Starting school has been emotionally draining
I know this probably sounds really selfish, and I know we should never compare our children to other children, but I’m only human and it happens. I didn’t realise how emotionally draining I would find it when my child started school.
I watch other children run out of the school doors shouting ‘Mummy!’ and throwing themselves into their parent’s arms, while mine walks out slowly, headphones on, barely looking at me. At the park after school, I watch the children from her class gravitate towards each other and play together, while mine is at the other end of the park, lying down and watching the spinning pads go round and round. And then there are the constant meetings and phone calls and conversations with school. A chat, an adjustment, a ‘just to let you know’, an incident, a meltdown, all while other children seem to be settling in, making friends and enjoying school, I’m becoming increasingly aware of just how hard it is for mine.
And I hate that I feel this way, I know she’s doing things at her own pace and I love her exactly as she is, but I am sad about it when I catch myself comparing her like this. Not because she’s autistic or because she’s different, and not because I want her to be like everyone else, but I’m sad because I can see that things are harder for her. Starting school is the first time I’ve really seen her alongside a whole group of children her age, every day. And that comparison is difficult, even when you know you shouldn’t compare.
I’m a late diagnosed autistic woman myself, so I understand some of the ways the world can feel when you experience it differently. I know that being different isn’t something that needs fixing. But I also know that being different can make some things genuinely harder, and whilst she has the diagnosis, support, and two parents who understand her, advocate for her and will do everything we can to make things easier for her, it’s still always going to be just that little bit harder.
I know she has her own joys, her own interests, her own way of connecting with the world and the people and things she loves, but right now I’m just sad because I love her so much, and sometimes loving your child means feeling the weight of the things you wish you could make easier for them.