. I started telling older relatives how animals were bred and I vividly remember one of them asking me if I was old enough to know that. Once I found out what it actually meant I was mortified.
That same year, one of my teachers showed our class mosaics of nude women and men. I remember vaguely being taught sex ed the year before so I don’t know why this hit me like it did but after that for literal months I could not see a person without imagining them naked. I was so bothered by this that I cried to my mother about it and how it would not stop.
At age 12 my favorite game was ruined for me. I played it after this event for a year or two but it was never quite the same. It was a wolf rpg where there were public and private chats. One time an older guy friended me on it and started a private chat. He asked me my age. I knew not to tell him the truth but was still not smart enough to know how much to lie. I said 13. He then started speaking weirdly about how he wished I was his younger sibling and could sit on his lap. I felt awkward and ashamed and unfriended him.
At age 13 I was introduced to hentai due to unregulated internet access. I have been addicted to it for years since. I don’t even like porn and have been called vanilla by many people when I tell them my preferences or that I have never even kissed anyone. But still I watch it. The most hardcore stuff too, nothing I would want to say out loud. I’ve cried to myself about how disgusting it makes me feel but I still do it. It’s almost like a different personality comes up at these times. Then I have the post nut clarity and sometimes my memory of the masturbation even becomes blurred. The rape aspect or characters looking young part has never been what I get off to but the graphic images are, if that makes sense. Still doesn’t make it better though.
I honestly think that I am asexual. If I were to ever date anyone I wouldn’t even desire to kiss them for months. I think the hardcore hentai is part of the reason. It’s driven me away from sexual feelings in reality. I could probably fuck someone eventually but I wouldn’t really want to. It would be more to pleasure them than myself. I think cuddling is the most I’d want.
So, my question is, why do I still watch hentai? I feel gross, but I watch it. Especially in times of high stress or depression. Do I just want to feel something? I think it brings me physical comfort, but what I really want is emotional comfort.
How can I dislike the idea of sex but then turn around and do “that?”
When I was younger I didn’t grow up seeing the image of parents who loved each other. My former step father was emotionally and a bit physically abusive. He would sometimes take me to his room, lock the door, turn off the lights, make me pull my pants down, and then whip me with a belt. Maybe I internalized male dominance because of this and that’s why I watch a lot of hentai where the other character is forced into sex by a guy? Did this somehow damage me? But I was never sexually abused or anything.
There was this one time in high school, at a basketball game, where someone seemed to be rubbing my behind on the bleachers. It was their knee or their foot, and there’s a chance that it was an accident, but they just kept pushing on me down there and it felt disgusting. I cried so hard and silently and wished that someone next to me would see and ask if I was alright. I never did find out if it was an accident or not because I was frozen and didn’t dare turn around while it occurred. Once the game was over I simply got out of there as quickly as possible.
Is addiction that strong? I really don’t know why I would do something that I hate, especially when it’s something like young priestess girls getting raped by monsters. Again, the young part and monster part isn’t what gets me off. It’s just the most forceful of hentai. I get off to the force.
Yet… All I desire in life is to hold someone’s hand. I’ve tried to stop myself from relapsing into this addiction but the next thing I know, another year has passed without any change. In my daily life, beyond these “episodes” as I will call them, I never have a single sexual thought and somehow seem to forget about porn. But then I’m alone with my thoughts and start to look things up…
I don’t have too many memories of my childhood but know for a fact that my parental figures never did anything sexual to me. Well, my mother used to and kinda still does grope me. Even though I am an adult now. I’ve had a genuine breakdown in front of her about how I hate her touching me and she says the usual “it’s nothing I’ve never seen before.” I can brush it off now, even if I still dislike it. It’s just a slap to the rear after all. I wouldn’t really call that sexual. In her mind it’s as innocent as a hug. I love her and she is a great mom beyond that.
My highest goal in life is to be a good and kind person. Does this make me bad?
Idk. I would very much like some advice or explanation for my situation. Thank you.