r/mixedorientation

I’ve (26M) been in a committed relationship with my wife (25F) for 8 years, and married for 2 of those years.

I’ve had fantasies of same-sex encounters since I was a teenager, but suppressed them for most of my life and presented as a cis-het man for all of our relationship. We married young, and I had no previous sexual partners before we got together, so at times I’ve felt really sexually inexperienced in our relationship. She’s asexual and doesn’t have interest in sex often, even though there have been times when her libido was higher and she would initiate often.

I told her about my fantasies, gay porn that I would watch, and that I used dildos several years ago but never thought it would become real until a few months ago and she always thought of me as 100% straight. While on a stressful work trip, I went through a mental health breakdown which ended in a sexual encounter with another man, that occurred without my consent.

Afterwards, I knew I had to tell my wife, but waited a month to process what happened while I found a therapist because I was afraid and didn’t know if it was sexual assault. We talked extensively about what happened, and I’m having to undo a lot of shame around putting myself in such a compromising position, while she is still grappling with what happened and what it means for us. When I first told her, she told me that we would get divorced if define as bisexual which caused a lot of hesitation/fear for me, and since has been back and forth between being supportive, angry, or thinking I’m just ‘confused’.

She also sees the situation as me cheating with intention, but I see it as both infidelity and sexual assault and wish she had more compassion for me than to throw it at me in arguments, but recognize that she’s hurting too.

To make things worse, a few years ago she asked for an open relationship and I said no because I was afraid of it would cause us to break up and she wanted the freedom to explore but I wanted monogamy. I still want monogamy and a healthy, secure relationship with her, yet am torn bc of the shock at what happened and later conversations about her wanting revenge or to cheat back with someone she really likes even though the experience I had was really negative and unwanted.

I’m beginning to accept myself as bi, but have struggled with processing what happened, the thoughts that my wife has of me, and the changing view that I have of my sexuality. I recently came out to one close friend who is an older mentor of mine who I knew had a similar experience to get support as a safe space, and my wife took it really personal and was super embarrassed for someone to know anything about what happened. I wouldn’t tell anyone else outside of that person, and struggle with the idea of anyone even remotely knowing what happened outside of my wife, mentor, and therapist.

I’ve been in therapy for the past few weeks, and am starting EMDR to process what happened soon but am really scared of what it may open up for me. I don’t want things between me and my wife to change but they already have and I’m just really afraid I completely ruined our marriage.

I’m hoping that this group could offer support as even months after the encounter, I still feel in shock, and feel lost without a community or other people in my life I feel are safe to talk to because of the element of potential sexual assault, and the stigma of expressing my sexuality as a bisexual man openly while being married to my wife, who I still love.

I’m looking for advice in repairing with her, tips on how I can be more of a loving and understanding partner in a mixed orientation marriage, and ways that I can better understand myself and move on from what happened without shaming myself for my sexual identity.

Hello everyone, I hope that posting this here is not offensive or harmful, as that is not at all my intent. I just figured that if any subreddit would have true insight into my question, it would be yall.

I am a 20F lesbian who really wants a partnership and family in my future. I am also seriously considering becoming catholic, which would prevent me from being with women. I do not mean to imply that anyone is sinful, just that that may be my framework that I will have to live within. I am honestly completely ok with the fact that I am a lesbian and have had female interactions, but I want my life to feel purposeful and have direction, and Catholicism seems to be the truth to me personally, though I totally understand if you disagree. Catholics I have talked to have almost all told me that celibacy and singleness are the most I can expect, and to find parenthood in other ways, but I don't want to live like that.

The idea of having a family with a gay man or even a straight man ok with the situation, sounds ideal to me. Obviously, I would be completely honest about who I am and what I can and cannot feel. The thought of having a male partner, although not in a traditional sense, does not repulse me, and in many ways appeals to me. I have met many religious men, particularly gay or asexual men, who have shared similar sentiments, so I feel there could be an opportunity for this to happen.

With that context out of the way, I am asking yall if you think two people could enter into. a mixed orientation marriage, aware of the discrepancy, and still have a fulfilling life together. Any insights are appreciated, again sorry if this does not belong here.

Hi all, so nice to find this community, read all the threads in here and not feel so lonely on this journey. I just had my partner coming out to me a week ago but everything is still unsure for him. He is sure he is non-binary but he has no idea if he is gay or bi and everything is still unsure for him. He struggled to tell me this for months because he thought I’d hate him and not want to see him ever again. I love him and all I want is for him to be happy and of course I really want us to continue together as the best companions of each other that we are. But I’m aware this is not only up to our love. After many deep conversations we decided to look out for possibilities. We have no idea of what that would be for us but we are both willing to explore and to support /understand each other. I was wondering if anybody here would know of any good therapist or counsellor they would recommend? We are happy to do it online. We want to find the right person to support us through this journey and also someone who will support and respect the individuality of each one of us. Thanks!

I (38F) have been with my husband (45M) for 15 years. Most of that he has known I am bisexual, but only recently (last two or so years) have we really talked about/realized what that means. Honestly I have always been way more attracted to women (I'm probably 85% lesbian), but I pushed that down and leaned hard into being a "normal" het presenting woman for most of my life.

My husband is a very supportive man and he is unusually (for a het guy) adept at understanding/communicating with me about this topic in a mature way that isn't framed around the sexual part of my attraction. He is very good at making me feel safe enough to talk. That being said he is still a straight man and therefore gets turned on by me being turned on by other women (duh). That's fine. I get it. But then he also does things that trigger me into feeling like I'm missing out on having a relationship with a woman. Today he had me watch a "most gay moments in Xena" compilation that sent me spiraling into lesbian longing. I couldn't even finish watching it.

It's like I'm okay with the sex fantasies (probably because I wouldn't be able to stop those no matter what), but the idea of fantasizing about having a romantic relationship with another woman (holding hands, inside jokes, doing everyday things together) that makes me sad thinking about it because it triggers such a longing deep inside me. It's something I will never have. As a monogamous married woman I know I have no right having desires like that. I'm not a cheater and it makes me feel guilty even thinking like that.