Seeking perspective
I was married to a very attractive/fit (giant muscle / military-type) man for six years, both in long-term marriages previously. His ex-wife told their kids he was gay and had proof, but it was a high-conflict divorce with a lot of crazy behavior on her part. Treated me well and had an active sex life, so I always joked that if he’s gay, he sure is good at hetero sex and we could always be BFF no matter what. He had lots of issues with his own insecurity, especially about his p*nis which was perfectly great. Sometimes he would have trouble with getting going, but he attributed to anxiety or drinking. Also had emotional immaturity / job / identity stuff that was very frustrating. Drinking problem but ‘manageable.’ Blended family with his bio daughter and my son and daughter. The youngest is my daughter by five years who he raised with me from nine years old.
Two months ago, my daughter (now 14) sent me a screenshot of a text she received from with an Amazon ad for very tiny women’s thong underwear (like a stripper). It said ‘between us’ and ‘if you like’ with emphasis when she didn’t respond. He had sent and unsent the message. I learned he had sent and unsent a pic of himself in a towel on Insta. And that he had OF on his phone (nudes) in view of her the same day the text was sent but tried to hide it. I immediately handled, and by the next day he was out of the house, etc etc starting divorce. The divorce was finalized in record time.
Prior to this, we were separated for one year, during which we were working on our marriage. He did not want to divorce. Wanted to try so hard. After a family vacay, I got a text from him early in one morning to say he was feeling a lot of insecurity about his p*nis (still) and wanted to have a procedure to enhance the girth (like filler). We had been together four years at this point. I freaked out because I was like, ‘Who is this for?? It’s not for me. And I’m very concerned that you’d want to go show it off once it’s done’ etc, etc. Pretty normal concerns and marital discussions. We started marriage counseling to work through it among other issues. Ultimately, I supported him doing it … and he had already scheduled it.
Separation (but not seeing others) continues for one year basically. Procedure is Feb. We are in therapy for most of this time. He’s highly attentive and doing all the things. I just found out, however, that he cheated with a woman we know in March. She was in a lesbian relationship prior and is likely the only gay person he knows. She said it was one time and that he told her we were divorcing and that he came on to her. She was drunk and regretted doing it, but she honestly thought we were divorcing because ‘he later was telling me about all of the things and people he was doing. I figured there was NO WAY you were together with what he was sharing.’
He was in sending pics of himself in thongs asking which to wear to meetups with men. He was on sites and going to men’s houses when traveling for work. Was in gay bars anytime he was out of town. Shared a pic of his favorite toy for a** **play (giant). Would get very drunk and then go to these meetups and tell her later that it was worth it but he his a— was sore. So lots and lots of detail over 6-7 months. All of this time he’s calling and texting me and coming home to have sex with me. He shared with her that when we were dating, he had an experience with two TS roommates. Shared that he prefers women, but likes the sexuality of it all and the acts with men.
She continued talking to and emotionally supporting him because she felt like he was a closeted gay man. I understand all of that and feel compassion but also very angry that I was lied to and cheated on for the better part of a year while he wanted to ‘save the marriage.’
He’s minimized all of it. Moving out was hard for him. He made some mistakes. He’s so sorry about the inappropriate texts and will seek redemption and forgiveness forever. Meanwhile, he’s already on Bumble (a woman found me) and posting gym selfies that appear to be for a male audience.
I know I won’t ever make sense of someone else’s behavior, but just interested in perspectives.