u/Standard_Permit_6884

I feel super betrayed and hurt right now by my two best friends. My husband came out to me in the beginning of June. I have two best friends who I’ve been talking to and relying on for a lot of emotional support. I was chatting with them just now and one said “it was always a running joke in our house that he was gay.” And “no one was surprised when he came out” And I was like WTH… it was a fucking JOKE?? So I screenshot and sent to my other best friend and she responds with “she’s not wrong. He was too neat to not be gay.”

I don’t know how to respond to ANY of this. It’s so fucked up imo. I’ve never thought that about anyone’s spouse before. Hell I don’t think I’ve even talked about anyone’s spouse to my spouse in any similar type of conversation before… I don’t think I can talk to either of them ever again. And the worst part is, that once he’s fully out, it’s just going to get fucking worse. I’m never going to be able to get away from any of this.

Normally I would say “no” don’t out them, but this is a unique and layered situation.

Long story short, my (40F) husband (40M) of 15+ years came out to me 2+ months ago. And it wasn’t a “later in life” gay type situation, it was an “I’ve been gay and lying to you the whole time” situation. On top of that, he was either having an emotional affair or moved on immediately emotionally with this man. Before he came out to me, I found a love letter from this man, and his words were “I can’t lose him.”

I was prepared to try to make our marriage work for our kids (16 & 14). But every major fight we have had since then was because he was still considering this man before all else. He moved out of the bedroom after I told him he needed to cut him out. I kicked him out of the house after I found out he was planning to see him on a work trip (when he previously told me he wouldn’t be there).

To make matters even more layered, he’s in the military, in an important position, and doesn’t want to come out because he thinks it will cause gossip and become a distraction. He also still feels a lot of shame for being gay.

I feel a lot of empathy for him, and early on I bent myself into a pretzel trying to turn our marriage into just a friendship or a “lavender” marriage, all while he was moving on with this other man. Only a few weeks after coming out he started on PrEP, so his actions tell me he’s ready to move on physically with someone. I’m only just now coming to terms with all of this, let alone being a single woman again after being in a marriage I desperate wanted and continuously tried to save over the last 20 years. My friends have always told me that I loved him a lot more than he loved me. So, I fully admit I am a woman scorned here, and maybe not thinking with my full emotional deck. I was incredibly sad for the first 6 weeks, started antidepressants and anxiety medication, and eventually ended up in a mental ward for a few nights after I kicked him out.

Now that I’m doing much better, and adjusting to life as a single mom, I’m ready to tell people that we’re separated. I get comments from folks all the time asking how he is, how he’s liking the new job, etc. and I’m tired of it already. I feel like I have to hide and lie to people that I don’t want to hide or lie from.

He doesn’t want me to announce our separation because he feels people will ask too many questions and I will out him, which he said (and I quote) “that’s not fair.”

My therapist says I’m completely allowed to tell people the truth. My friends (including an in law) all agree that I am allowed to tell the truth. I feel like there will be a very select few people (who I know will keep it a secret) I will tell the full truth to, but the rest will get the standard “that’s private.” I’ve even come up with a few outlandish & funny stories to distract people (ie: we were in witness protection and our assignment is complete, a psychic told me that we had been married and divorced in 4 past lives and at some point you just have to respect the data, he joined a cult that he insisted was not a cult but I disagreed with that assessment, he became the president of our HOA and I couldn’t live with that kind of a monster anymore… the list goes on and on).

I feel conflicted. I don’t want to out him, because I feel like that would make me a terrible person. But I also am not okay living life as if we’re still married when he lives in a completely different place and treats me like an ex. I’m ready to tell people we’ve split, we’re co-parenting, and it’s a private matter. He is not okay with that at all, and becomes visible upset every time I bring it up. I’ve told him I will give him time to tell a select few friends he wants to tell first, but I’m not waiting forever.

So, TLDR: Am I wrong for telling people we’re separated, possibly outing him in the process?

Okay this is going to be a long one…

I’ve (early 40s) been married 15+ years to my husband (early 40s) who’s in the military. We have two teenage children, About 8 weeks ago, he came out to me, not as a “later in life” gay but a “I’ve been gay the whole time” gay. Naturally, these revelations come with a lot of emotions… at first it was relief and wanting to be supportive, then it was hurt and confusion, and a lot of grief. All of this also happened during a major international move to a new base, where we’re both left with no friends nearby. Normally in these situations we would lean on each other and hang out… but now I’m not sure if that’s the best course of action (more on this later).

As time has gone on, I’ve come to realize through discussions and allowing the cloud of initial trauma to die down… he’s been forming a relationship with another man for the past 6 months. This relationship became much more intense the day after he came out to me. This man and my husband still talk (I assume) daily, because he says that this man means “a great deal” to him… and he has put him and I on the same level, basically.

I have asked him repeatedly to cut the man out and focus on repairing any thing we might have… a friendship, work on co parenting, work on being a good parent (yesterday was our daughters birthday and he absentmindedly ate her take out while she was setting up a new aquarium, and while he showed remorse he made no effort to make amends). Given his military position, we have to live together and present as a married couple, until he fully comes out. He’s come out to close family and just 2 friends (the affair partner and another coworker). He has not come out to his dad and brother yet, as they will probably cut him out.

Husband has started therapy and was told he has an emotionally avoidant personality.

I’ve started therapy and basically just downloaded everything so far. No diagnosis other than MDD & GAD. I’m not sure of my emotional personality type.. I tend to feel everything and expect others to feel the same.

I now understand that my husband (it feels weird to call him that still) has had 6+ months in addition to the 8 weeks to process all of this, whereas I have only had the 8 weeks. He’s buying new clothes, trying out a new “style,” and moving on. And I feel stuck, reviewing the past, and alone.

What do I do? How do I communicate with him to build some semblance of a friendship/relationship so we can coparent and live together. How do I move on while living with a man who I now see as completely self centered and honestly just mean? Do I continue to spend time with him to hopefully encourage forward movement and positive communication, or do I spend time with myself, working on myself? He wants to go shopping today… do I go help him pick out clothes for his next life (and maybe buy a few things for myself?) or do I just do things on my own?

This situation is so insane. I’m exhausted thinking for myself. Someone else think for me for a while please 😅

Hello, long time listener, first time caller. Not LGBTQ myself, but an adjacent ally.

Long story short, almost 8 weeks ago my husband of 15+ years came out to me as gay. Not a “later in life gay,” but “gay the whole time” gay. We have two teenagers, one who’s Catholic and one who is not at all. My husband (not sure what else to call him?) is also not Catholic, but was raised Lutheran.

I returned to Catholicism about 2.5 years ago and my faith was STRONG. Attended weekly and often daily mass, taught Sunday school, trained altar servers, ran women’s bible studies, and volunteered as sacristan. The last 8 weeks my faith has been weak. I still attend weekly mass, and occasionally daily mass, but I don’t pray daily, don’t do the daily readings, and don’t think very highly of God/God’s teachings right now. A lot of the patriarchal standards of “boys don’t like boys” and “you have to be the man of the house” were the standard things he heard growing up, and that in part pushed him into the closet and justified his need to “fake it” in a heterosexual marriage.

How do I bring my strong faith back, while simultaneously being “stuck” in a MOM for the next 2-3 years, AND now wrestling with the church’s stance on homosexuality in a much more personal level (as a liberal, I struggled with it before, but now I feel first hand the destructive outcomes that its doctrine and historical practices can have, if that makes sense)? I don’t really want to date, so no struggle there yet, and I know an annulment will be lengthy but pretty cut and dry if I ever want to remarry in the church. But I would like to start talking to other men because man, it’s lonely being married to a gay man 😂😭. I can’t be completely open in my parish, because my husband is well known and not out… so attending a women’s bible study is going to be interesting… and (most importantly) how do I help and support my husband through this transitional growth period without sacrificing my own emotional health as well?

Any help and suggestions would be greatly appreciated 🙏

I applied for a job last week & had an initial interview yesterday that I think went really well. He mentioned a second interview this week, and I added my availability in the follow up/thank you email I sent.

The listing was for 90k-110k. Senior administrative specialist, Boston Area. I have 10+ years of similar and/or relevant experience, a masters degree, and while I will need to learn a new program, I’m a quick study and don’t think it will be much of an issue.

Personally, I’m eventually getting divorced in the next 2ish years, so I need to think about setting myself up for a new future alone. Chat GPT says I should ask for 110k 🤣. But during the interview, he asked and I said I wasn’t sure yet, but I do know my worth and experience is a bit more than the minimum, and we talked about leaving room for growth/raises. I was thinking somewhere in the 95k-100k range, hoping for 98k? I’m not used to asking for a salary, because my previous jobs were military/GS, so this is all new to me.

TIA!

My spouse came out to me almost 6 weeks ago. I’ve made and deleted a few accounts on tinder, catholic match, flure, etc. and made a hinge account this morning.

Ngl I’ve felt so alone in our marriage for the last 4 years at least. Part of me is destroyed by his betrayal and waiting for therapy referrals that are taking forever. But the other part of me is ready to just move on and find someone else to talk to. Nothing serious, just a friend.

How long did you wait before getting on the apps?

I’m early 40s/F 100% p&t veteran due to MST. A month ago my husband came out to me as gay. I suspect he’s been having an emotional affair with someone. He was never going to tell me. I found a gift from the friend, and today found pictures and screenshots suggesting they’re “in love.”

My life is ending and it feels like he’s “winning”… his new life has already begun. He has this bright future and new love to look forward to. I gave up everything for him. I supported him. I was his biggest cheerleader. And he knew the whole time we were married that he was gay and I feel like he let me believe I was why our marriage felt so disconnected and I felt so alone. We have kids together. We haven’t told anyone outside the friend (who I obviously never talk to) and two other friends. He wants to wait to start couples counseling before we start telling people (to include family & kids)

I just need someone to talk to… a lot. I did a walk in last week at the VA and they’re setting up referrals for me and couples counseling for us, but it feels like it’s taking forever. I called the crisis line this morning. I’m not suicidal, but I’m just so sad and feel so alone all the time. I have no friends I can talk to about this. We just moved to a new area and I’m without a car most of the day, so I’m left with my thoughts and they’re fk’ing killing me. I feel like I’m never going to be happy again.

Hello! Really unique situation here. I was born catholic, went away from the faith for a while, but really came back hard about 3 years ago. My teen daughter also became Catholic within the last three years. My husband is Lutheran & teen son was baptized after birth but doesn’t practice anything.

About 4 weeks ago, my husband of 15+ years came out to me as gay. This sent my faith into a tailspin. There was no cheating, no scandal, just born gay and suppressed it. He tried to do what he thought was the right thing, and we had a decent enough marriage that produced 3 children (1 ended in a miscarriage early on). I’m sad, hurt, and grieving, but I don’t hate him. We’re in the process of moving, so we’re kind of in a holding pattern until we get to our next place, but we plan to start therapy to see what our futures will look like (do we stay married and “lavender” for.. ever? do we separate but stay married? do we get divorced right away, etc).

Attending daily and weekend mass has helped reorient my response from one of anger and hate to one of love and compassion. He struggled for so long and I do love him. Yes, he absolutely needs to atone for the problems he caused in our lives, but he doesn’t deserve to be punished for his sexual orientation. While mass has helped, I still can’t wrap my head around how to be a part of a church that would condemn us both to a life of celibacy? I don’t even know what the church’s stance would be on all of this. Would I be eligible for an annulment?

Should I keep my faith surface level from now on? Do I still pursue a deep connection to the church? I don’t know how to do that second one anymore. I’ve talked to my priest but only vaguely (I don’t want to out my husband to people he has to see regularly). We are moving to a heavily Catholic area, so I will be able to find a lot of priests and churches to attend or seek out guidance from… but in the meantime I’m hoping to get guidance from the online crowd, for better or for worse haha.