i am wondering how this impacts them staying closeted. my husband grew up in the 90’s in the rural bible belt. enough said on that. wondering how it’s impacted others. do you think homophobic homes or cultures worsens this? i feel like it definitely does. hopefully a discussion topic is ok.
I’m mainly looking for empathy and validation and for anyone who’s experienced something similar to chime in about their experience.
I (34f) woke up last night to my husband (34f) telling me he was sick. We’ve been together for going on 4 years, married for 1. He has stomach issues we’ve worked on resolving, so I assumed that’s what he meant. Turns out he’d received sextortion texts from someone he’d given nude photos of himself to on an anonymous app and he was having a panic attack. The individual had threatened to tell me, and my husband’s family, about the exchange unless my husband gave him money. Luckily my husband did not give in to the demands, but he did frantically plead with the individual not to share his photos and information about his participation in these exchanges prior to blocking the number and waking me up.
I sat him down, had him drink some water, and told him to take his time telling me what was going on. He said he’s never told anyone, but he’s bi. I said okay and told him he could share whatever he’d like about that. I added some levity by saying “It’s 2026, Babe, you can be attracted to squid if you want. It’s okay.” I did express what isn’t okay is sharing nudes over the internet in 2026, because it’s too dangerous. That, and we didn’t discuss that sharing nudes with others outside of our relationship is okay. Which, to me, it isn’t.
I think he learned a hard lesson, but he was honest in the moment. I’ll let him tell me, in his time, more about his bisexuality, and I accept that about him. It’s new to me, so I’m still processing, but I don’t harshly judge him for what turns him on. I’m not like that.
What has me nearly gagging at work is the thought of him sneakily going outside of our bond, without first discussing, and seeking this sexual experience with strangers online. I get the allure, I myself used chat rooms back in the day, but my confidence in myself and in the relationship, and in him, has taken a hit. The trust will take time to build back up, and though I’m partially curious and excited to see how to incorporate this into our sexual relationship, I’m also now worried about him needing an element of risk in his personal sexual life. I’m (naturally) worried he’ll hide other things. I’m honored and appreciative of him immediately coming to me when this all happened, but I doubt I would have known had the sexploitation not happened. And that worries and bothers me. I pride myself in being a safe space and a validating and supportive presence, so for him to hide things from me, though I cognitively understand it says more about his ability to trust than my trustworthiness, makes me in turn feel disrespected and hurt.
We’re building a house together and going through harassment charges with his brother (my brother-in-law), so this on top of it has me super discouraged and rather heart broken. My husband has always been very kind, warm, and passionate with me. I’m not worried that he doesn’t find me attractive, I know he does. I hope he knows how attracted I am to him. Yet, he obviously is seeking sexual validation and connection with others, even if it’s “just” (who knows, right?) photos and chatting on apps. So, he likely has some healing to do, or at least some clarification owed to me for what fulfills him. I don’t expect to be the only thing that can turn him on, we all have our Things (fetishes, arousal material, etc.), but I do expect that he open to me, considering we’ve chosen each other as lifelong partners and confidants. I just feel blindsided and hurt. I see from perusing Reddit that it’s not uncommon that a husband is bi or bi-curious or closeted in some way, and that bums me out for the men, but also provides a little relief for my personal anguish. Sexuality isn’t something that fits in a box, and I wish society didn’t frown upon openness and exploring what feels good (even if it doesn’t look like the mainstream idea of what feels good).
I just wish he’d been honest sooner.
Part of me worries that something happened to him in the past that caused him some trauma. Not to say that anyone who is bi etc is traumatized, just the fact he seems so ashamed of it, and is definitely a masculine man attracted to the female form and outwardly appears uncomfortable regarding gay kissing or seeing dude’s butts or junk in movies, etc leads me to believe that he seeks these experiences out of a potentially not-entirely-healthy shame or kink-seeking reason.
Thoughts? Prayers? Any idea on how I can grapple with this? Am I silly for staying with him? Do we think this will escalate into full on sexual cheating? Should I be concerned he didn’t trust me? What have y’all experienced?
Hi all! This is going to be a long and emotional post so please bare with me, and please be kind 💔
I (34F) have been with my (34M) husband for 19 years. We were each other's first loves at 15 years old. We have grown up together and have been married for 15 years. We've always done everything together, people close to us joke that we are the same person. And in a way I think we are, I literally do not know who I am without him. Our relationship has always been great and we have two beautiful children together aged 9&10.
He had never been a physically affectionate person. He only ever really touched me when he wanted sex. I accepted that that's just the type of person he was. Physical touch was not his love language. The problem was that physical touch is my language! So after many years of missing that physical affection I felt incomplete.
It was me who decided I wanted to open up the marraige 5 years ago. At first it was just threesomes, then venturing out on our own. After a while we both decided that we were able to love more than one person and polyamory was a good fit for us. Anyone who is experienced with poly knows that it's not a walk in the park and does not come without jealousy. But it worked for us.
After a few false starts we each found a partner. Me a boyfriend and him a girlfriend. We added them to our family and would alternate nights staying with each other, and staying with our partners. For 4 long years we were a mostly happy family.
My husbands girlfriend was actually gender fluid. So they actually felt feminine some days, and masculine others. She brought my husband out of his shell so much to the point where I hardly recognised him. They started doing everything together and the relationship became very unbalanced. I tried to tell him I wanted more time with him but he didn't care or listen. In the end it wasn't worth loosing him so I accepted my fate, enjoyed the 1-2 nights we got together and spent more time with my other partner.
(Hang in there, we're almost there! Thank you for getting this far!)
A few weeks ago my husbands GF broke up with him. He was understandably upset and for the first time admitted that he had been neglecting me and that things had gotten out of control. He promised to make it up to me, and apologised for what he had put me through. Said he wouldn't date again until we were okay. He and GF decided to remain friends. Which was hard for me.
Then a week ago today, he woke me up from a nap and told me he is gay. I was gobsmacked. He's always called himself bi-curious but has never actually expressed any interest in being with a male at all. And now he is telling me that not only is he sexually attracted to males, but also that he is no longer attracted to females at all, me included. After the shock wore off I said well that's it then it's over.
Now this is where it gets confusing.
He tells me that he can't live without me, he says that I am his soul mate. That he is romantically attracted to me and just as in love with me as he ever was. He has also been so affectionate since telling me and is constantly touching, hugging and kissing (peck on the lips) me. I am so confused. I am grieving the loss of his attraction to me and have been crying daily. I have also lost all of my (not that I had much in the first place) self confidence and feel disgusting about my self. I have lost 3ks in a week because I can't even eat.
I want to make this work. I don't know who I am without him. I don't know how to let him explore his attraction to men without feeling extremely and detrimentally jealous. He promises that he can give me all the love and support that I could ever want, just not the sex. I am still with my BF so it's not like I will go without. But the loss of his attraction to me feels like a physical wound.
How do I know he won't have his first experience with a man and then leave me? How do I know I'm not just going to be a place holder and a safe space for him until he finds what he's really looking for? How can I get my confidence back and feel better about myself?
Please if anyone has any advise or has been in a similar situation and tried to make it would I would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much to anyone who has made it to the end of this post. I am so broken right now and could use any support at all.
I´m just very curious and I wanna understand. If your gay spouse feels attraction towards the same gender and not towards yours, how could he or she was even able to gotten involved in any sexual activities with you? Did he or she enjoyed it? Or pretended he does? Did you feel your sex life is bad, but considered it more like r/deadbedrooms thing? Or you didn´t even notice? And after his coming out, did you talk about it and did he or she get the chance to explain how it felt for them?
Thank you so much for honestly sharing these intimate and sensitive matters, and I wish you lots of strength!
I didn’t know where else to post this, so i’m putting it here hoping for advice and perspective.
I have a ex- bestfriend that is gay. It’s not something he wanted anyone to know, he told me he was going to die with the secret but was glad that it was me that found out. Once I found out, he was an open book about everything regarding his sexuality. For the most part. (essentially almost verbatim admitted that he’s gay, but that he can’t be, so he’s not). We talked in detail about it and he would just cry and cry and talk about how ashamed he was and how he has to change. Later on he would make a move on me, which by that point I was completely thrown.
I kindly, nonverbally turned down his gesture, but the following day he insisted on needing space from me and blamed me for various things half of which genuinely made no sense.That same week, he went to instantly date a girl that’s had a crush on him forever, but he would never give her the time of day previously and said the nastiest things about her and would give literally 5 reasons he’d never date everytime he was asked . One of them being that she’s “disgusting” and “her body proportions are weird”.
We have not talked or hung out the whole time they’ve been dating (with the exception of a few weird reach outs, push/pulls from him trying to get back into my life and then running again). His girlfriend does not know what happened between us (him making moves on me) she just knows we were close and no longer are. She has asked a few times but he keeps her in the dark about it.
He has been dating this girl he’s not into for 6 months now. She has no idea. She was a very close friend of mine until they started dating. I decided to step back and keep my mouth shut because it isn’t my business.
This girl was head over heels for him before they even started dating, and she is very seriously and obviously in love right now. Everytime I see them together i get this disgusting guilty feeling for not telling her. She’s happier than i’ve ever seen her and it’s really really great to see, but also really really difficult to watch.
I can’t tell her because that would be outing him, but then i’d also be a bad person for just watching this all go down. I cannot stress to yall how badly this situation has me fucked up. I try my hardest everyday to be a good person. And now no matter how much I do it does not matter because at the end of the day I’m holding this massively important secret that’s making me a terrible person. I don’t know what to do. If they get married and he does the whole coming out after having kids deal, i’m the worst person in the world.
I feel super betrayed and hurt right now by my two best friends. My husband came out to me in the beginning of June. I have two best friends who I’ve been talking to and relying on for a lot of emotional support. I was chatting with them just now and one said “it was always a running joke in our house that he was gay.” And “no one was surprised when he came out” And I was like WTH… it was a fucking JOKE?? So I screenshot and sent to my other best friend and she responds with “she’s not wrong. He was too neat to not be gay.”
I don’t know how to respond to ANY of this. It’s so fucked up imo. I’ve never thought that about anyone’s spouse before. Hell I don’t think I’ve even talked about anyone’s spouse to my spouse in any similar type of conversation before… I don’t think I can talk to either of them ever again. And the worst part is, that once he’s fully out, it’s just going to get fucking worse. I’m never going to be able to get away from any of this.
I was married to a very attractive/fit (giant muscle / military-type) man for six years, both in long-term marriages previously. His ex-wife told their kids he was gay and had proof, but it was a high-conflict divorce with a lot of crazy behavior on her part. Treated me well and had an active sex life, so I always joked that if he’s gay, he sure is good at hetero sex and we could always be BFF no matter what. He had lots of issues with his own insecurity, especially about his p*nis which was perfectly great. Sometimes he would have trouble with getting going, but he attributed to anxiety or drinking. Also had emotional immaturity / job / identity stuff that was very frustrating. Drinking problem but ‘manageable.’ Blended family with his bio daughter and my son and daughter. The youngest is my daughter by five years who he raised with me from nine years old.
Two months ago, my daughter (now 14) sent me a screenshot of a text she received from with an Amazon ad for very tiny women’s thong underwear (like a stripper). It said ‘between us’ and ‘if you like’ with emphasis when she didn’t respond. He had sent and unsent the message. I learned he had sent and unsent a pic of himself in a towel on Insta. And that he had OF on his phone (nudes) in view of her the same day the text was sent but tried to hide it. I immediately handled, and by the next day he was out of the house, etc etc starting divorce. The divorce was finalized in record time.
Prior to this, we were separated for one year, during which we were working on our marriage. He did not want to divorce. Wanted to try so hard. After a family vacay, I got a text from him early in one morning to say he was feeling a lot of insecurity about his p*nis (still) and wanted to have a procedure to enhance the girth (like filler). We had been together four years at this point. I freaked out because I was like, ‘Who is this for?? It’s not for me. And I’m very concerned that you’d want to go show it off once it’s done’ etc, etc. Pretty normal concerns and marital discussions. We started marriage counseling to work through it among other issues. Ultimately, I supported him doing it … and he had already scheduled it.
Separation (but not seeing others) continues for one year basically. Procedure is Feb. We are in therapy for most of this time. He’s highly attentive and doing all the things. I just found out, however, that he cheated with a woman we know in March. She was in a lesbian relationship prior and is likely the only gay person he knows. She said it was one time and that he told her we were divorcing and that he came on to her. She was drunk and regretted doing it, but she honestly thought we were divorcing because ‘he later was telling me about all of the things and people he was doing. I figured there was NO WAY you were together with what he was sharing.’
He was in sending pics of himself in thongs asking which to wear to meetups with men. He was on sites and going to men’s houses when traveling for work. Was in gay bars anytime he was out of town. Shared a pic of his favorite toy for a** **play (giant). Would get very drunk and then go to these meetups and tell her later that it was worth it but he his a— was sore. So lots and lots of detail over 6-7 months. All of this time he’s calling and texting me and coming home to have sex with me. He shared with her that when we were dating, he had an experience with two TS roommates. Shared that he prefers women, but likes the sexuality of it all and the acts with men.
She continued talking to and emotionally supporting him because she felt like he was a closeted gay man. I understand all of that and feel compassion but also very angry that I was lied to and cheated on for the better part of a year while he wanted to ‘save the marriage.’
He’s minimized all of it. Moving out was hard for him. He made some mistakes. He’s so sorry about the inappropriate texts and will seek redemption and forgiveness forever. Meanwhile, he’s already on Bumble (a woman found me) and posting gym selfies that appear to be for a male audience.
I know I won’t ever make sense of someone else’s behavior, but just interested in perspectives.
I just want to be loved and adored.
So I posted on here before asking advice about my wife, wanting a physical and emotional relationship with a woman. I struggle with trying to justify that just because it’s the same sex. I am trying to understand though. I just don’t see anyway where I would feel completely safe unless we were experiencing this side of her as a couple . I feel selfish, but also I don’t quite understand having a relationship with anybody else outside of your marriage. I have experienced threesomes in the past and I had good experiences so I know it could be absolute magic. The thing is, that she is not OK with me being with a female and I fear that even if the situation would happen, it would feel forced, and it would not be enjoyable. She does make remarks saying that she would try to get to a point to where she could feel OK with that. But I’ve been with her for 11 years and I know her insecurities that I have been trying to work on this entire time. I would be completely OK not bringing anybody into our marriage but to me if she wants this other side of her separate from me I need something for me,That’s separate from her. Or we can experiment together as a couple as best friends as soulmates. Please let me know any and all opinions!
Three years back, everyone on this thread was so supportive and kind to me when my bi ex left my life because she told me she was gay now.
You all were part of how I navigated that emotional maelstrom of a time in my life. And I can’t thank all of you enough.
But I fear I wasted your time. The wound reopeneed again today when I found out that she just married another man. And already has a kid with him.
She used her sexuality and my trust to get out, instead of just telling me the truth that she didn’t want to be with ME anymore.
I’m not sure what to do now with all those years of therapy and complicated processing. I feel like all my efforts to come to terms with it and step into my allyship again were all for nothing. And I feel so stupid.
I think part of my readjustment now is telling you all that I see you. I see your ACTUAL stories navigating partners who are ACTUALLY leaving for a same-sex partner.
And I want to reiterate that your pain and your journeys and your processing is valid. For what it’s worth: You CAN get to the other side. I promise you.
My ex is MTF. I had no idea while dating and before marriage that they had gender dysphoria and had been suppressing these feelings since they were a small child. What is most surprising to me is that I had them cross-dress and go to my college's drag ball. You would have thought that that would have been a perfect time to disclose how they felt to me. Many many years later after I found out and then more years later they started to transition, I asked why they had never told me. Their answers went from "I didn't know" (which was a lie) to "I knew but I was suppressing it because I didn't want to admit it" (which I can believe) to "you were too good of a person and I knew if I told you that I would lose you" (which pisses me off royally because you basically admitted to lying to me and basically trapping me). And the funny thing is that if I would have met her in her true form we probably could have been friends.
There were many things wrong in our 20 year marriage--a lot of emotional abuse from them as well as narcissistic tendencies. We have separated and our divorce should be finalized by either the end of this month or sometime next month.
Thankfully, with a lot of therapy and finally being able to focus on myself and my own issues rather than trying to deal with a spouse who is transitioning (which felt like a death to me) as well as trying to be the only one to keep a failing marriage together, I have made peace with a lot of things. However, one thing that I cannot get over and that I HATE is that I feel like my ex took away my innocence about how I felt about trans people in general.
I will be the first to say that I have never questioned my own gender so I don't know what it is like for someone to have to deal with the feeling of being trapped in the wrong body. I have always been an ally, and ironically enough more so than my ex when we first met. But now, after all of this, I am having a hard time separating my ex being trans and a jerk from my ex just being a jerk. It's almost like I see any trans person and get angry, sad, upset, or any mix of emotions. I see posts of people coming out online (which is wonderful for them) but then I see no support or question about the spouse left behind. And I get angry and frustrated and sad. It doesn't help that my ex expected me to accept their discovering themselves when they didn't accept the same thing of me when we met in our late teens. But whenever I see these celebrations I feel gutted. Maybe it reminds me of the loneliest point of my life?
I'm reaching out hoping that someone can relate and might have some advice on how to move past this. I don't want to feel like this towards others and I hate that this is another thing in the lost list of things that I feel like they took from me.
Hi everyone, I broke up with my ex of 3 months (thankfully not longer than that) a while ago, and I'd really appreciate your insight on whether I was his beard or not.
These are the main signs that felt off to me.
On his sexual orientation:
On our sex life:
On our relationship:
What drove us to break up sooner than later was the sudden death of someone extremely important to me, which gave me a nervous breakdown. I wanted to seek emotional support from him and asked if I can call him several nights a week to help ease my mind. He told me that calling me on weeknights would annoy him.
When we finally broke up, he told me that, despite his acknowledgement that I've invested more care and effort into his wellbeing than his other friends or exes, he is confident that he could feel the same love we shared with someone else. I was so shocked. How could he acknowledge my efforts relative to others and at the same time, deem me as replaceable?
I believe that he's either incapable of romantically attaching himself to women (so he'd be homoromantic), or he's simply a narcissist who is incapable of becoming romantically attached to anyone. I am actually inclined to believe he's the former case because he'd probably be more capable of appreciating a man who looks like him... what do you think? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
Hi all
I'm (35M) around 2.5 years out from separating with my ex-wife (33F) and the divorce was finalised around 6 months ago. We were together around 8 years and married for just over 1. Emotional affair, questioning sexuality and seeing no future with a man (ie me) on her end (long story short and I'm sure many of you can relate with similar experiences) led to where I find myself now.
It's been a tough road so far but I am starting to feel like I am getting closer to more peace and being generally ok. There are still days where the grief can still come but it's so much less than it was a year or two ago when I was in the crisis stage. I often just simply miss having my best friend with me and the life I had. I was happy. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for much of this time and haven't worked for the past 2 years. Due to start a new job soon so I can see how far I've come and still have some way to go I'm sure. Things do get easier but I'm accepting that it's likely to always be there now to some degree.
I am still struggling with how best to get through the next parts now.
Starting life again in mid 30s feels so odd. I have often felt like the traditional life path of career, marriage, kids hasn't really fit me and the past few years has been a lot of thinking about what I really want from life. So in some ways this huge event has pushed me onto a path that maybe suits me better. There have been some silver linings.
I often get this feeling that I am betraying the old version of me, the one who promised to spend their life with someone, who made those promises to that person and in front of all my family and friends. This part of actually getting divorced was difficult for me, that I had to be a person that had no choice but to break those promises, even though it was the right thing to do for myself in the circumstances. This also seems to apply anytime I think about a potential partner that I may or may not find in the future.
Just wanted to hear from people maybe even further on that have found things that really helped them to move towards their new and different lives? I can sometimes get wary of getting stuck at this point in the journey for too long.
While working on my mental health I have also tried to consciously figure out the things I truly enjoy and who I am which has helped me reconnect with myself after all of this which I would say to do for anyone who is early on in their own situation.
Thank you!