u/CapsizedPlatypus

Hi all, thanks for the feedback on my first attempt - it was very useful! I've centered the query more around the inciting incident and added another comp. I'm trying to show some lighthearted tone, as is it quite a cozy read, but I'm worried that I've crammed too much info into the query, making it too confusing. Thanks in advance for the feedback.

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I am writing to you seeking representation for THE INTRUDER, a fantasy mystery of 105,000 words. This novel would appeal to the fans of Robert Jackson Bennet's The Tainted Cup as well as cozy fantasy readers who enjoyed Samantha Sotto Yambao’s Water Moon and TJ Klune's The House In The Cerulean Sea.

Doryan has spent a decade wondering if his younger brother was a figment of his imagination. His brother had gone missing during a family vacation in the House of Bogota and within days, was forgotten by everyone, except Doryan.

Now, Doryan is ready to return to this strange hotel in the woods and find out what happened ten years ago. He is hired as a maid, despite his professional qualifications including a doctorate in comparative religions and no experience in hospitality.

Not two weeks pass before another guest goes missing. The owner of this family-run hotel is assuring the guests that everything is fine, despite having imposed a curfew and sacrificed an innocent lamb to the gods. Meanwhile his family is placing the blame on the new maid. As this is not the first time someone had gone missing from the House of Bogota, Doryan is convinced the Bogota family must have kidnapped them. He is determined to reveal the Bogotas’ crimes to the authorities, before the victim’s wife forgets her husband, just as Doryan’s parents forgot their youngest son.

To uncover the truth, Doryan will have to denounce his narrow idea of magic and work alongside one of his sworn enemies – a Bogota.

Much like Doryan, I am a researcher lacking experience in hospitality. The Intruder is my first novel, a standalone with series potential.

Dear Agent,

I am writing to you seeking representation for THE INTRUDER, a fantasy mystery of 105,000 words. This novel would appeal to readers of Samantha Sotto Yambao’s Water Moon and TJ Klune's The House In The Cerulean Sea.

The House of Bogota is expecting a new employee. 

With its thousand-year history, resident ghosts, and an actual god working in the kitchen, the House is a most prestigious establishment. Its status would quickly change if its guests became aware of the memories they have lost. This family-run hotel comes with baggage too metaphorical to be carried by the porter, and Doryan is coming to unpack it.   

Doryan’s qualifications for working in the hotel include a doctorate in theology and comparative religions, no experience in hospitality, and a decade-old hatred of the Bogota family. He isn’t the only one to have lost someone in the House, but he is the only one who still remembers them. A decade earlier, Doryan’s brother went missing from the House. Now, Doryan has returned to the House, determined to reveal the Bogotas’ crimes to the world.

While searching for evidence of his brother’s kidnapping, Doryan quickly finds himself under suspicion. He has already seen the Bogotas murder an adorable lamb - which has done nothing wrong! - as a sacrifice to the gods. If he is not careful, the next victim could be him, or worse, an innocent guest.

To uncover the truth, Doryan will have to denounce his narrow idea of magic and work alongside one of his sworn enemies – a Bogota.

Much like Doryan, I am a researcher lacking experience in hospitality. The Intruder is my first novel, a standalone with series potential. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

~CapsizedPlatypus