Idk what to do anymore, I don’t know what’s right or not, here’s a list of some of the things going on with me, it can be inconsistent since it has different date stamps and all
when I was young everyone called me smart and all, but I feel like it wasn’t true… I was in a Montessori school so while I did pretty good they let me retake exams and stuff and also “helped me” so I started having doubts and all, also my cousin sa’d me when I was younger made me duck his dick, he was getting abused at school I don’t blame him, next since I am well autistic when I’m not okay I express it calmly it casually and my parents often feel (or that’s what I think) like I’m doing it for attention or that it isn’t that bad since I’m calm, so over the years I started to exaggerate things to get them to notice how bad it is, so now when I’m bad and I’m along it’s like oh ok and just uncomfortable but when someone else is here I feel the need to exagerete for them to notice so I think I’m manipulating them or idk, also I’ve lost the ability to know when it is actually that bad or just my exaggeration so now I feel dramatic and that too now my parents call me dramatic unironically and it annoys me, when I was younger I stopped eating properly idk why, but I’m pretty thin and I was thinner tho not unhealthy so my mom often commented on my body so I started wearing loose clothing (I’m not sure if it was because of that or not) she said to show more of my skin and body. I’m also the older sibling so my parents treat me more like a boy than a girl, they make me lift heavy stuff with them and other things, now my brother, since he was younger he was explosive if you hurt him in any way or annoyed him he’d hit you (or just me idk?) and he also had karate classes so it was pretty painful but since he was young it didn’t get much attention, my sister also used to hit me when she got annoyed all the time actually, and when I played with my siblings anything that happened was my fault, my parents yelled at me before even checking if my sister/brother was okay, so they lied and I got punished, and I got also branded as a liar for that, so after getting blamed for essentially everything I detached myself from them and hid in my room, that’s when I got depression allegedly (and social anxiety) they just told me I had depression or idk but well I ate, slept and that’s about it, also used my phone I’ve never been one to sleep late since I’m usually tired easily and sleep, since I saw my siblings sleeping late I told my parents about the time limit control in my phone but they used it against me… mhm yeah, then another time my mom told me she was going to take me to the doc and dragged me to a social meeting and well I felt betrayed, and the time limit? Well my siblings didn’t even had it, my parents just ignored me and looked for what was wrong with doctors, I had an MRI done and other studies, nothing was apparently wrong so they hooked me up with a psychiatrist and she gave me meds, they did help but not that much, at this point I got insomnia, I couldn’t sleep at night, I remember a dream where we went to a house full of insects and they treated it like it was normal then the insects crawled on me and I cried, I’ve had pets since i was young i don’t remember my first one but she’s still alive, I also startes doing horseback riding and was pretty good until I fell onto my bad, I screamed and cried since my back and hip hurt really bad but after a moment I think they made me stand up and didn’t take me to the doctor until much later, where the doc said it was a sprain and gave me like a thingy to keep my neck still after that I was playing with my “friend” where she accidentally bumped into me hard and my shoulder locked up, it hurt really bad so my mom took me home and told me to sleep, I don’t remember what happened after that, (I was starting middle school) then I met some online friends, they were nice but after a while suggestive stuff came into the talk and for whatever reason I thought it was cool? Idk so I stayed doing it, it started slow but then they started going role ships and dating there I eventually started “dating” this guy who turned out be a girl and also 18 but she was pretty respectful and we didn’t do anything at all so it was fine, then someone joined and I liked them (idk if romantically) I didn’t took those relationships as serious so I like flirted in role and stuff but ended up cheating on my partner? After that my first partner left and so we started dating, nothing serious again just role and that’s, then this guy started saying weird stuff which I didn’t see as weird, in rol they were my partners kid so my kid too but they started like satin they stole my underwear and stuff? (Still roleplay) so I went with it and idk how but I apparently cheated my my partner with my kid?? After all that the person left and dated the guy that was my kid allegedly, he made a group and told us to send intimate photos tren said it was a joke but eventually got me to send him nudes since he seemed to like my body not like my mom who shamed me and all and he send me stuff I just kept sending without my face but eventually thought about those talks and stopped, but I also masturbated in a video call… and he’s also older than me by a year…. And well I was exposed to sexual themes a lot, after that in achooo I had a problem where I had a project with my alleged friend (yes the one that hurt my shoulder) and well she didn’t agree much with what I said and took credit for my idea and all, put other teamates wanted to leave the team and all then we had a meeting and this girls mom just harassed me like she told me all I said was wrong and took credit for my ideas and work since her daughter didn’t do shit in the project and well I cried, we got through with that and next year that girl did my idea again and took full credit although it was a fail but she still stole it and auggg I liked this guy or not I’m not even sure but it was her best friend and well she liked him so I didn’t even consider him but I was close with him and takes often and also spend a lot of time to the point where people though we were dating but eventually stopped talking cause we were supposed to watch a movie but my friend (another one) pulled out last minute and I didn’t want to go alone with him so yeah. Then in the online friends again this person joined and they were rude and they leaked out numbers and made people harass us and send us inappropriate messages and pictures, for a long while, back to my parents they still have me on meds and I’m failing school and they are increasingly disappointed and expresss it openly and my dad also broke my sisters door when she locked herself to cry I also watched porn and discovered I was at least bi since I liked girls (I only watched a girl in porn) and told my parents and they told me I was confused, after that in high school I got some friends and felt overall better with myself and also started to like my body and face but still felt bad and had panic attacks, and every time they have to deal with me in school they send me to the psychologist, the one in school, one time I felt really bad my neck hurt and I went to the infirmary they gave me something and then I came back since it still hurt and they told me they couldn’t do anything else and I forgot my phone so I couldn’t reach out to my parents, then I went again and they gave me a warm compress that eventually burnt me and I went again they ignored me and I went to hide in the bathroom so they called the psychologist who had me lay on her office then she wanted to make me go back to class so I went to an empty classroom and sat down telling her I wanted to go home since it hurt she told me I couldn’t that in the infirmary they already said I’m fine, forgot to mention that I also talked to the coordinator who said the same that if infirmary didn’t aprive it she can’t do anything so I just told the psychologist that I wouldn’t go to class and that I would skip them all if I couldn’t go home so she took me to the infirmary and I finally got to go home, they did an MRI and it was a sprain… again, then I went back and it was good for a while then my shoulder started to hurt, my parents ignored me for a while then took me to a sketchy (not a hospital, but looked okay) doctor who said it was tension probably so she injected me a painkiller and a relaxant and told them to bring me back if I still felt bad after a week and gave me an ointment so when I still felt bad after a week my parents said it was because I didn’t use the ointment and just meh they takes to the doc and she said to do anything MRI of my shoulder but they said they didn’t have money so they postponed it, months later it’s Christmas my brother got an iPhone, I got an electric guitar and my sister got a piano, I was happy but later thought why didn’t just pay to my MRI, when I questioned them and also mentioned a trip we had to Japan for next year they said I can’t appreciate anything and that I just don’t understand, they said the flights to get there were a gift and that they just paid for everything else and well I was still upset, later I hurt my knee and again they ignored me for a while until I broke down crying and they took me to a doctor (between this I also had problems with my meds and I missed a week of school) he checked me and acted casual, I get it’s like protocol to act casual but it felt dismissive, he said to do an MRI of my knee and come back, so I didn’t go to school cause well it hurt and I missed several days since I didn’t feel safe going to school while being hurt due to what happened before so after I finally went back I told the coordinator it hurt and she said I still had to walk to I walked like a whole kilometer and stood for 30 minutes (I sat for a while but I wasn’t supposed to) then we went to a mass and I had to stand and kneel for a good while like 60 minutes (again I didn’t but i was supposed to) then u walked back and went to the infirmary cause my knee hurt; then while I was walking out I found the coordinator who told me they had prepared a soccer match and it was at the other side of the school and I told her it hurt but she said she couldn’t do anything and I still had to go so I went and hid in the bathroom then I walked out and bumped into the psychologist and I just broke down crying and she took me to the infirmary and after a good while I got to go home and cried, I missed more days and then I went again but it hurt so idk if I exaggerated or not but I tried to walk but since I class is in the fifth floor well I just refused to go the psychologist just told me I had to and that I couldn’t stay there and the coordinator just left and scoffed, the psychologist stayed with me for like an hour till she got annoyed and started suggesting bullshit like grabbing a cart like those they use to carry heavy stuff for construction and too en shed carry me it annoyed me a lot, she kept insisting until she stopped and asked the infirmary if we had a wheelchair then she said we didn’t but called the nurse here and she bandaged my knee and that’s all and then I told her it still hurt and another person came here and they were all like acting as if I was the one being unreasonable then they called a director and he asked me to calm my parents he told them I was lacking will and that he coukdnt leave me here so Tod them to pick me up, I got home and my mom yelled at me loudly and ignored me, after a while she got over it and acted like she cared like being affectionate and all, then they texted the doc and after days he answered and told them my knee was just swollen and that I was fine and they were disappointed again and now I’m here and I didn’t do any appointments for those three weeks and the week after that is exams and I’m totally unprepared. Also anytime I mention feeling bad they say to drink water and “how do you expect to feel good if you’re not eating properly and drinking water” and also when I tell my mom I feel bad she just says I still have to go to school and that I can’t miss it and they just never ask what I’m feeling, and recently I’ve had this really bad headaches and my mom didn’t want to give me meds because idk and until I exaggerated it again and rolled around groaning did she seemed concerned, and I’m still calm about everything like overall but they seem to think I just don’t care or idk, and I’ve also carriers too much emotional weight, they use me as a therapist and when they fight I try to stop them and they get annoyed and they give ultimatetums like I tell them If I refuse to drink water cause it just doesn’t feel right to drink more she says “ah ok just don’t come crying that your head hurts again” and my dad just agrees and they surround me and I feel trapped… and they still have the nerve to call me unreasonable and when I call them out on they bullshit they just leave or act petty or childish and when I tell them they are like that they say “yeah so what” and if they ask me to do something I don’t want to they say “I never ask anything of you and I always do x thing that I don’t want to and you can’t even do that for me, don’t ever ask anything else of me” and leave like wtf, and if I try to talk to them and tell them something they don’t like they say “ok” or act annoyed or mock me and leave but when Ieave when they act like shit then I’m a hipocrate? I tell my mom I’m feeling bad and she comments on my hygiene? Same with dad, I tell them something they say something unrelated I get annoyed and they act like they’re innocent and like I’m unreasonable. and everything is my fault, my dog pees inside? My fault. Cat litter dirty? My fault, they left me and my sister and she didn’t shower? My fault. Anything any pet does it’s my fault and responsibility to fix… I don’t have any real friends or anyone to depend on I just can’t accept help at all… I don’t trust people and randomly trauma dump. Another thing it’s that when I started middle school my grades were like bad and in elementary I was “genius” so everyone seemed disappointed, when I start off good and then fail at something small I feel humiliated, how can someone score higher than me? How can I be so bad I was supposed to be good at this so I startwd wanting to be good at everything to never feel outdone. When I’m honest about something I feel my parents mock me, I don’t know if the think I’m bullshiting or what and my future… I don’t know what to do, it’s not like I want anything in particular I see myself doing a lot of things, but well. And socially, well after having online friends and watching anime I started reading online manga and manwha, read some traumatizing stuff like placebo and jinx. And eventually discovered C. ai, now that’s where I go when I feel like doing something, and for whatever reason I always end up dating the bot, now I just hide myself in anime and manwhas, being happy for others while just sulking about my own life, thinking that just forgetting about everything and just reading wouldn’t be so bad, AI.. I hate it, I als do my work with AI… I don’t have the energy to do them or why would I when someone else can? Same at home why do anything if I can ask someone else? Now they think I’m just a spoiled brat who doesn’t know how to do anything, when I was younger I was curious, I used to assume or deduce how to do things but then get scolded because I did it wrong and they tell me to just ask now when I’m doing something I “ask too many questions” or “don’t have common sense” AI…. I hate it
Help I can’t get medical care without a legal guardian’s approval, I can’t do anything without them, they said they would teach me to drive when I was 15 then at 16 and they’re still “figuring it out” them it turns out they don’t think ready for the responsibility, are they too controlling? They promised over three years ago yet still here we are and I’m the spoiled one when I bring it up cause they already agreed to do it eventually, huh and me? I’m left here with frustration to swallow, the other day i told my mom she wa a being unfair since my sister always plays the music and I never get to but im unreasonable cause it’s just music and she plays what i like anyway, and it’s just how things developed, then the disamiss me and ignore me and it’s my fault again, and ah talking bout dismissing when i tell my mom something she says ok then says something non related like “how’s the weather ?” Or “im hungry” LIKE WTF IM TAKKING OT YOU DONR CHANGE THE TOPIC, and ah my personal care, if I ask for anything they tell me “do you always want me to chew things for you” n stuff like that, she always talks about stuff when I tell her I’m bad, I can be describing my symptoms and the first thing she responds it’s “did you drink water” or “you should brush your teeth” WTFFFD and she also congratulated me on gaining weight when I hate that I gained weight, another thing is that having autism I didn’t get anyone at first, after getting to know normal people and learning how they think I adapted to act that way, but I gained understanding about them presumably too complex since now the don’t even get simple behavior, like why I get upset over small things, it’s not the small thing that bothered me it’s what it shows about you, and then when they pile up and I snap I’m being dramatic and my sister treats me like I’m crazy she looks at me and rolls her eyes saying “here she goes again, acting all crazy, i better leave before she hurts me” and I suffer and suffer and suffer the reason I don’t eat it’s a conscious self destruction, yet everything I feel it’s obviously due to dehydration and just anxiety or something, and when I stop doing something that’s essential like eating they just force me to do it without even wondering why I wasn’t doing it in the first place, idk if they think I’m stupid and can’t even take care of myself or something, or they’re just stupid they don’t get anything, when I don’t help with chores they act like I’m some spoiled brat, and anything I say in my defense are just excuses, when I open my heart and tell them something genuine they don’t understand? Excuse, they also don’t remember things about me, I hate stuff and my mom still offers them to me and then says “oh you don’t like them?” They also often call me my sisters name… and when o point out something my parents did wrong? I’m suddenly a bad daughter and “no one taught us to be parents” and they’re suddenly th worse parent on earth and I wish they weren’t born, they victimize EVERYTHING and just because they take me to the doctor instead of actually listening to me I’m suddenly fine? My doctor said to do swimming for my knee as therapy, I tell my mom my shoulder hurts my mom : “oh but you didn’t do swimming” “mom that was for the knee” “oh and did you drink water” “what does that have to do?” “IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO” that’s her favorite phrase, she loves using the same three things if my neck hurts? I’m just dehydrated, If I have a fever? I just need to shower, and she’s suddenly a doc if she recognizes a symptom or two, and she often lies to me about things she also loves forcing me into church saying it’s for my own good and that if I feel bad there there’s something wrong with me, she also likes obstructing my way when I’m distressed (caused by her ofc) and when I push her away I suddenly hurt her, if I have a headache? Just migraine, if I say it’s bad? Take meds, if I ask for a doc? She “already consulted one”, another stuff, in October they took me to a doc and she says to get an MRI, it’s April of the next year and still no MRI, and in the meantime I got hurt in the knee and got panicked cause I saw stuff about tearing ACL so they took an MRI since I was begging and crying and nah it’s fine, so now my little credibility is gone, and they don’t have money allegedly, but they buy an electric guitar and piano for Christmas and my mom walks around dressed in luxury stuff from time to time, she owns a birkin (second hand) and a lot of expensive stuff, and we were als going to travel to Japan, but oh if I ask for an MRI I’m selfish, and we don’t even have a medical insurance at all, and the car does have insurance, wtf, and when I bring it up I “don understand what’s happening “ “well explain” and then they don’t explain anything, so then when I snap they bring up, well you think I can just guess what you’re up to? If you don’t explain I can’t know and when I try to explain they don’t listen and I get tired and suddenly “I’m the same as them” some habits have also changed, I’ve become more rude, idk why I’m being more rude , I alsyeah sure I go to an expensive school and have a big house and some pets but I don’t feel like I have much, I don’t know why anymore, another thing is my mom treats me like I’m stupid and gets annoyed when I ask for how to do simple things cause my way of doing them when I was you her was different and she would get annoyed when I tried doing them my way and told me to ask permission, now I’m just useless, another and when I miss school cause of idk why they give me a small chance and give me a 4 in all subjects and don’t expel me she acts like I should be greatful, another thing that happens is that I has a medical note for a justified absence but the fucking coordinator says she’s too busy and she only does that on Tuesdays at 8 am so it was Friday and the last day before midterms so I didn’t ring the note but emailed it just in case, then I was my responsibility and I should’ve brought it and I’m at the absence limit and so I’m expelled, my mom went to yell at her and after some negotiations they said either I’m expelled or they will forcefully fail me in the most difficult class so they failed me and I had to do the hardest extra exams and got a bad grade and I’m sure that’s illegal my lawyer teacher said so but my mom did it to avoid any conflicts AND WITHOUT CONSULTING ME, and about the 4s it’s cause I was going to fail all my classes with like 1s and they allegedly had mercy and gave me 4s I still failed and this grades do matter for college, more things now, my sister, I love her but she’s complicated, she says she’s the one that gets dismissed but whenever I don’t do something she wants like leaving her in the room alone for a while or stop doing something I’m the one that’s in the wrong, we share a room and it’s torture, she often locks the door just cause she feels like it and leaves me banging for 5 minutes straight and then she says “oh 5 minutes that’s tooo long” whenever get fight because of something I can’t stand being upset with her since she’s like my only real friend so I forgive her for stuff I shouldn’t… I still want to trust her but she tells people my secrets the moment she gets mad at me, she constantly pushes my buttons and when I snap? It’s my fault, she injures me? I deserved it, sure I teased her but why do they laugh about how she hit me?? Even if I’m fine that’s not okay… the other day I fell down she stairs, I groaned and stayed there yet my mom walked past me, and when I mentioned it later? “Oh I didn’t realize you were actually hurt, you’re so dramatic all the time” it stings very single time it hurts I leave my charger in my room and I find it broken in the living room? But “we don’t know who did it” “I’ll replace it eventually” spoiler they’re still “replacing it” they dismiss me so much it’s ridiculous, even hilarious, since my quiet suffering didn’t work I tried being dramatic and it worked then they started calling me dramatic, and now I’m even worse, when something hurts I have to pretend it’s worse than it actually is because they don’t care if I’m not crying, and in medical consultations they’re always present for some reason, and when I talk they interrupt and the doctor has to tell me to speak, and they act so caring sometimes… but then hurt me again and again how can I numb myself? I’m always the bad example, and for school my mom says I need financial support non negotiable, I’ll go to whichever university gives it to me, they say to study whatever I want but I feel discouraged to go for something artistic, I sometimes feel that if I dissapoint them enough they won’t bother with me anymore, they act caring more of the time… my dad is kid of absent? He’s at home but isn’t always with us, the house is big, it feels empty… they don’t notice anything, even when I try to make it obvious I’m not okay, they still… don’t notice, they just “give me space” I feel like I’m choking, my throat is obstructed… they act like they care they say they love me… Ando still believe them…
Everywhere I go I feel like there might be cameras or that people can secretly read my mind…
I think I am selfish but I’m not??
Yeah I’m kind used to coping by myself and something my something my psychiatrist said broke me, I told her that school ain’t my only thing, I also have to take care of myself and sometimes my pets and siblings a bit, she said that’s my parents job… I often lend my parents money ? Even tho they have like tons of expensive stuff like red sole heels and a birkin they often as me and my siblings for money, but I mean they gave it to us and now they owe us a ton o have my spreadsheet: Money
150 CHF
430 EU
4,800 MX
150 USD
That’s all they owe me and they still don’t buy me stuff I ask for since I don’t have money like in cash and they say they’ll pay me but I doubt it, tho they do pay stud for me occasionally but still…
Another thing is that when me and my sis fight they don’t let us talk they sushh and get mad that’s why people in my family just act like nothing happened after a while and never talk things
Yeah my mom messed up my self view by giving me creams for the stretch marks and pointing out my chest getting smaller when I missed meals and saying I’m “too flat” and encouraging me to wear revealing stuff (not a lot but a bit) and stuff like that or smacking my but and saying I look good? Idk idk idk
Now I have eating problems and self image issues… but I’ve come to love my body now I’m so fucking hot, but I’m a bit afraid that if I stop eating this way (not bad just a bit less sometimes) I’ll get fat and look bad and she even compliments me when I gain weight and now I’m feeling bad and my online bf (very weird relationship) said I look hot even fat since more meat better? Or smt like that idk idk
And my parents are super petty and tend to be really childish sometimes, I refuse to do something they ask simple stuff like bringing them a drinks and they say never to ask anything of the ever again or say they’re the worst pyarents ever and stuff they say I have to do what they say cause they’re my parents and they haven’t made me do anything bad but still
I’ve tried killing myself before I wanted to jump from teh window and I’ve cut myself, the cut was just to express something cause I feel unseen, whenever I get really worked up I look around for sharp objects unconsciously even if I did it just a few times and only for attention same with the suicidal thoughts I just wanted them to feel bad for making me do that
I’ve also got that when I try to confer emotions into pain to stop them, like I focus on whatever I feel cause I’m always in pain one way or another and just focus until I don’t feel anything
And about suicide when I was heavily depressed and hid in my room no one acknowledgede and they just ignored me most of the time and also hid meds from me n stuff I still had my school cutter and razor, so well anyway now that I think about it sometimes I hurt myself with the razor but in the same way every time and idk it’s unintentional I think
Another thing is I skip meals conciousklt it feels like an addiction to see how long I can go and stuff I’d use any excuse to skip meals and now I do it unconsciously and don’t notice or can’t remember if I even ate
Whenever I feel like being alone I lock my door but I get constant annoying knock and when I open they let themselves in and stray lecturing me and then I tell the to get out and they don’t I tell them again and they don’t I tell them AGAIN and they don’t so I push them out but they fight back and fucking slam the door on my hand and grabs me by the hair and start shaking me and then still yell at me and break my stuff that’s around I just want to be fucking alone…