He told me a week ago....can it actually work?
Hi all! This is going to be a long and emotional post so please bare with me, and please be kind 💔
I (34F) have been with my (34M) husband for 19 years. We were each other's first loves at 15 years old. We have grown up together and have been married for 15 years. We've always done everything together, people close to us joke that we are the same person. And in a way I think we are, I literally do not know who I am without him. Our relationship has always been great and we have two beautiful children together aged 9&10.
He had never been a physically affectionate person. He only ever really touched me when he wanted sex. I accepted that that's just the type of person he was. Physical touch was not his love language. The problem was that physical touch is my language! So after many years of missing that physical affection I felt incomplete.
It was me who decided I wanted to open up the marraige 5 years ago. At first it was just threesomes, then venturing out on our own. After a while we both decided that we were able to love more than one person and polyamory was a good fit for us. Anyone who is experienced with poly knows that it's not a walk in the park and does not come without jealousy. But it worked for us.
After a few false starts we each found a partner. Me a boyfriend and him a girlfriend. We added them to our family and would alternate nights staying with each other, and staying with our partners. For 4 long years we were a mostly happy family.
My husbands girlfriend was actually gender fluid. So they actually felt feminine some days, and masculine others. She brought my husband out of his shell so much to the point where I hardly recognised him. They started doing everything together and the relationship became very unbalanced. I tried to tell him I wanted more time with him but he didn't care or listen. In the end it wasn't worth loosing him so I accepted my fate, enjoyed the 1-2 nights we got together and spent more time with my other partner.
(Hang in there, we're almost there! Thank you for getting this far!)
A few weeks ago my husbands GF broke up with him. He was understandably upset and for the first time admitted that he had been neglecting me and that things had gotten out of control. He promised to make it up to me, and apologised for what he had put me through. Said he wouldn't date again until we were okay. He and GF decided to remain friends. Which was hard for me.
Then a week ago today, he woke me up from a nap and told me he is gay. I was gobsmacked. He's always called himself bi-curious but has never actually expressed any interest in being with a male at all. And now he is telling me that not only is he sexually attracted to males, but also that he is no longer attracted to females at all, me included. After the shock wore off I said well that's it then it's over.
Now this is where it gets confusing.
He tells me that he can't live without me, he says that I am his soul mate. That he is romantically attracted to me and just as in love with me as he ever was. He has also been so affectionate since telling me and is constantly touching, hugging and kissing (peck on the lips) me. I am so confused. I am grieving the loss of his attraction to me and have been crying daily. I have also lost all of my (not that I had much in the first place) self confidence and feel disgusting about my self. I have lost 3ks in a week because I can't even eat.
I want to make this work. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to let him explore his attraction to men without feeling extremely and detrimentally jealous. He promises that he can give me all the love and support that I could ever want, just not the sex. I am still with my BF so it's not like I will go without. But the loss of his attraction to me feels like a physical wound.
How do I know he won't have his first experience with a man and then leave me? How do I know I'm not just going to be a place holder and a safe space for him until he finds what he's really looking for? How can I get my confidence back and feel better about myself?
Please if anyone has any advise or has been in a similar situation and tried to make it would I would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much to anyone who has made it to the end of this post. I am so broken right now and could use any support at all.