Was I groomed?
Problem: Hi! I just want other people's opinion on my past relationship and I don't really have other wlw friends to discuss this with. Looking back at my past relationship, I'm not sure if I was groomed.
Context: I was 19 when we met and she was 32. I know people are going to instantly raise their eyebrows when they hear about our age gap but I thought at that time that our circumstances made us different.
We met in 2022, it was pandemic so everything was online. We were in an online community for a specific game so ages really varied. We became close as a group first but eventually we got closer and started messaging privately. We chatted and called each other and I developed a crush on her. It was my first time to ever consider getting into a relationship so I knew I really liked her. I confessed to her and she told me that she liked me back. Matagal pa tho bago naging officially kami. I remember being pressured to make it official but I told her na I wasn't ready pa kasi it feels too fast, that I feel like we had issues pa that we need to fix before getting into a relationship (like I want us to be on the same wavelength moral and principle wise and also I was also really open that I was kind of hesitant because of our big age gap). We talked about it naman kind of?? Her approach was "wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba" and mine was "our circumstances justifies it— it makes us different".
We got into a relationship and it was all sunshine and butterflies. She looked young naman so people just assumed that we were around the same age. To be honest, our age gap still bothered me that time because every time may magtatanong I would just playfully brush it off kasi I don't want us to be judged. Other than that, people saw us as a perfect couple kasi they thought we really matched each other.
Our first problem was that she still lived with her parents in the province. She started working there when the pandemic hit kasi she decided to resign from her former job to stay with her family. The problem is that she did not have any control over her time kasi nga her employers are her parents and her source of income is dependent on them. The problem wasn’t really that she didn’t have time for me per se. It was more that, at 32, she still seemed to have very little control over her own life. I understood the work aspect since her parents were her employers, but it also felt like she still couldn’t make decisions for herself.
Another problem that I encountered with her was the way she communicated when we would argue. Considering our age gap, I expected na ako yung magiging immature. Pero every time we had a problem, ako yung kailangan magpaliwag sa kanya what went wrong at ako rin yung kailangan intindihin siya because of her traumas in her past relationships. Ang pinakamalaking problema ko pa with her is yung pagtry niya i-evade yung wrong na nagawa niya. She would just make palusot after palusot after palusot and when she couldn’t make any more excuses, that’s when she’d finally apologize tapos she will tell me "I said sorry na about that" when my emotions are already hurt and high. It really drove me crazyyyyyyyyyy.
She also did not appear to be bothered by our big age gap.. When asked about her age by my friends, sasabihin niya lang like it was normal tapos ako lang and my friends ang left uncomfortable. May history na rin siya with much younger girls. I remember may isa siyang ex na was underage (17) tapos nalaman niya lang na she was underage nung nagbirthday party yung ex niya tapos 18th birthday pala. Ang paliwanag niya sakin is she wasn't aware tapos nalaman niya nung sila na and 18 na yung girl.. Sometimes, naba-bother lang ako na she doesn't see anything wrong with our age gap like it doesn't bother her AT ALL. Paminsan, I would show her reddit posts about big age gap pero ang take away niya is not about the creepy age gap like she would just say sorry lang na she isn't financially independent pa like that's not really the issue hereeeeee. Tapos sometimes, I will bring it up tapos sasabihin niya lang "gusto mo na ba maghiwalay" instead of really discussing it with me. Of course I didn't want to break up at that time kasi I loved her. I guess I really just wanted to hear from her what makes us different from other big age gap couples that makes our relationship right.
Last na talaga kasi I don't think people would reach this part na because it's so haba na. In our three year relationship, mga kalahati dun, wala kaming sex life. There was an incident that made me so uncomfortable kaya never na ulit kaming nagsex. May isang beses na she was hinting to do it pero I wasn't really in the mood so I rejected her. She tried na pilitin ako pero I was firm na wala ako sa mood and ayaw ko. Instead of understanding me, nagtampo siya and kind of nagalit? Tapos she started masterbating beside me and it made me feel disgusting. Sinaway ko siya and told her how disrespectful that was. Tapos nagalit siya sa akin at sinabing I was controlling her na just because I didn't want to have sex doesn't mean na siya rin dapat. I explained na it was not about that, she can masterbate all she wants pero ang bastos lang na she would do it nang kita ko when I clearly told her na ayaw ko. I cried so hard nung time na yun because I felt so disrespected and disgusting tapos she kept on insisting pa na she did nothing wrong na it was normal to masterbate. Yes, I know it was normal pero it's not normal to do it in front of another person who clearly did not give her consent 😭
TL;DR: I was 19 when I got into a relationship with a 32-year-old woman I met online during the pandemic. We were together for three years, at the time, I believed our circumstances made our relationship different despite the age gap. Looking back, I’m questioning whether I was groomed.