bisexual but married to a woman
throw away account since my wife has my other account.
TLDR: I'm a bisexual woman married to a lesbian woman and i miss having intimacy with males. i feel like the "domineering" or "masculine" one of our relationship.
i think i mainly just want to come here to express some thoughts and see if other people ever feel this way.
i am bisexual and i have been with my partner over 5 years now and we just got married almost a year ago. i absolutely love her, and believe she is the most beautiful woman in the world. she's my favorite person and my best friend. she knows that i am bisexual, because i have had relationships with men before her, but i often just call myself a lesbian when people ask because i don't want to be that married person that says "well, i'm bisexual, but i'm married to a woman."
i know, not very accurate, but it's often hard to explain to outsiders. i also often tell online guy friends that i am a lesbian just so there are no blurred lines and no opportunity for more than a friendship. my wife is a "gold star" lesbian; i am the only person she has ever been with romantically and sexually besides a few online relationships.
i've been open with her and asked her if she would ever want to open the relationship because she's never had sex with another partner and that i would be okay with that, but she shut it down and was very disinterested because she basically hates people, lmao.
me on the other hand, after 5 years (and some "lesbian bed death"), and carrying all of the "masculine" energy of our relationship, i miss just being "feminine" and feeling like i am "being taken care of," if that makes sense. i know that many may not understand this. yes, we are both women, and i know assigning gender roles to non conforming people is confusing, but i just often feel like i am the more domineering person and i'm the one that initiates sex and plans/dinners/etc. i also am the one initiating just romantic intimacy as well, i.e. massages, kisses, compliments, etc. we have talked about this though multiple times and not much has changed. i've even let my hands off the reigns because i thought "maybe i'm just a control freak," only to realize no intimacy will happen at all if i do not initiate it.
lately, i have been struggling with missing the intimacy from a male/masculine person. mainly, the way the intimacy from a male makes me feel, i guess.
does anyone else struggle with this? i know it may sound like i am just a traditionalist, but i never really wanted to live with a man or marry one. i guess it could be a "grass is greener on the other side?" i'm also unsure how to talk to her about this without her absolutely hating me and maybe even threatening divorce. we've talked about parts of our relationship, but never the "i'm longing to have s3x with a man" thing.
btw, i'm not obsessed with sex or anything. i mostly just want to feel loved. i have started to ruminate on my appearance because of it, and it's just a sensitive spot. mainly just looking for support and understanding. people who can relate to feeling like they carry the "dominant" energy. it's quite exhausting.
thank you if you read this entire thread and mods, if not allowed please delete. thank you.