Confused and freaked out
Hey all, I am a 24 yo male from the UK. A few weeks ago, a disturbing thought suddenly came to the front of my mind. I remembered that I had a relationship with an older woman when I was very young. I remember her hair, her face and what she used to wear. I am almost certain that I did not imagine this and can remember other memories of following her around my local park multiple times. After a while, I remember that I seemed to really like her, and considered her a friend who i cluld trust. I rememeber having multiple conversations with her at the park I went to when I was younger. I had the same thought a while back, the thought skipped my mind and didnt think anything of it. However I recently remember that the thought wasnt random, and that I thought of the exact same thing before. I remember she said that she was harmless and that I could trust her. I then remember regularily talking to her multiple times at different areas around the park, and that she always used to give me sweets and chocolates everytime I saw her. I am certain that during one of these convos, she went on to say that she had some sweets and chocolate that I would like back at her house. I cannot remember weather I agreed or refused. I keep experiencing visions of me being in her house with her. I also see a man who opened up a door behind me whilst I was in said house. I believe when I was there, that i had this feeling of impending doom that I was in danger. And i cannot put together wheather its all an illusion or if something genuinely happened. I keep having visions of being in danger and being touched innappropriately. I suffer with severe ocd, anxiety and things. When I was around 8 I used to perform sexual acts on my toys. I dont know if this was normal, but at the time I kept going to see if something happened. I remember a recent memory of talking to her about what I was doing and she talked to me about it. I even remember the first time I ejaculated, i keep thinking it was her who told me what to do. I always become fixated in messed up topics that i cant say on here because its not appropriate. Just one gender, and I have felt this way ever since I was a teen. I keep getting a feeling of impending doom, sadness, anger and confusion. My whole life seems like my mind has been messed up and that I would eventually need to talk to a therapist but i couldnt figure out why. I have had dreams of sexual experiences with animals and family members which disgust the fuck out of me. I have severe ocd around topics I cannot mention on here. I am always looking over my shoulder and think someone is watching me, and could be about to do something. I always have this feeling when Im out im.being judged and looked at. I feel deep down this is all connected I am kind of worried. Does anyone have any insight?