Why Won't Getting a Girlfriend Fix My Life
I'm a male (if it won't be obvious from reading this garbage) high-school senior on the verge of graduation. I'll preface this and say I'm not clinically depressed. Not to long ago I had a whole week that could maybe have been depression. I couldn't do anything, couldn't eat, didn't enjoy anything, kept telling myself I'm worthless, etc. If I'm correct depression needs to last two weeks to be valid so in that regard I've never once been depressed. Despite that, my life has been miserable since middle school. I've only ever had one person I could consider a true friend who I'm no longer close to, I can barely stand half the people I call acquaintances, and academically, I'm nothing special and have zero direction in life. I do not want to keep living like this and think I might actually become depressed if I do.
Anytime a girl made a move on me I would just play dumb and spend all my spare time imagining how she might fix my life. Eventually, I'd make up a story of how they were really just shallow and a relationship with them wouldn't have gone anywhere to save myself the pain of spurning something that could've been good for me. This time around it's been especially bad. A very pretty girl kept staring at me since second semester and only recently stopped. I also realized that she had actually tried talking to me earlier in the year immediately after she broke up with her boyfriend or talking stage, not to sure how that went. Though previous daydreaming could be managed pretty easily and never came to consuming me, the fact that I'm probably at the lowest point of my life since 8th grade and because she's so pretty, have made my delusions spiral out of control and they've come to consume my every waking thought. I have my reasons for never trying to form a relationship but one of the if not the foremost was because of all the fiction I've consumed and advice I've seen on the internet. All told me the same thing and expounded upon me the belief I've come to internalize, the belief that having a girlfriend isn't the path to fulfillment. If you can't fix what's actually wrong with your life such as having no friends or being a failure, a girl won't magically change that. As my life's gotten worse and worse I've started to question more and more why a girl wouldn't fix it. If I got a girlfriend, I wouldn't need to justify forming a meaningful emotional connection and I wouldn't have a reason to spend all my time in my room. To me, having a girlfriend represents having an actual friend whom I wouldn't need to be ashamed of myself around.
I see how putting all my happiness on one person could be a problem but to me it's simply a matter of risk and reward. I could put myself out there and possibly make "friends" who I'll always be doubting the sincerity of and who I'll likely never be capable to do more than make small talk with. I won't risk getting hurt but I'll also probably never get the reward of true human connection. Or I could get a girlfriend who I already know is attracted to me and is seeking a real relationship with me. I'll be pretty much guaranteed a relationship that is fundamentally based on meaningful emotional connection, rather than social convention and passing time. I would form a real connection with someone with the caveat that I could risk losing all my happiness in one fell swoop. Instead of gaining more useless "acquaintances" who I would eventually come to hate, I'll just reset my life back to this point. I'll try fixing my life through conventional means in college but if worst comes to worst I'm betting everything on a girl.