r/straightspouses

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here. Proof that my husband‘s actually gay and he’s been hiding it from me for a decade? Perhaps if I knew he was gay it would make the pain a lot less than I feel now?? Maybe I just need to know if anyone else has lived through something similar because I’m so confused! / heartbroken / lost, and hurt.

It’s suuuuper long, but here’s my story. Please be kind Internet friends - as I am feeling very vulnerable right now. Thank you for reading:

Before me (f45,) and my husband (m40,) got engaged, he told me a story that never completely left my mind. He said one of his male roommates had fallen in love with him, that they ended up making out in a hot tub, and afterward the friendship completely fell apart. I remember asking him directly, “Are you gay?” He said no, and I believed him. We got married and built a life together for the past 10 years. He has always suffered from depression and seemed to be brooding a lot of the time, but I just shrugged it off as being a grumpy man some of the time.

Looking back, there were little things that always made me wonder. He had several female friends who genuinely seemed to be just friends. I’ve honestly never known many straight men who could have attractive female friends without some sort of romantic or sexual tension, but with him there never seemed to be any. It wasn’t just one friendship—it seemed to be a pattern.

At the time he was actually less traditionally masculine than he is now. Over the years he got heavily into lifting, grew a beard, participated in strongman competitions, hunting, firearms, mountain hiking - interests that made him seem more conventionally masculine. But even then, there was always a small part of me that wondered if something was missing.

Our sex life was difficult from the beginning. There were good moments, but intimacy often felt awkward in a way I had never experienced before. More than anything, I was rejected. He turned me down for sex more times than anyone I had ever been with, and over time I internalized that rejection. He constantly gaslit me as to why he wouldn’t have sex with me. I swear it made me feel crazy for so long.

After having our two children I gained quite a bit of weight. I was embarrassed by it and honestly still struggle to look at pictures from that time. Eventually I lost all of it. Today I’m in the best shape of my adult life. Yet during one of our final conversations about why he wanted a divorce, he told me he wasn’t sexually attracted to my body.
That wasn’t the first painful thing.

In 2023 he came out to me as bisexual. Looking back, that’s also when our marriage really began falling apart. He claimed he had never been with a man before - but oddly admitted to giving himself an enema with a water bottle in a hotel room before. (I know, so random??!!- but is this a thing???) Around that same time he began hinting that he didn’t want to be married anymore. I spent the next couple of years desperately trying to save the marriage while feeling like I was constantly failing.

During our attempted reconciliation, he admitted to multiple affairs with women over the course of our marriage. I also found proof of notes and videos with women and only women. The relationships he described sounded incredibly intense, emotionally and sexually. Meanwhile, I felt like I was fighting just to be wanted by my own husband!!! I promise, I take good care of myself and I’m not unattractive. I’m actually a really kind/fun person too!!

A few months ago he filed for divorce. I was completely blindsided. He hadn’t sat me down and clearly said he wanted a divorce; instead there had just been years of hints, distance, and mixed messages. Now we’re divorcing, sharing custody of our two young children, and I’m trying to process the fact that I’ll miss half of their childhood. This past Fourth of July weekend they were gone for three days with him, and it hit me harder than I ever imagined.

The hardest thing he has ever said to me came recently. He told me he had been PRETENDING FOR 10 YEARS to be romantically attracted to me. and he married me for all of the other reasons other than sexual attraction.

I don’t know what to do with that.

Reading this back to myself, I feel like such an idiot. I can’t believe this has been my life for the past decade and I put up with it. I’m just so heartbroken to not be with my children full time and feel abandoned by what felt like my best friend. He’s walking around super happy now it’s almost like there’s a skip to his step. He’s in therapy, going out all the time - making new friends and I feel like my life has fallen apart. We still live together and it feels like torture.

If you made it this far, thank you. I’m not here to debate anyone’s sexuality or to criticize bisexual people. I know bisexual people can have healthy, faithful marriages. I’m trying to understand my own experience. Has anyone else been married to someone who later disclosed being bisexual or gay and said they had essentially been pretending? Did your intimacy feel different from the beginning? Did you spend years believing there was something wrong with you, only to later wonder if it was never really about you at all?
Right now I feel like I’m grieving not only the end of my marriage but also questioning whether the relationship I thought I had ever really existed.

I discovered my bf porn addiction 4 months ago.
It’s was all trans (pre op) he also watched cams and sexted with them on Kik.
It was all sexual with no emotions.
He claims that after 10 years of being alone struggling with depression from bereavement his porn addiction escalated from hetero porn to this.

Now I’m obviously assuming he is bi. He denies it. He said that he never started with this preference and doesn’t know ‘how it got so bad’ meaning he was always interested in women.
He was in a relationship where he had a child with his ex and she cheated on him pretty badly.
If it is a porn addiction I may consider giving him time to see if he really can recover, he is currently in therapy. But if he has lied to me about his real sexuality I’m out the door.

The reasons I’m finding it so hard atm to leave is because this has genuinely been the best relationship. He’s so affectionate, caring and loving. We laugh and support each other. Our sex life has always been amazing, he always focuses on my pleasure, his body reacts to me instantly. it’s so confusing to be in love with a version of him when another was being so deceiving. It’s truly blindsided me

He has opened up about his porn addiction more to me, he said that even though it’s caused so much hurt, he’s relieved that I know and it’s been freeing for him.

If anyone has experienced anything like this please do share x

After years with the person and feeling something was off, did you hope that he was gay— because that would have made everything make sense?

******Lack of passion******

We've been dating 6 months and I feel a strange lack of passion from him. I am good looking and feminine and other men I've dated just seemed a lot more into me. Numerous times he's held out his hand and I thought he wanted to hold hands but he just wanted me to massage he hand. He never wants to cuddle unless it's sex.

Not attracted to me??????

Physically I am above average in the looks department and often get quite a bit of attention from men. But my boyfriend rarely compliments my appearance or even looks pleased with it. I asked him once if he was attracted to me. After trying to evade the question he said yes. I asked for specifics and he was so vague. Said I was beautiful and have a nice body. That's it. Is that normal? I could personally go on and on about what attracts me to a man I'm into, e.g., his broad shoulders, his big hands, his height, his complexion, his hairy chest. He gave me nothing.

*****Weird sex life*****

He has been complaining recently saying that he doesn't like certain positions because they don't let him stay hard. He said my vagina is tight for 2 minutes and then relaxes and isn't tight and he can't feel anything. I use a very very tiny dildo to pleasure myself so I really don't think it's a question of me having a large vagina. He also doesn't have a small dick. Not massive but decent size. But it clicked for me today that if he's used to anal then of course a vagina would feel loose.

I ALWAYS need to finish him with a blow job.

For the first 5 minutes we have sex, he seems very into it. Then he starts looking incredibly bored. He even sighs during sex like it's a chore. He has complained that I take too long to finish. (Isn't sex supposed to be enjoyable and something that's fun??? And not a race to the finish line?) I think he maybe came while we were having sex once. Every other time it's in my mouth. He likes intense and vigorous blow jobs.

He has recently been pushing to have sex without a condom and have anal sex. Neither of which I'm comfortable with given my concerns. He threw a tantrum the other day in bed when I refused to have sex without a condom and said I killed the mood and just stopped mid act. So we just didn't have sex.

*****Close male friends*****

He seems to have emotionally strong relationships with his male friends, especially one who he works with. They have been on two business trips recently and my bf shaved his junk right before the trips, which he rarely does otherwise. One night I barely heard from him. The next night I asked what he did that night and he was like a deer in the headlights. I don't know what he was doing but I know it was something he didn't want me to know about. I have seen nothing that is black and white on his phone but I did notice he deleted his chats with that coworker as of the day he returned from that trip. Why on earth else would he do that?

*****I have cheating concerns****

I've had this feeling he's been cheating for months and now I'm wondering if I've been looking at the wrong gender.

Interestingly, he is very suspicious of me and has practically accused me of cheating or messaging men numerous times. It has got to the point that he imagines entire scenarios about me spontaneously meeting men when I'm out and joining them for drinks at another bar when I'm really just catching up with my girlfriend. He picks apart my story and looks for cracks even when I am telling him the truth in excruciating detail.

******Performative affection******

His parents love me and I feel like he is more affectionate to me around them, almost as if it's a performance. It's crushing because I'm starting to feel so lonely and neglected that it feels good to be affectionately touched when we're at his parents. He doesn't do it so much when we're alone. We watch tv almost every night and hell ask for a massage but rarely ever pets me or cuddles me. I don't know if this is normal but it feels so cold. It's one of those things I never thought about until this relationship when it's missing.

*****Weekday morning meetups with men*****

He's had numerous weekday "breakfasts" with friends from out of town and I'm not wondering if those were grinder hookups or something. In the little research I've done, it seems like gay hookups are a lot easier to schedule at random times. That said, I have seen him actually plan these breakfasts with his friends. So if he's hooking up with these dudes, they have to also be closeted and they would have had to agree on a code or something, e.g. always texting as if there are peering eyes and giving an official meeting place via text for the chat. Maybe they are doing brunch and sex afterwards? Are closeted gay men this sophisticated?

*****He once called me a "dirty little boy" in bed*****

English is not his first language but he's probably at like 85% proficiency and nowhere near not understanding the difference between boy and girl. THIS was weird.

*****One thing that doesn't add up*****

One thing that doesn't add up for me is that he's very possessive and jealous and suspicious. He calls me constantly when I'm out and always tells me not to talk to other men. If he doesn't love me or care about me, why does he care who I'm with or what I'm doing? This part I don't get.

*****He gets mad over small things and is overall extremely critical of me*****

I just don't feel this man actually loves me. He yelled at me once for preparing a salad the wrong way. Another time for spilling a cup of tea. Two of many examples.

******CONCLUSION******

I am feeling increasingly lonely and detached in this relationship. Worst of all, I'm worried if he has been hooking up with men, he could have exposed me to serious STDs like HIV. So I am also getting tested and grappling with that right now.

Are there any surefire ways to find out if he is closeted? And then the other question - if he is closeted, is he having sex with men? Or is it completely repressed? He has a somewhat high profile job and is from a traditional part of the world where homosexuality is NOT ok. Is it possible he's so afraid and repressed that he isn't actually sleeping with men? On the surface he's quite homophobic.

I feel very alone and confused right now and my self esteem has taken a beating. Usually I feel very desired in relationships as I am good looking at take care of myself and love being with a man. I love to love and to be loved. He makes me feel undesired.

TLDR

I'm worried my boyfriend is gay because he can only stay hard for 5 min despite having a high sex drive. I always have to give him a blow job to finish him. He is not very affectionate unless were around his parents. There is a weird cold vibe that I haven't experienced before. When I'm out in public men oogle over me but my boyfriend doesn't. I feel lonely and confused and also worrying about STDs atm while waiting for test results to come back.

EDIT - OTHER THINGS I REMEMBERED

When I left my dildo on his nightstand, he asked me to remove it in case his parents saw it, he doesn't want them to think he's gay. This totally threw me off as my mind NEVER would have gone there. Why on earth would he think they would jump to that conclusion??

He once stood up for his bff/colleague at work and got me to read the message in the slack channel. It was such an emotionally charged and long message. My BF is usually very to the point. He has never said anything like that for or about me. His bff left a voice note thanking him and he almost sounded teary eyed. Is this normal hetero behavior?

My marriage has been a lonely, empty place for years. As I was getting ready this morning, it hit me— I think my husband is gay. It really explains so much. Background: my husband is military (more than 20 years in). We have been married just over a decade. When we met, I was coming off a toxic relationship. Prior to that, I was in a physically abusive marriage. He was different— genuine, kind, and “safe.” While dating, I initiated sex 90% of the time. When we did have sex, he struggled to stay hard. He rarely finished. I would try to talk to him about it and would sometimes be so hurt I would cry. He would blame me saying I made him not want to have sex by making a big deal out of him not finishing. He hadn’t seriously dated many women prior to me (despite us being in our late 20’s) so I chocked it up to him needing to gain experience/confidence (this was a red flag I missed). After dating for some time, I brought up marriage. He knew I wanted to remarry someday and have a family. Well, suddenly we were no longer on the same page. He didn’t want to marry “anyone” anymore (apparently not just me) so I broke it off. He came back crying less than a week later. We married later that year. Yes, a mistake, I know. Fast forward to early-marriage: sex was infrequent but that was partially due to deployments and TDYs. However, he has always been and still is VERY emotionally distant. I feel like he hasn’t ever really let me in. Our relationship is very surface. We ended up having a daughter and I had a very traumatic birth. That’s when the sex stopped fully. In the last 7 years, we have had sex maybe 6 times. For a year or so after our daughter was born, I would initiate and get turned down. It really damaged my self-esteem and I eventually stopped trying. I was half shattered and half curious to see if he would ever initiate. Nope. Never. He claimed he was terrified to have another child and said that’s why he didn’t want to have sex. He said having a vasectomy would help our sex life, so against my better judgment, I agreed. Well, joke is on me because we have had sex 3 times since his vasectomy 3 years ago. It didn’t change a thing. Zero intimacy of any kind. We tried marriage counseling. It made things worse. For years he’s been depressed (diagnosed but won’t take meds) and has chronic headaches. He’s edgy and irritable. He doesn’t have any friends he hangs out with but speaks very highly and often about a colleague who is gay. I have never had access to his phone. I walk by naked and he doesn’t even look. He doesn’t get in the shower with me. He doesn’t compliment me. I get the routine hug and peck before work and that’s it. I was at a wedding recently (solo) and opened up to my good friend about what’s been going on. Later, her boyfriend pulled me aside and said, “I just want you to know you are a stunning woman inside and out. Truly, I don’t think you know how much you turn heads.” It hit hard. I’m nearly 40. I’m a hard-working professional. I don’t look my age. I’m attractive— petite, fit, and pretty (feels weird typing that). I take care of myself. I’ve been shattered for years going through the motions of an empty marriage. I feel rejected. The other night my husband made a comment and I jokingly made a comment back along the lines of “I’m open for business” as I was changing out of my clothes for bed. The look on his face was pure disgust and that’s when it hit me. Anything connected to intimacy with me has been met with that same disgust for nearly 10 years. There are so many other red flags but I’m pretty sure no one will read this far. I don’t know how to open the conversation with my husband, but it has to happen. Do I just flat out ask him? If you’ve read this far, thank you. It helps getting it out there.

I'm an F(30) and my boyfriend is an M(31). I haven't slept nor eaten properly the past days due to overthinking. Few days ago I found gay porn on his phone. I confronted him and he said that it is just due to porn addiction that he's had since teenage years. He also said it might have been caused also by a childhood trauma when he was young wherein a man rubbed his penis against his arm which made him cry and traumatized. He says he is straight and only ever been attracted to women. He said his porn addiction got so bad that he spirals into all kinds of porn and not just gay porn. I also found straight porn on his phone though. He said he only jerks off to women (but I'm not sure if he just says that to calm me down). We've been together for five years already and always had a great sex life since he gets easily aroused by me. He actually likes going down on me a lot. Given these, it makes me really confused. I've read stories here that they're decades into marriage already, with kids already, and had active sex life prior to finding out their partners are gay. That's what makes me overthink a lot. I am so scared that it might turn out to be the same case as mine. I don't know if I should break up with him as early as now. He says he is not attracted to men in real life and it's just more of his body dysmorphia that makes him look at men as he wants to be like them. My partner is also kind of effeminate and people would always wonder if he is gay. I am his first girlfriend ever but he had courted other girls before when he was younger. He also confessed that during college days, men would peek on him in the men's room but he never entertained those encounters. Lastly, whenever we get massages, he prefers a male masseur because he says they give better pressure application and they don't have pointy/bony fingers like a female masseus.

I'm sorry if it's not constructed well as English isn't my first language.. and this anxiety makes me just type all the thoughts I have as I go through. Anyway.. please help me. I am so confused and scared. I love him so much and he tells me likewise but lately I really can't sleep and eat well due to overthinking. I'm having doubts and insecurities I never had before. It's like he's a different person to me now. I don't wanna lose him but I'm scared that he might realize it later on in the future what he really wants. I also feel kind of insecure that he might be attracted also to men.

My gay ex continues to deny my experience and tells people that I wasn’t hurt and that my injuries were self-inflicted. Having to hear those claims while going through an ongoing legal process has been incredibly painful. It feels like I’m not only dealing with the trauma itself but also with having my reality questioned.
For those who have experienced a former partner denying everything and spreading false narratives, how did you cope? How did you stop letting their words affect you? Did things get better with time?
I’m trying to trust the legal process and focus on healing, but some days it’s overwhelming. I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.

I found in my husbands(now ex) emails a reset password for Grindr account i then downloaded the app which was in his app store search bar along with other dating apps. And then i reset password again and logged on to account. I see that he had try to meet someone at a date when he wasnt home with no success, and then then night before i discovered the reset password in email he had met a man who live a 1 km from our house and wasnt at home at time of messages giving direction and locations that match where we live. Hes is claiming to be hacked which i know is utter bs just need some clarity as he is constantly going on about it as we still have contact due to a son that we have. Thoughts please...

I am a 36 F and ‘my boyfriend M39 has been watching a lot of porn almost every other night and sometimes during the day which makes me think he may be a porn addict. I have also seen in his chat history searches about FAps whatever that
is. Anyway we are going through pre marital counselling as we are planning on marriage however a recent plot twist is that he has been watching back to back trans porn and I am wondering how to approach him on this as I don’t really want to get married to someone who eventually I find out he is bi or gay. He also has grown up in a religious family which is almost cult like. How would one approach this situ??

I'm struggling. After almost 20 years of being together my wife told me she is gay. When we met she admitted she was Bi and preferred women, but we shared a deep connection and connected intimately so well. That continued fine for years. After we had kids it got harder and we didn't have support or invest in our romantic relationshiop and intimacy like we used to. She said the family was most important. To show my love I put the family first in everything as did she. Then her brother came out as trans nonbinary. That was fine, but she confronted them about not being there for her. Her sibling threw me under the bus and stated he wasn't there for her because they didnt like me. They went on and on about how great things were for them and their wife with their polycule and new identity while also bemoaning how hard it is to be trans. Then she met her new friend and "gender warrior" nonbinary person. They met at a poetry event and suddenly she was hanging out with this person constantly. She stated they didnt like men and shortly after she said she would never sleep with a man again, and she wanted a divorce. I begged her to work through it and our issues in couples counselling and try to repair our relationship for our family and our kids. She refused. Now Im living with this person who wont communicate with me, involves their new friend with our children at every opportunity, as I struggle alone suddenly without my best friend watching her put more into her new identity than she would work on our relationship. She avoids all family activities if they involve me in any way. I'm struggling as the divorce proceeds. I have few friends or nearby family as I put everything into our kids and relationship. I'm 40 years old and facing starting over in everything. I feel I'm too old to find anyone else and with my kids being so important its hard to see how anyone could feel ok being with me when I will always prioritize my children first. We are awaiting lawyer negotiations and I have made the point I'm trying to be kind and doing no fault for her and even custody. She goes out every weekend until 4 am with her new friends, while I take care of the children. I was a stay at home dad for years and told her I wanted to work on our relationship so many times only to be met with no action and when I formulated plans they were shot down or met with disconnection. How can I survive this? I just want to disappear but know my kids need me. I'm so close with them, but I'm so hurt from their Mom. I miss my best friend.

I posted my journey through this a little while back and it’s been quite a rough one. My wife and I divorced a couple months ago at this point and just getting through the divorce alone was emotionally draining. She had come out to me about two years ago when she expressed that she needed to explore her sexuality and we have both been through a lot in that time. She hasn’t been able to sever ties with the woman she originally started dating, but from what I’m told they are no longer together romantically, just as friends. Throughout this time we have been through multiple back and forths on if we can make this work, as we still feel such a strong and deep bond with one another. I still have major trust issues though and there have been periods of time where she has stated that if she could, she would have both of us. The other woman and I have not been on board with that, but there was a lot of dishonesty for a period of time, where I thought her and I were trying to make things work. She has been back and forth also in how she feels about her sexuality, at times telling me that she is a lesbian, and then other times where she takes it back and says that she didn’t really mean it and was just in a dark place mentally. When we have these conversations she still talks about having kids, a house, and a family with me and all the beautiful things that come with it. The trust issues are what ultimately lead to me stating we need to go through with the divorce, because it felt like a marriage I didn’t agree upon, even if the love was still there. It’s still a tough position to take though because I’m still torn on if we can get past this.

Im just wondering if there is anyone who has been through all of this and has come out on the other side and still made things work? At this point I’m just so tired of having conversations about the future and what things mean, I just want to live in the present. Any other men have wives/ex’s who constantly flip flopped on how they felt? I feel like I’ve come a long way in terms of accepting that there will be no clarity at the end of the day.

I don’t know if I’m crazy for wondering, but I feel like I need a sanity check. I’ve flat out asked my hubs if he’s into men, and he laughs it off like it’s a completely ridiculous thing to even think and he vehemently denies it- but something keeps sitting weird in my gut.

I don’t know if I’m gaslighting myself or overthinking. How can you tell if it’s something someone might be burying inside? I’ve started to wonder about him more and more. There’s just something about his mannerisms that sets my alarm bells off sometimes. Also the way he never wants to kiss me (only ever a grandma peck when I ask), he doesn’t even cuddle or be close to me and sleeps as far away from me as he can get in bed. He’s super emotional, dramatic, a little neurotic. Preoccupied with his looks (due to dysmorphia) and will make remarks on other guys’ looks. Meanwhile, I haven’t gotten a compliment in ages. There’s no chemistry or physical affection, and we fight super often over sex. He hardly ever wants sex with me. He admitted that he was attracted to me when we were dating, and once we were married/intimate he stopped being attracted to me. He said he has a high drive, but apparently it’s not clicking in our marriage??? We’ve had a rocky relationship and a lot of intense life stress but we’re young and have only been married a couple years, so I don’t know what to think.

I’ll mention too that he’s staunchly conservative and vocally very disapproving of that lifestyle. The gut feeling is bothering me a lot honestly, but maybe I’m overthinking. Would y’all be concerned?

Editing to add: he is recovered from 🌽 and very religious upbringing. We were not intimate until after we got married, so no way of knowing… :/

Wife came out to me and only me about 3 years back. Wanted to make it open so that she could explore her sexuality. We've got 2 young kids and I thought that was a ticket to divorce so I've been resisting it. Now we're both miserable - though the kids are still amazing and they don't know anything... Anyway - bedroom has been dead since last September and it seems my wife would still like to open it up. I think I'm emotionally disengaged enough from her at this point to not be hurt by it... but - how has opening it up gone for others?

I would really love to keep being around my kids - younger one is about to turn 6 - and that was the age of my younger brother when our father left us... Later on my younger brother got into drugs and overdosed - and I'm convinced my father leaving the family was the original sin that led to that outcome. Feels so wrong to take actions that might lead to so a divorce - but this is so hard to endure.

I’ve never once gotten a B. J.

Sex was only for making babies.

She made out with a girl with no one around, not like attention seeking.

I asked her about maybe a threesome with that girl and she invited her to stay at our house (it didn’t happen)

She would always get hit on by girls and just seemed like a different happier person

Whenever I’d catch her on insta looking at hot girls in bathing suits she’d quickly close the tab

Recently joined a church and told me she picked that church because they are pro lgqt

Is just way happier in presence of woman

When I asked her dad to marry her he said something along the lines of I thought this phone call was going to be about you (her) being gay or dating a black guy

Need some perspective here as I’m genuinely at my wits end!!

I have dated my fiancé twice now—the second time has been no different than the first a decade ago.

My fiancé has nearly no sex drive. It’s always been like this. We have sex about once every two weeks, and even then I am dropping major hints that I want him. He doesn’t want me initiating, even if I appear in lingerie— it does nothing for him. After months of long distance, he still wasn’t excited to sleep with me when we were finally together.

Both times we’ve dated, my friends assumed he was either gay or cheating because they said his lack of attraction and affection toward me didnt seem normal. Now that we live together, I don’t think he’s cheating.

He never kisses me more than a peck. The times I’ve asked him to make out, he either says, “Later,” or, once recently, he bit my lip in a very harsh and unsexy way a couple seconds into the kiss. I told him that’s exactly what I’d do if I had to make out with someone I wasn’t attracted to, and he just replied, “Really?”

When we do have sex, it’s almost always from behind unless I push for face-to-face and he’s feeling generous. I eventually realized he strongly prefers one specific position (Asian jockey) that I mostly found discussed in gay porn while trying to figure out whether there was some explanation for his preferences. He’ll see me undressed randomly, shout “naked lady” like a little kid while pointing at me, and then walk out of the room.

He never cuddles before or after sex—he just gets up and goes to clean off. We fight about intimacy constantly, and I’ve explicitly told him things I would like from him. There has been no change. He says I’m hypersexual, perverted, and too needy. I tell him I don’t feel wanted and don’t understand why he’s with me.

I’m really his only adult relationship, although he’s had plenty of hookups. Before me, he had a high school girlfriend who cheated on him. Between the two times we dated, he had what he’d describe as a hoe phase and slept with a lot of women.

I’ve even offered to try anal play on him in the most emotionally intelligent, nonjudgmental way I could, and he immediately said he had zero interest. He denies being gay any time I’ve asked about it. I’ve offered an open relationship to see if it interested him and he was very much against it and insulted I brought it up. He comes from a religious family and is relatively religious himself.

We’re both in our late 20s and are generally considered well above average in attractiveness.

At this point, I genuinely don’t know what to make of any of this. I can’t think of another explanation for why he’s so emotionally and physically distant from me all the time. I don’t understand why he’s with me.

What do you think— Is he gay, avoidant, or is this just a loveless relationship?

My husband, whose sexuality I’m questioning, always has a new pride sticker on his laptop every year. I’ve asked him about it and he says he’s an ally- fair enough. But could it be a way to signal to other gay men that he’s gay? I checked out a few dudes’ laptops at the coffee shop today and no guys in my ultra progressive city have rainbow stickers on their laptops

If anyone remembers, I have been posting for the past month about how my husband came out as trans 5 months ago after lying to me for years and claiming he doesn’t have dysphoria (there were signs which I choose to ignore, that’s a whole other story). He keeps changing his mind, one day he says he doesn’t feel like that anymore, then the next day I will find google searches in his phone for estrogen, testosterone blockers and queer friendly therapists in the area. I snooped through his phone, I’m not proud of it, I haven’t done it once in 4 years of marriage but I was tired of being made a fool. After a lot of heated discussion, crying from both sides, gaslighting, deflecting, I made it clear to him that even if he never decides to officially transition, I am definitely pursuing a divorce in the near future because I am tired of being lied to. I need clarity, stability and safety in my life, and quite frankly, after the whole ordeal, I have lost my attraction to him entirely. We can’t divorce immediately as there is a lot of issues to handle (employment, housing, visa issues etc.) He took it surprisingly well, or he’s just in denial. He still keeps basing his transition decisions on me tho, he’s saying that he will only take the hormones if I stay officially married to him for another year or two, and if I want to divorce immediately, he won’t start the hormones as he will go back to his come country and “doesn’t want to give his family a heart attack when they find out he’s trans” He was perfectly fine lying to me for 5 years tho but I am well past caring. I am exhausted and feel trapped and resentful. I still love him, but im not in love with him anymore. This whole ordeal revealed a lot of shit in this relationship that I bottled up. He’s extremely mentally unstable (my mental health isn’t the best either but I do my best not to treat him as an unpaid therapist). He’s codependent, emotionally manipulative and I’m starting to think he may be a covert narcissist. There is a lot I need to unpack in therapy in order to be able to heal. Most important of all, I need to do the work to heal from my childhood in order to figure out why I keep ignoring obvious red flags in relationships and walking all over my own boundaries and self respect. I’m tired and on the brink of losing my sanity but excited to start a new life without being a therapist for a 32 year old overgrown child who decided to get married and unload all his crap on someone else instead of working on his issues. At this point I don’t even care anymore if he’s actually trans or cross dresser or AGP, all I know is I don’t want this in my life anymore.

I recently found out my husband of 9 years is gay. Long story, but typical - lots of hiding, confessed to being bisexual and cheating on me three years ago, but we worked really hard to get past it, found out a few months ago the cheating never stopped.

This should make me hate him, but I'm just so, so sad. I know he's not really my best friend, because no one treats their best friend this way, but it still feels like I'm losing my favorite person. We are amazing co-parents (we each have two older kids) and want to stay "family" which I know isn't going to happen overnight and maybe won't happen at all. Anyone in a similar boat?

I'm moving away temporarily, so I will have the benefit of space, but I just feel so, so lonely. I miss laughing with him more than anything. Will I have less sadness once I'm a little bit further in the process? Anyone managed to rebuilt an entirely new relationship (friendship) with their gay ex?

I've been lurking on this sub for the last few days, as I believe my fiance is gay. Every now and again I get this gut feeling that he is gay and it makes me go crazy (like I literally can't think of anything else and feel like I'm in a fog) So I really just need to vent to get these thoughts out of my head … 

I've been with my fiance for 14 years and we have two children together (2yo and 4mo). Our children are beautiful and our relationship is good for the most part. I do not want to leave him or plan on leaving him, as I am a SAHM. I do still plan on marrying him to ensure I am protected financially. I am just looking for reassurance that I'm not totally crazy as I have no one else to talk to about this.

My fiance and I have always been (at the very least) sexually incompatible. As others have mentioned on this sub, sex usually feels robotic, lacks passion, spontaneity and is the same every time. My fiance has made it very clear (without saying it bluntly) that he prefers oral sex (BJs) to vaginal sex.  

It all started on our first christmas together, he bought me flavored lube and throat numbing spray for BJs (in addition to jewelry), but I couldn't help to think what an odd selfish gift that was. Now, he expects to get a BJ every time before we have sex to help get hard and stay hard. This expectation has made me just not want to have sex anymore as it feels more like a chore than a bonding experience. If I shave he will go down on me too, but I honestly just prefer regular passionate sex which I've come to realize is never going to be a reality. There have been a few rare times that sex has been passionate. However, it often feels like his head is somewhere else and the connection just isn't there. 

He claims his  issues with sex started when he was raped by his high school GF. (she got onto him after giving a bj) He claimed he wanted to save himself for another girl or marriage. 

A year after we started dating, his former best friend told me that my fiance received a BJ from a gay guy in middle / HS. My fiance went to an all boy catholic school and claimed this was a fake rumor that caused a lot of bullying for him. I couldn't help but sympathize, knowing how tough that must have been to deal with everybody calling you gay at an all boys school. Especially having been bullied myself in middle school, I felt for him. Also, his friend that told me this was “in love” with me and wanted me to leave him so I thought he was just making it up. 

(For the record, I had asked him several times if he was gay and has always said no.)

For years, my fiance was still friendly with that guy who was “rumored” to have given him a bj. And a few years later that same guy sent my fiance a screen shot of a gay porno, because it contained a “straight” guy we all knew and were friends with doing BDSM gay porn. My fiance showed me the photo, and chats with them. I thought it was weird but kind of understood why it happened, as it's good gossip. 

However, 10 years into our relationship I felt that something was still off, so I spent a day going through his Google account. I found old text messages from 2012- 2013 (when we started dating) … He was still in contact with 2 of his ex gfs, but more shockingly I saw a text from an old coworker he had (that was gay) asking to give him a BJ. My fiance said “haha you know i love a bj, but I really love my gf and dont want to ruin our relationship”. He also had photos of girls (exs, girls we know fb photos and porn)  in secured Google photo folder. 

Later on that day I confronted him, he admitted that he did in fact receive a BJ from that guy in HS when he was 14 years old, but said he did nothing with another guy after that. He said the bullying really affected him and he struggled to ‘convince himself’ he wasn't gay after that. He was very upset I went through his phone and changed all of his passwords after that. 

Then 6 months after my son was born a random guy messaged him on Snapchat and started hitting on him. Instead of not responding, he just entertained it. Also weird. 

He seems to only watch hetero bj / anal porn, and his kink is face fing. I have never seen any gay porn on his phone of laptop (besides the video showing his friend). 

I don't want to hold something against him that happened when he was 14 years old, but idk it just feels off. 

I know he's not cheating … He doesn't go to the gym, doesn't stay up late, go out alone with his friends and I always have his location. If im not with him, hes watching the kids. I check his phone when I can and never see anything odd. I also check all the dating apps just in case. 

Ive decided I'm not giving him anymore BJ's because it makes me uncomfortable that he might be thinking about a man doing it. Im not saying it like that to him, just that im not doing anymore BJs because my effort hasn't been matched. So well see where that goes. 

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent…