r/LGBTCatholic

Let me explain:

Prior to living as a woman, I was an extremely unhappy and angry man who constantly forced themself to be masculine. It was both transparent and toxic, and it was unpleasant for those around me who could see my egg begging to crack before I could.

I was also a militant atheist for most of that time, tho it was more like an "anti-christian," because I had played with a number of different religious beliefs and systems, both theistic and nontheistic, as I tried to find meaning and purpose in a world I once thought was inherently devoid of both. At this time, I was even involved with the Church of Satan, the LaVeyan one. Had a red card and everything.

For transparency, I have BPD, a.k.a. Borderline Personality Disorder, and my father, Jimmy, who is a horrible human being, a heathen, the one who first introduced me to The Satanic Bible at the age of 9, who was one of the primary sources of my child abuse trauma, and is overall an absolutely ignorant, hateful, bigoted POS... was my FP, a.k.a. "Favorite Person." If you know what that term means in the context of BPD, then you understand why this was so problematic.

I did everything I could to emulate and be like him, to seek his recognition, approval, and admiration, and to completely look past and disregard any of his shortcomings or personal defects, because my emotional regulation and sense of self was literally tied to him. This was my life for my first 27 years.

And throughout that time, I struggled to consolidate my own identity: my likes, dislikes, desires, boundaries, tastes, style, aesthetic, body mods, attitude, behavior, sexuality, gender identity, beliefs, etc. (Hell, my romantic tastes in men today are even still directly influenced by him, as I am especially into men that share a similar appearance to him: shaved head, goatee, thick rimmed square glasses, tattoos, piercings, dresses basically look like they work at Hot Topic or stand right in front of the stage at underground metal shows, despite the man currently being about to turn 60 years old), because if these traits were in conflict with what he was or would approve of, I felt a severe phobia of abandonment and rejection if I embraced something about myself that differed to him, so I was extremely unstable for my entire life because who I was literally depended on him.

When he disowned me five years ago for being transgender, as this was something I could no longer deny or repress, I experienced a severe identity crisis beyond description, because my FP just forcibly removed me from their life, and them from mine. The actual source of who Baby is, her entire sense of herself, and everything that came with it, was suddenly, and completely, disconnected. My emotional stability for 27 years had been entirely reliant on this man, and all of a sudden he was gone and was never coming back. ...so I had a mental breakdown of apocalyptic proportions, and the only reason I wasn't psychiatrically hospitalized at the time is because I couldn't afford it.

At this time, in a very short period of time, so many things happened or occurred in the most horribly perfect synchronicity: I was severely manic, I had a near-death experience from an illness, my mother had a heart attack, I lost all my IRL friends over a misunderstanding that was worsened by my at-present mental instability, I was extremely stressed out about a gender discrimination lawsuit I had filed against my employer at the time and felt like I couldn't post on social media (lest they try to find dirt on me from my content so I was also incredibly isolated), and my therapist had dropped me because A.) one of the people in that friend group who I fell out with was also a patient of hers, which presented a conflict of interest, and B.) my mental state had become too much for her to be able to manage or assist with. Her words, not mine.

At the end of it, I ended up having my own heart attack-like event in the middle of the boardroom at work, and I had to be loaded into an ambulance. It thankfully turned out to be just a massive anxiety attack, but in the end it actually caused me to experience a DID-esque split, where I had 5 different persons/alters in my head. This lasted for a few months and thankfully as things improved and I started to stabilize, they all went dormant and now it's only me in here for now.

And in the ashes of this trial by fire, I rose like a phoenix. I began to learn and figure out who I actually am without his influence, be it direct or indirect. I started to realize little things. Like my favorite color being pink instead of black (still love black tho). I discovered I liked some music that was different to his tastes (still primarily a metalhead tho). I liked wearing clothes in different styles and colors that weren't just black and weren't just coordinated around band tees. I discovered my name because with all the names I tried before to find one for myself in my transition, I kept going with one starting with J (Jessica, Joëlle), just like my [deadname], because on my father's side it's a family tradition to name the first born with a first name starting with J, especially if they were male, and it goes back centuries. I was realizing that I am, and have always been, my own person, not just a carbon copy of Jimmy, and I didn't have to be his acolyte anymore.

Years later, as my health, physical and mental, continued to deteriorate, especially from my ME, I had an epiphany in my grief and suffering: I am not my own higher power. I am not my own god. I am a humbled creature. And I cannot do this alone... And that was the realization that His Arms had been open to me the whole time. God never left. I did. I had simply refused to see Him. To reach for Him. And so I did. I've since had an experience I can only explain and describe as "miraculous" involving an apparition of the Virgin Mary and the Real Presence of the Holy Spirit when I prayed the Rosary the first time. This has only further affirmed my faith, and made me more secure in my decision to embrace the idea of God. As a lifelong atheist, I still struggle with a lot of faith-based concepts, but I'm also still learning and I'm going into it all with an open mind, heart, and spirit.

In summary, I had to experience a literal ego death through the forcible disconnection from my Favorite Person, and a harrowing disownment by my own father, the hero of my life, who for so long could do no wrong in my eyes, in order for my mind to even be opened enough to allow myself to accept God. Because until age 27, Baby's mind, even as a trans woman, might as well have been an extension of Jimmy's, and any attempt to differ from that unspoken rule led to EXTREME levels of instability and distress.

I literally publicly flip-flopped back and forth on my sexuality for my entire childhood and adolescence (I know now that I'm omniromantic asexual), because I would try to give myself the label I needed for my OCD to be satisfied in terms of my awareness of self, but if it potentially differed from what he would approve of, then it would create massive dissonance and I would go back and forth, as Baby unknowingly was fighting for control of her own brain and identity.

I REFUSE to believe that God doesn't want me to be trans, and to not embrace my intersex status (I have De la Chappelle Syndrome, meaning I was AMAB but I have an XX chromosome. It is caused by a genetic error during cell division in a parent. The SRY gene from the father's Y chromosome moves onto an X chromosome. When this modified X chromosome joins a normal X chromosome, the child develops male traits despite having an XX karyotype. That's not even getting into the effect it has on development, especially puberty.)

I refuse to believe this isn't the path He wanted for me— Because He knows, in His Infinite Wisdom, that without a break-off from my abusive attachment to my father, I would have never even acknowledged Him, and I would continue to be Jimmy's little BPD shadow. I would have been him. Not me. God truly is good, all the time.

This is what I mean when I say that I never would have been able to find Christ if I hadn't come out as trans. And I will never be convinced otherwise. 🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

I'm divided on whether or how to go to confession. My background is I'm a gay 40-something marriage gay man with two kids, and the church I go to in NYC is fine with LGBTQ people as far as I can tell (my kids were baptized without any issue, etc.).

The problem isn't the parish, it's the wider Church and how I'm supposed to fit into it. Showing up at Mass lets a lot of stuff stay implicit. Confession forces it to be explicit. My understanding of the theory is that you confess everything the Church counts as sin and get a full reset. I can't confess on those terms. At minimum I think the sex I have inside my own marriage is fine, and honestly I think much of the sex I had outside marriage before that was fine too.

So what do I even do with that? Do I tell the priest up front, look, there's other stuff the Church would call sin but I don't agree, so this is a partial confession under your rules? Is he even allowed to work with that? Do I spell out what I'm counting as wrong and not wrong, or leave it vague and let him assume whatever he assumes? I don't know. Curious what other people here actually do. To be clear, it's not like I did something particularly wrong, but I just feel like it'd be good to periodically go to confession and I just don't have a workable way of doing so.

My sense is the best way to do this is just confess the stuff I actually feel bad about and leave the rest out completely. At its most fundamental level, confession is for what your conscience tells you is a sin. If I don't think it's something I really need to confess, there's no reason to make a whole announcement about leaving it out. Fine, maybe a conservative views it as an invalid confession; but it's the closest workable solution I can think of.

Hello everyone. Over the past few months, I have been actively researching and thinking about the Church's stance on homosexuality and the discussions on this subreddit have helped me a lot.

One point that is often made here without much further elaboration is that Side-B is just more therapeutic Side X/Y and although I can kind of assume how people get to this argument, I feel like there isn't really a proper, fleshed out explanation for it. I think the biggest evidence for it, honestly, is that all Side-B gay Christians/Catholics I see online (and one I met irl) all seem miserable or ashamed in some way - but that is just my observation. The fact that Side-B opposes conversion therapy or "pray the gay away" efforts, that it is fine with using LGBT terminology usually, and especially that it encourages celibate partnerships, makes it leagues better than Side X/Y. The way I see it as well, one could make the argument for celibate vocations without describing homosexual orientation as "objectively disordered," (which I don't think is the case at all) though that is my perspective - not a commonly espouses Side-B point.

So, for Side-A Catholics on here who make the critique that B, X and Y are basically the same, are there any more arguments? I feel like I am in a weird in-between spot between Side A and B currently, so it would be greatly helpful and it would be advantageous to more deeply develop this critique.

I believe that my homosexual desires are disordered, I and other SSA people or TQ+ people are not disordered people. We are all made in the image of God with bodies inherently worthy of dignity.

If there are people who, when “born again” or having received an evangelical style deliverance, no longer had homosexual inclinations… why should I stay in a Christian denomination that condemns me for it, but also doesn’t show evidence of people being able to no longer have their homosexual desires?

I've felt curious about Catholicism for a bit now. It's my mom's family's religion, and she recently passed away. My partner is skeptical about organized religion in general, but has recently been supportive about me poking around at things and potentially going through OCIA later down the line.

My main concerns are how my queer experiences would be received in the church. I've identified as bisexual/lesbian in the past and have been in same-sex relationships. I also lived as a trans man for about 6 years of my life, 4 of which I was on testosterone. I've since detransitioned and *think* I'm straight, but these experiences still encompass about half my life and I'm not keen on being told to repent over them.

If I do pursue this, I'd be doing so at the church that did my mom's last rites, which is locally known for being pretty lefty. Not sure what that means as far as Catholic churches go, though.

How do you deal?

I had a group of friends, some I knew since childhood, stopped hanging out with me after I came out at 19. I think they always suspected it based off of some jokes and jabs they made.

I tried reintegrating with them about a couple years later during quarantine, (because they went to college and realized SSA people aren’t devils is my guess) but I felt like an outsider in tthe group in some ways in a similar way.

My best friend was in that group (she still talked with me when the whole group stopped hanging out with me) but then I left the group a second time when I felt like an outsider. Then my best friend seemed to be hurt and barely talks with me now.

The whole experience honestly has been so distressing. One gal from that friend group was part of the process of me coming to Jesus, even if she had been ignorant. Yes I am in therapy lol

I

Hi all,

Gay Catholic man here and I think I've always struggled with the Church's teachings on homosexuality. I grew up in the Church and Catholic school and all that. Looking to connect with other gay Catholics for conversation and support.

I find myself conflicted on accepting the Church teaching but also being a gay man and having gay relationships and sex. Anyhow, seems like this sub might have other men in the same situation.

I’m married (same-sex) to a man that was baptized as a baby and has been Catholic all of his life. I have been attending mass with him for the past few months. The parish that we have been going to is part of a cluster that is on the new ways ministry website.

My husband is from another city so we are both new to this parish.

Does anyone have any advice for how to approach my situation with the OCIA Director and clergy? Things to avoid saying? How open to be? When to broach the subject of my relationship? What to expect?

Hi everyone! How are you doing? I’d like to know what Catholic women/girls think about Catholic men who are bisexual. Specifically, whether or not they would date a man like that...

Basically I consider myself bi and talk to my friends about pretty normally, point out boys I think are cute and they even try setting me up with some guys and girls from time to time. But I decided to stop having anything romantic with boys recently, and since none of my friends are really religious I'm afraid they won't get and it may lead then further away from the church, should I just try to explain it to them or just keep it as it is and just don't date man? There is a part of me that doesn't want to tell in case I ever fall i to temptation and end up making out with a boy, so they would judge me for not keeping it or something. I'm kinda lost and don't really know what to do

I would love some insight and advice. I am very early on in my journey in the grand scheme, but terribly scared.

I grew up in a hippie Unitarian household, my extended family is mostly Catholic. I've always considered myself spiritual, but an experience when I was young where an Evangelical family member harmed me and proclaimed I was sent by the devil drove me as far from any church, as I assumed they'd view me the same. I am FTM trans and bisexual, married to a man, and raising a kid. It's been a hard time getting to a decent place in life, surviving a home rife with addiction and DV that ended in suicide, surviving a partner that attempted my life, now struggling with the economy and world as it is, etc. A nagging voice in my head, still to this day over two decades later, says I truly am damned.

I got truly interested in Catholicism in part because I have a appreciation of it's history and the saints, but over the years that grew into a genuine yearning. So here I am now. I want to find comfort and embrace God, but it's difficult to feel like He wants me after all of this. I felt so at peace and relieved to tears when I attended my first mass and visited a shrine, but I am so terribly scared that it will not "click" for me or that I will unwelcomed if I become anything more than a stranger in the back pew.

That’s it, really. I already pray the Rosary, but it’s a bit lonely doing it all on one’s own, so I wondered if anybody else would like to join me in doing it. I haven’t got any of the practicalities worked out because I thought that they could be discussed if and when anybody else was interested in doing this. I will leave my email address so that if anybody is interested, they can get in touch: jim09642@gmail.com

I hope that this post is totally okay with the mods. If it’s not, and it is struck down, no harm is done.

I'm not against the Latin Mass. But I do find the Cardinal's proposal of letting the Magisterium's restrictions on it whither away unenforced to be a fascinating double-standard. "I do not know a more precise definition of cafeteria Catholicism than this: selective, undeclared non-observance of a magisterial act one finds unwelcome, defended by a churchman who elsewhere insists that doctrine and discipline alike must never simply be allowed to drift by popular sentiment. If a bishops’ conference proposed managing an unwelcome moral teaching by simply declining to preach it until it faded from memory, Cardinal Sarah would rightly call it what it is. He does not extend to himself the same scrutiny."

I'm a bisexual left-leaning cradle Catholic. Recently I've begun to feel tired of dealing with Catholicism's regressive tendencies and having to explain them away to others, so I've been feeling a pull towards the Episcopal Church. Since I'm considering jumping ship, I wanna hear the stories from the other direction. What made you decide to join the Catholic Church despite the issues it has? Did you have any horror stories in the process of conversion (like having to swear to follow all Catholic teaching without question) or was it smooth? Would you say sticking with it is a good idea?

Does anyone know where I can find a queer church? I’m trying to find a church lead by queers. I would love to find a queer church of all ages.

I’m struggling with whether to stay in the Episcopal Church or go fully Catholic. When I travel, I like going to Catholic churches because I know that there will be a huge crowd of people (no one is really going to talk to me besides maybe, “Have a great week!”), the hymnody is going to be beautiful (Growing up Disciples of Christ, I grew up with the best Protestant hymns and the best Vatican II OCP classics), and I’m going to get a full Gospel centered message and not some new age, vague Ted Talk about embracing your identity yadayadayada…

I have backed myself into a corner recently. I was approved by my Episcopal diocese to start the discernment process. I was frustrated with my church, and I’ve already attended the Catholic church in town off and on. I started going to Catholic Mass before Episcopal Mass. I never receive in a Roman Catholic church because it would be lying (admittedly I received a few times in college when I thought I would rebel).

But on Facebook I saw a flyer for a “Why Be Catholic?” session. I decided to go because I thought it would just be some kind of low stakes question and discussion type thing. It even said no commitment necessary. It’s actually what the parish calls OCIA. I was given schedules, an intake form, a missal, a subscription to “Formed”, a catechism book. The catechist very explicitly said if you disagree with anything in the catechism, you can’t be Catholic. I sat down with the catechist one on one. I sat down with the pastor one on one. I admitted my sexuality and that I would struggle to stay celibate. Now I’m afraid that if I don’t confess to all the gay sex that I’ve had at my first confession, I’ll be denied entry into the Church by the priest. But if I confess to it for lip service and hop on Grindr after the Easter Vigil, then I am a shameful subhuman liar. But the priest did give me some good advice which was that since I was struggling with whether to start OCIA or not, I should probably pause the discernment process.

I decided that the next day, I would rip the bandages off. I texted my “Pilgrims” group (It’s basically a catechetical community specific to my church) that I needed to pause the discernment process, and one reason was that I had been splitting my time at the Catholic church. And then when my priest texted me (I know I should’ve manned up and called, but I was at work) saying that he had all kinds of ideas for how I could serve as laity (continuing to be an altar boy, preaching the homily occasionally, resurrecting a youth ministry) I basically told him that I was needing to take a step back from the parish because of theological and political problems.

Now my bishop has agreed to meet with me about my qualms with my current church. He is a former Catholic (as is my current priest), so I know he will be offended if I say that I started OCIA. Or maybe he can provide insight on why I’m feeling this draw. Anyway, I’m definitely nervous about this, but also blessed that the bishop has agreed to meet with me!

But I’m kind of interested in completing OCIA and going to the young adult group at the Catholic Church because right now I don’t have many friends my age, and I feel like if I have to just avoid talking about being gay, that might be worth it to make some social connections with people my age. And I’ve seen at least one gay couple at the parish (they’re sides on Grindr, if that makes any difference to living out their call to celibacy), so maybe outside of the catechist and the pastor, I would be more or less accepted for being non celibate.

Wow, this has devolved into way more than what I initially intended to share. My main question is, “For those of you gay Catholics who have sexual partners, why stay Catholic? Why not become an Episcopalian where you can freely talk to your priest about sexual experiences and relationships?” I’m not trying to sway anyone. I just want to hear your perspective (maybe some guidance for going forth in this situation).

I have a few last minute things: I don’t want to burn a bridge with my current Episcopal priest or my parish. Maybe I already have by bringing my concerns to the bishop. But also, I feel like if all is naught to me but Christ, then even burning the bridge will be worth it for voicing my genuine concerns for liturgical abuses (I will link a previous post in the comments for context). Also, I feel like if I drop out of OCIA, the pastor will only begrudgingly shake my hand after Mass and I certainly won’t be invited to the young adult group. Ugh this is so hard.

TLDR: Since gay people are officially not allowed to have sex in the Roman Catholic Church, but they can in the Episcopal Church, why do you all stay Roman Catholic?

Can a relationship work when someone’s family doesn’t accept their same-sex relationship?

I’m looking for perspectives from people who have dealt with religious or otherwise unaccepting family members while in a same-sex relationship.

Someone I love has struggled with feeling like having a future with a same-sex partner could mean losing or seriously damaging relationships with family. Family is extremely important to them, so it can feel like an impossible choice.

I don’t think anyone should have to abandon their family for a partner, but I also wonder whether it really has to be one or the other. Is it realistic to maintain relationships with family members who don’t fully accept your relationship while setting enough boundaries to still have a healthy life with your partner?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have actually been through this. Did your family eventually become more accepting? Did boundaries make it possible to have both? Did therapy help you navigate the guilt or pressure? Or did you ultimately have to choose?

I care deeply about this person and it’s difficult accepting that love might not be enough when family acceptance is involved. I’d really appreciate hearing how other people have navigated it.

Hi everyone! I wanted to make this post to see if anyone here has any feedback for me. I’m a 26 year old guy living in East TN. I have one more semester left to finish my bachelors, work a job I hate, live with my parents currently, and am in the process of getting my life back on track after opioid addiction took over my life during college.

I went to catholic school as a kid and really felt connected to the sacraments and teachings of the church. I was always an eccentric kid, and after transferring to catholic school from public school I felt like I was in a truly loving environment. Some of my best childhood memories and connections come from that time. My school truly accepted me.

I say all this to say, I am having somewhat of a faith crisis. I’ve always considered myself an atheist/agnostic but still somewhat “spiritual.” To be completely honest, the reason I have reservations about the church primarily comes down to my identity as a gay man. I know it may be surprising I’m even here. I am not looking for conversion therapy. I have known I was gay (or at minimum bisexual) since I was a child.

I cannot, and will not believe that God created me this way, only to condemn me to hell if I refuse to abstain from finding love. Can someone walk me through this? Like I said, I’m not looking for conversion therapy, but something is about Catholicism is nagging my soul. I want a connection with God, but I truly have not ever felt I had a real connection with Him.

I want to know if Catholicism is worth pursuing, and if so, how to come to terms with the fact the church simply cannot accept me fully. Am I perhaps better suited to the Episcopal church?

I come from a place of genuine curiosity and love and hope to learn from the people here!

The statistic that something like 70% of Catholics think that gay marriage is okay often gets rebutted by how many Catholics think that the Eucharist isn’t really the Body of Christ (which seems entirely anti Catholic). So my question is, what other beliefs are there that are official beliefs but not many people actually believe them? As an outsider, is anything ever up for debate in the parish hall even if assent to the official Church teaching is ultimately the default? Such as if I voiced that I wasn’t sure if Mary and Joseph had a celibate marriage or that I think women can be deacons, would it go over about as well as suggesting that two men can have sex?