Conflicting Feelings
Hi, I (27F) recently posted about really struggling with anxiety around my newer partner (28M). I will say I’m not ready to end this relationship yet and have a lot I’m working through in my own healing. I just feel like I need to vent and can’t really put this anywhere else outside of therapy.
I still don’t know if my current partner is a PA, or if he truly gave up porn since we’ve gotten together like he says. I can’t seem to shake the red flags I’ve noticed, and I don’t know if it’s from me projecting from my last relationship with a PA or not. He’s completely open with his devices and there have been a couple more instances of his phone having the wifi off, and also an instance of Chrome usage for 7 minutes on it with no history. I did walk in on him using incognito once, but it wasn’t for anything porn related and he didn’t close out of it so he could show me to reassure me. I don‘t really have direct proof outside of those things and what I posted previously. I’m worried that I’m sabotaging things from previous trauma, and I just wish I could know FOR SURE that he’s being genuine and that I could not be so obsessed over the fear of being betrayed again. I also don’t want to be too naive, and it all feels so conflicting.
I know I have to focus on myself more to actually heal, and I’m seeing a CSAT to help in my own recovery. I’m just not ready to let go of this relationship yet despite all of this anxiety. If I were to end things, I‘m scared that I’d be ruining a good thing if he’s really one of the good ones. We’ve known each other since middle school, and he’s always seemed like such a good and down to earth guy. We share a lot of the same passions and goals for the future. It’s just these red flags that are holding me back from being able to trust fully. For now, I’m giving time to observe and work on my own healing so I can hopefully see things clearer. Thank you for reading and I’m sorry to all of those who know these awful feelings.