u/Caffeinated25

Hi guys im 25f im 5'1" tall and i weight 74kgs rn (yeh im really overweight)

I have pcod and i gained about 20+kgs within 1.5 years.

Im genuinely struggling with my weight loss journey.

On one hand i do know what needs to be done. On the other hand i feel like maybe i need extra help maybe something is missing thats why im struggling.

Ive been getting non stop ads for nutritionists and blabla

I cant afford them i dont have a job rn :/ im fully dependent on my parents dispite being a full grown adult and they control my life not in the best way.

They control my diet

They dont let me go to the gym

They dont even like that i workout

However they keep calling me fat and ugly every chance they get. And forbid me from eating bread while force feeding me rotis and rice.

I know this sounds insane im a grown adult but having no money means i cant really take a stand against them or do things i want because who will pay for those things? And i do live in a toxic kinda abusive household so i am very scared to fight and voice my opinions.

They want me to eat fully vegetarian indian meals that are high in carbs and fats they also want me to not do my regular workouts according to them gym isnt for girls and body weight workouts ruin a womans figure

They want me to loose 20kgs by doing yoga 🤡

Anyway there are few things that are in my contron that is i do workout in my room without them knowing. I also try to make my own breakfast with eggs but lunch and dinner is up to them.

Honestly idk maybe a lot of people will judge me and my situation but it is what it is. If you lived in the place and culture i do you'll understand.

I feel hopeless i want this weight gone ASAP im so tired of looking awful and being so heavy 😞

PS> my therapist thinks the environment i live in plays a huge role with my unhealthy eating habits. I do stress eat everytime i get yelled at or if anything happens that trigger me. Im trying to work on it ive stopped doing it for the most part but i still have my slipups. :/

**Am i a lost cause ?**

Hi so im kinda loosing my therapist and i will get a new one soon. The thing is im really trying to change and get better.

From changing my weight loss goals (earlier i wanted to loose weight asap no matter what and now ive decided i will do it slowly in a healthy way) ive also started being kind to myself when it comes to eating patterns and not working out. I also try to eat mindfully i dont restrict myself anymore and i eat things i want to eat within reason.

The problem is .... i just cant seem to change some things. Like the internalized fatphobia i have. I think being fat is thr worst thing i can be (and i am fat rn im beyond overweight so i cant seem to stop hating thr way i look and wanting to change it)

I keep buy clothed smaller in size hoping i will fit in them. Ive wasted so much money like this i dont even have any clothes to wear anymore because all my new clothed are in smaller size and all my old clothes as well are in smaller size when i used to be smaller.

I keep adding things to my wishlist on shopping apps hoping i will buy them once i loose weight:(

All this just makes me so sad.

But the truth is i hate my body the way it is rn. And i know even people who dont have ED can hate the way they look and want to change it. Im doing the same thing but idk where i draw the line...

I do wanna loose weight be healthy both physically and mentally. But idk how to do that. Its like i keep waiting to be happy and live my life once i loose weight ... i dont even leave my house anymore.

I asked my therapist today during our session (she is leaving and i will get a new therapist) if i can get a new therapist that specializes in ED recovery because i feel like ive healed a lot when it comes to depression and other issues but my ED is still very much bad rn. She told me in india ED or OCD arent seen as seperate speciality but instead come under trauma response like a umbrella term.

I feel like thats so unfair ?

How can we get the help we need if we dont have specialists in the field that we are struggling with.

I am a semi probono client rn so i dont even have the luxury to explore my options as i cant pay 🙃 but can someone tell me how can i get more specified help?