Advice on giving in to my toxic sister
basically my sister (F28) is no contact for 5 years with my parents (because they know what she’s like) she was diagnosed with conduct disorder when she was younger and since diagnosed with adhd. it seems like she has no empathy and care for others and only really cares for herself. She knows i give in to her every single time because she knows im easily manipulated and she can just bully me into doing things for her in the fear that she will just cut me off too. she has an 8 year old son that is awful. he keeps trying to break my relationship up by telling my partner things that aren’t true (bringing up exes and saying i’ve cheated on him when i’ve just not) it seems like he knows what he’s doing because he always follows it up with “im just a kid” . I know hes only 8 but i really feel like he’s extremely calculated and spiteful and most definitely self aware. I’ve been babysitting him for years, since i was around 12 every weekend for her while she went out partying. Obviously at the time i was still in school so babysitting on weekends didn’t matter to me especially when at her house i could do lots of things i would of never got away with at my parents house. I did this until i left school and now im 20 and dont babysit as much as i live quite far away now and i have my own life. the point is i’ve been giving in to her for years and sacrificing my time so she can live like she’s childfree. Recently she met a guy in the pub, her taste in men has always been awful (she’s attracted to men she definitely shouldn’t be getting involved with). This guy she met in the pub told her he was 39, she seemed to really like him and although i thought it was a little bit weird, she asked me to babysit while she went on a date with him, so i said yes. She had 5 days notice of me babysitting for this so called date. So on the thursday evening i arrived at her house while she was still getting ready, and to my surprise her house was a STATE. Not just like messy, there was bags of rubbish in the kitchen that had fell over there was rotting fruit on the floor, piles and piles of dirty washing that looks like it had been there for months, it smelt awful. I sat down next to her trying to ignore what was around me, she then proceeded to tell me that the guy she was going on a date with had texted her saying “should i bring a bag of cocaine?”. Obviously i told her to say no, as what normal person sniffs cocaine on a first date, but her being her she told him to bring it. This was my first red flag. She got ready for the night and said she would be home for 12 (which was seeming kind of late anyway as it was a school night for her son and i also had work the next day). she left, i made brownies with my nephew (which was a nightmare). My nephew then got up to his usual antics when my boyfriend called me(bringing up my ex). I then had a reallyyyyy long night with him as he was refusing to go to bed, calling me names, shouting out the window to the people in the avenue. Basically just completely ignoring everything i was trying to do. I don’t have kids of my own and for this exact reason, i know he’s my nephew but he’s so badly behaved especially for me when i babysit i genuinely don’t know what to do with him. it got to 1am and bear in mind she didn’t ask me to stay she asked me to come for a couple hours, i texted her saying are you coming back? she said no and that i had to stay all night. I expressed to her that i had no work uniform with me and i needed to go home so i could get it (my home is like a 25 min drive). she then texted me saying “well you never told me you had work”. I feel like i’ve just been mugged off because i told her i was free thursday night not friday morning? we went back and fourth on the texts till i just ignored her because like i said she’s unpredictable and i never stand up for myself to her because she always just shuts me down. i think she does this because she probably still sees me as that 13 year old kid who would drop everything to please her but im an adult now with my own priorities. she didn’t come home all night, infact she went to a hotel with this guy, came back in the morning to take her son to school, then went straight back to the hotel. no care for how i was going to get to work (i don’t drive) not even a thankyou for babysitting. i went in work and got an improvement notice for having the wrong uniform. fast forward a few days i’m still fuming about the situation but haven’t said anything, she rings me while im with my bestfriend and my boyfriend, she basically says (in an excited tone) that she’s found out this guy is a murderer. i told her i dont agree with it and its not right, i then googled him and there was pages and pages and pages of news reports about him, murder, drugs, he robbed a bank????? she finds it all attractive but the way i see it, she already has a troubled child, is this someone she should be getting involved with. i told her i dont agree with it and that was it. Then yesterday she called me, i could tell she was hinting at something, she said she wants to go out with him “one more time” (it wont be one more time) and wants me to babysit. I’m trying to say to her but you’re not going to come back home, and she’s giving me comebacks for everything im saying to her. i know im too soft but im really finding it hard to stand up for myself to her. i pretend like my phone died and she texted me saying “ok let me know what days ur working and ill see u when u babysit thanks”
i really dont want to babysit for her especially for her to go and see this guy who’s done 10+ year in prison and also has not long broken up with his own baby mum (who after doing some research i’ve found out that has mutual friends with me) this guy has also turned out to be 44 so he lied about his age to her. i’m stuck in this situation now where ive kinda agreed to babysit and now im gonna have to go back on it which is gonna make her more angry but what can i do? she shouldn’t be seeing this guy.
the reason im so worried about standing up to her is, she grew up in care and im the only one out of my parents and my other siblings that still talks to her. she goes on about how she’s got abandonment issues and so does her son and i dont want her to put me in the same category as my other family because i do make the effort with her im just having the piss taken out of me.