Just Found Out Straight Husband Used Anonymous Apps For Gay Sexual Exchanges & Says He’s Bi
I’m mainly looking for empathy and validation and for anyone who’s experienced something similar to chime in about their experience.
I (34f) woke up last night to my husband (34f) telling me he was sick. We’ve been together for going on 4 years, married for 1. He has stomach issues we’ve worked on resolving, so I assumed that’s what he meant. Turns out he’d received sextortion texts from someone he’d given nude photos of himself to on an anonymous app and he was having a panic attack. The individual had threatened to tell me, and my husband’s family, about the exchange unless my husband gave him money. Luckily my husband did not give in to the demands, but he did frantically plead with the individual not to share his photos and information about his participation in these exchanges prior to blocking the number and waking me up.
I sat him down, had him drink some water, and told him to take his time telling me what was going on. He said he’s never told anyone, but he’s bi. I said okay and told him he could share whatever he’d like about that. I added some levity by saying “It’s 2026, Babe, you can be attracted to squid if you want. It’s okay.” I did express what isn’t okay is sharing nudes over the internet in 2026, because it’s too dangerous. That, and we didn’t discuss that sharing nudes with others outside of our relationship is okay. Which, to me, it isn’t.
I think he learned a hard lesson, but he was honest in the moment. I’ll let him tell me, in his time, more about his bisexuality, and I accept that about him. It’s new to me, so I’m still processing, but I don’t harshly judge him for what turns him on. I’m not like that.
What has me nearly gagging at work is the thought of him sneakily going outside of our bond, without first discussing, and seeking this sexual experience with strangers online. I get the allure, I myself used chat rooms back in the day, but my confidence in myself and in the relationship, and in him, has taken a hit. The trust will take time to build back up, and though I’m partially curious and excited to see how to incorporate this into our sexual relationship, I’m also now worried about him needing an element of risk in his personal sexual life. I’m (naturally) worried he’ll hide other things. I’m honored and appreciative of him immediately coming to me when this all happened, but I doubt I would have known had the sexploitation not happened. And that worries and bothers me. I pride myself in being a safe space and a validating and supportive presence, so for him to hide things from me, though I cognitively understand it says more about his ability to trust than my trustworthiness, makes me in turn feel disrespected and hurt.
We’re building a house together and going through harassment charges with his brother (my brother-in-law), so this on top of it has me super discouraged and rather heart broken. My husband has always been very kind, warm, and passionate with me. I’m not worried that he doesn’t find me attractive, I know he does. I hope he knows how attracted I am to him. Yet, he obviously is seeking sexual validation and connection with others, even if it’s “just” (who knows, right?) photos and chatting on apps. So, he likely has some healing to do, or at least some clarification owed to me for what fulfills him. I don’t expect to be the only thing that can turn him on, we all have our Things (fetishes, arousal material, etc.), but I do expect that he open to me, considering we’ve chosen each other as lifelong partners and confidants. I just feel blindsided and hurt. I see from perusing Reddit that it’s not uncommon that a husband is bi or bi-curious or closeted in some way, and that bums me out for the men, but also provides a little relief for my personal anguish. Sexuality isn’t something that fits in a box, and I wish society didn’t frown upon openness and exploring what feels good (even if it doesn’t look like the mainstream idea of what feels good).
I just wish he’d been honest sooner.
Part of me worries that something happened to him in the past that caused him some trauma. Not to say that anyone who is bi etc is traumatized, just the fact he seems so ashamed of it, and is definitely a masculine man attracted to the female form and outwardly appears uncomfortable regarding gay kissing or seeing dude’s butts or junk in movies, etc leads me to believe that he seeks these experiences out of a potentially not-entirely-healthy shame or kink-seeking reason.
Thoughts? Prayers? Any idea on how I can grapple with this? Am I silly for staying with him? Do we think this will escalate into full on sexual cheating? Should I be concerned he didn’t trust me? What have y’all experienced?