I F(19) I’m trying to breakup with m(20) boyfriend. ( how we began dating:
I met him when I was 12 and he was 13. This was 2019 I had a hugeee crush on him. We didn’t talk in Covid.
I saw him again when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore. I followed him around like a love sick puppy cuddled up to him whenever I could etc. despite this he rejected me, we became friends again, Very flirty but then he dated another girl for like a month. Then the summer after my freshmen year we kiss for the first time but he doesn’t wanna date me. I date someone else for a month. ( Nice guy but also liked another girl while we were dating so no hard feelings) I would still hangout with him but with my best friend at the time. She got a crush on him. I could tell he liked her to. I got mad at her and I broke up with my at the time boyfriend. I began dating my now boyfriend a month later and we both cut off my sorta best friend. I feel kinda bad at this but only for the boy I dated for a month bc my best friend did kinda suck.
I really loved him, I was so happy to finally have him love me back. Anyways about 9-12 months in he got really controlling. Idk one day it was “don’t wear this” and the next I was giving him my instagram password and my phone password. Now 3 years later
He has my email password and checks my emails, he checks all my instagram messages, he checks to see if I’m awake by if I scroll on TikTok. One time he saw I ordered a bikini called me to yell at me and canceled it. We’re long distance I’m at a art school and he does engineering. He constantly degrades my profession saying I’m not in a real school.
He also said I can’t smoke or drink without him but I find he gets drunk and smokes weed when I’m not there.
There’s also some emotional abuse (maybe)
I had a history of self harm and he would get upset when I did it. But if we get in fights he’ll cut himself and send me videos and pictures. And on one occasion I was annoyed at him over something small and I smacked him around and he elbowed me in the face on mistake and I cut my lip. I started crying and walked away from him and sat in my floor looking at the mirror. He then picked up a screwdriver and stabbed him arm. Blood was all over my bed comforter. Like I could see the blood pump out of his arm. I was trying so hard not to cry because my parents were downstairs. I don’t think he would hurt me but I’m makes me angry that he would do that in front of me. I feel so sick when I think of it.
Non of my friends know the whole story expect my sister and she hated him. Any of my friends who know him even a little hate him. Even his friends don’t really like him. His friends either talk behind his back or call him the n word to his face. His parents are drug addicts and are in and out of his life. One time I went over and cleaned his moms apartment that had rotting food and alcohol everywhere because she got evicted.
He always says I’m the only good thing in his life,
Recently I kinda put my foot down and went to my first college party and drank a little bit. I wore bikini to the beach and the pool. And even though I know he’s trying to be less controlling I can’t help the fact I don’t love him anymore. His face makes me sick. It ruins my day when he calls. I feel bad writing this all out bc in 3 years you see a lotta good and a lotta bad in people. There have been times when he is so kind snd funny.
I feel horrible bc even though he trying to not be controlling. I just hate him. Even his best friends say he’s evil and they would leave him if they were me. I keep trying to break up with him but then he unblocks himself and calls me untill I answer, he’ll send me videos of him crying and cutting himself. Idk what to do.
I’m so embarrassed even my friends at college know he’s bad. ( forgot to mention he post on instagram like a crazy person and makes vague comments and stuff when he’s mad)
HOW DO I LEAVE HIM. I can’t get police involved or snything. Idk how he gets into my meta account. I removed him, change the password set up 2 factor authentication etc. I feel like I’m in dark hole I’ll never escape.