My partner (27M) always dismisses my communication in a manipulative manner (19F) because it’s a long post the more important part starts at paragraph 5 but I included background information
I 19F is dating 27M for 1 year. (Yes I know the age gap is controversial but I’m not here for that).
We are very much in love, dedicated to each other, and want to make things work. He is very sweet, would do anything I need, very gentle, kind, and patient. However as time goes on I’m learning he is a man child, his mom is basically in love with him in a incest manner, doesn’t hold him accountable for anything, and his friends doesn’t either.
Most of this relationship has been me TEACHING him what a normal serious relationship is like. When we first started dating he mentioned that he was a secret with his past partners family because they were religious (Muslim and another one I can’t remember) and he was not those things.
His mom would constantly ask him if I’m religious to avoid that problem even when I said I wasn’t. To make him feel welcomed I invited him to my family’s thanksgiving dinner, and he’s basically met half of my family so far. His family (mom, dad, and sister) lives in a different state so I can’t meet them or see them often and for a while I also knew non of his friends. Eventually I met them and it was fun. After that, going on to a year I still barely knew his family except his mom being uncomfortably obsessive over him.
His parents came to visit him this past April, he thought it was a good time to meet, and we did (it didn’t go well at all) long story short I expressed to him how I felt and this is when I realized that he never considers my feelings or the principle of situations. He said I was being harsh, he didn’t get how I experienced what I experienced because everything seemed fine (there’s more to the story but I feel like I’m yapping) there’s been many more situations where his actions with make me feel a particular way (that’s reasonable) I can add more if anyone wants specific situations. But when I communicate it’s like he takes it as an attack, he gets upset, and now I have to comfort him, leaving my feelings behind.
When I expressed this to him he says “I can never do anything right” or “I guess I’m just the terrible person” or with his parents situation he said “you make them seem like they’re monsters” WHEN ALL I DO IS SAY HOW I FEEL IN A NORMAL MANNER it gets to the point that I have to baby talk to him when I’m expressing myself just so he does not say those things to me. When he communicates I always focus on the issue at hand, not bring up my feelings, or say “you always paint me out to be this terrible person”. He also says he can only be empathetic if he can understand my perspective but isn’t empathy the complete opposite of that statement? Even when I can’t understand how he feels I still understand his perspective even if I think it’s silly.
Am I being manipulated? How can I convey to him that I’m simply expressing the principle of the situation and these actions do not make me feel good. We’re currently going through this situation at this very moment and I feel nothing but rage so I need time to collect my thoughts because I’m stuck.