u/Capital-Ice-8064

Day 2 again. The loneliness is still there, and honestly that’s probably one of the hardest parts for me. When I’m busy, I can manage. But the moment I’m free, bored, alone, or have too much time to think, the impulses get loud again.

I’m trying to replace that time with healthier things instead of immediately looking for an escape. Going for walks, studying, keeping myself occupied, doing things that actually make me feel better instead of worse later.

But sometimes it all feels so futile. Like I’ve tried to change this so many times that even my own promises don’t mean much to me anymore. I know I can’t expect everything to magically change in two days, but the impatience and loneliness make it hard.

Still, I’m here. Day 2. Trying again, even if I don’t feel very hopeful about it yet. :/

I don’t even know how to explain this properly I genuinely feel like a messed up woman😕

I feel like I’ve become someone I don’t recognize. I hate silence, I hate being alone with my thoughts, and whenever things get too quiet I end up wanting some kind of escape. Sometimes that escape is PMO, sometimes it’s people, attention, conversations… anything that makes me not feel so empty for a while.

And then afterwards I feel disgusting and guilty and swear I’m done. I repent, I try again, I genuinely want to be better… but the patterns keep coming back. 😔 Even accountability doesn't help me anymore I've gone that bad.

It makes me wonder if I’m just fundamentally messed up. Like even if I eventually meet a genuinely good man, would I even deserve him? Why should someone good have to deal with all this baggage because I couldn't get myself together?

I’m so tired of needing something to fill the silence. I just want to be okay with myself without constantly running somewhere. :(