Complicated Situation
Hi all,
Using an alt account for this as it's personal.
My wife and I have been together 10 years, married for almost 5. We have a 3 year old kid. We've had some intimacy issues, especially after the birth of our kid. Part of it was definitely me, I've gone through some struggles with trauma (sister died of od in 2020, partner nearly died in childbirth). I got really bad about coming up to bed, just up til like 2am, smoking weed and watching YouTube and watching my kid on the monitor, waiting for him to wake up. Our sex life was down to every couple of months. She had expressed concerns about this over the years and I always deflected. Finally a month ago she asked if I could take off work on a Friday and she left for her parents house when I got home from work (they were on vacation). Finally, we exchanged letters that Saturday night.
In mine I acknowledged how I had been, and what changes I needed to do (get therapy, which I've now been in for a month). In her letter, she revealed that she's been feeling more certain that she's gay, and not bi (as I've always known her). There's more to it, but this was a devastating blow. She's in therapy too now, and is still thinking about if she wants to stay in the marriage. Obviously, we're not making any big changes right now. We have a kid and own our house, and he is our first priority.
But right now, I could just use some support or advice. Therapy has been really helping my problems with communication, how I get defensive and afraid to talk about things deeply that hurt. I've been going to bed on time for the first time in years, my hygiene is better, and I've pretty much cut out smoking weed. But what sucks is knowing none of this could matter and I just have to sit in limbo until she figures out what she wants. It's hard because I want to do what I can to save our relationship, but it's really hard because I also know that it might all be in vain. We established boundaries right away when she came home after her first letter, hugs and kisses okay, sex off the table. After a couple weeks I wrote her a long letter, really owning my problems in the relationship, and laid out how much I love her and desire her. She appreciated the letter, but I've still gotten no big response from her.
It's just hard. I love my wife so much and I don't want to lose her and sitting with the not knowing is really painful.