I made a sigil back in 2019.
I have been existing in a time loop.
I wake up in a hospital in 2021 and the end of the loop is around July 2026.
Any one know how to exercise oneself of such magick and free themselves from a supernatural time loop?
I have been looping in time like this for at least 145 years. I would like to leave the loop. I'm seeking an exorcist from the catholic church next.
I have been daily driving LMDE on my laptop for about 6 months now and it has been the most reliable and enjoyable experience out of all the distros I've tried over the years. I've used the ubuntu based mint distros before and already ran into issues than I like. LMDE has the polish of Mint and the stability of Debian so I am very happy. Just wanted to say thanks to the community and make this post the share the good news of my experience. Thank you Mint team and thank you community!
TLDR:
I grew up believing in the Christian worldview and believed I had spiritual gifts. I studied every religion and system of magick to strengthen my faith and devotion. I made the choice to no longer believe in such a god and religion after educating myself and questioning the faith. I experienced torture, confusion, and hell at the hands of the Christian god because of my mind.. Discovered I'm schizo... And am making a recovery. Just curious about other experiences so please comment about your deconstruction, escape, and change of reality. Thank you.
Onto the whole shebang!
So since deciding that I no longer want to believe in the Christian God and savior I have gone through some stuff. It started out small and then grew into some of the worst stuff ever.
Why did I no longer want to believe?
I can't vibe anymore with the idea that a god and creator of the ways and nature of the universe decided that the only way to receive forgiveness for something called a sin was the shedding of blood. To me, if something demands the blood of anything then it is probably evil or dark especially if it's sacrificial to a being that wants it. The fact that Jesus's crucifixion and transfer of our sins onto him for us to be forgiven of them to get chance to make it to heaven instead of a torture chamber in hell for all eternity is carefully crafted belief and blood magick/death cult system. No bueno dudes.
So what happened?
As I said it started out small. An intrusive thought there and an intrusive thought here. I began to think that maybe I was being led astray by the Christian devil and had to wrestle with that idea by saying that if I don't have to believe in the god of the Bible then neither do I have to believe in the devil. I also began to struggle with having experiences of "supernatural" things that to me made me feel as if such a god was asking me to "come home" to him. Reality very much seemed to be on the side of such an entity as a witch friend of mine received a message from spirit that she had to share a particular song with lyrics about returning to a garden of the most high as if Jesus or I even thought maybe Allah of Jehovah was really reaching down. Bibles randomly appeared to me such as receiving a microwave from a friend that found it and inside was an old Bible.
Things also got really bad. I was attacked by a "demon" and almost possessed and taken to hell. I essentially had hallucinations of beings trying to convince me to follow Jesus and I genuinely wanted to after being so scared of all the evil I was experiencing. But it felt to me as if I was submitting my life and free will to the Christian God again. So I tried to not believe again and then faced my mind head on. I was once again experiencing something like the devil inside my own mind possessing me and making me experience the most evil of intrusive thoughts. Things about grape, murder, and things typically considered blasphemy or satanic.Then one day after continuing to tell my mind, the universe, and reality that I no longer want to believe in that God or at least submit to him, I began to experience intrusive thoughts of "Hail Satan" and I should just choose hell and piss on churches and be blasphemous to Christians on purpose because of hate. I didn't want that either. I genuinely just wanted to get out of the reality of the biblical perspective entirely and leave it alone.
The worst part for me was my doing of the unforgivable sin. I blasphemied the Holy Spirit/Ghost out of ignorance and curiosity. I had an experience where the holy spirit/ghost came to my bedside and it convicted me of my sins. My experience was that of something that had a grand voice and had a presence of fire like the sun and authority like God spoke to me and called me out on what I was doing. I asked it out of curiosity if it was female or a feminine aspect of God because it sounded womanly and I had learned from videos and books on Cabbalah that it was. This entity scolded me and told me I had just committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and will never be given salvation through Jesus Christ. It took away the spirit I had received in my body from my baptism and suddenly I began to experience what I thought were demons telling me to give up on Jesus. I started going to churches and getting on my hands and knees at their alters and pews begging God for forgiveness but every time I did I would hear in my mind or feel in my heart "No, blasphemy, guilty, salvation revoked." I would be out in town and would experience spirits inside other people like Jesus or Satan as if I was witnessing those two directly influencing what other said and did. Every time I felt Satan/devil I would be in fear and every time I felt Jesus/holy spirit my heart would cry to him for forgiveness but received a no every time. I began to cry because it felt like not only was I being tempted into following Satan and becoming evil but that God/Jesus were torturing me with their appearance and presence almost teasing me with the hope of salvation and healing or protection if I continued to obey but never received it or always got an audible no from them in my mind.
I began to really feel like I didn't have free will and wasn't allowed to believe in anything else. The Christian God was the truth about our reality and I was doomed to hell no matter what. Yet I no longer wanted to be bound spiritually to an evil and manipulative god that is apparently so powerful that if he snapped his fingers he could change the laws of reality and choose to forgive everyone who simply asks for forgiveness of any sin if they are sincere in their heart and want to change like me. I was utterly destroyed mentally and had recurring thoughts that I was spiritually dead and my soul was beginning to rot. I became suicidal and tried hanging myself. As I was hanging myself I experienced a hallucination of demons or beings masturbating to me hanging myself and I thought this was the kind of torture that was going to be in hell. I felt even more scared and worse about hells torture so I stood up and backed off of suicide deciding that the hell of life was better than the hell after dying.
Where am I now?
I am doing therapy every week and taking monthly injections for a mental health disorder. My therapist and I are talking about possible religious trauma from my Christian upbringing and experiences of episodes of psychosis. My psychologist has me on an injection for a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder.
I am studying philosophy, psychology, and the power of the mind. Studied and sometimes still look at magick and various magickal beliefs/systems because they are super informative on hallucinations and experiences related to seeing/feeling spirits and concepts about covenants and rituals performed by shamans, witches, and yes even priests.
I have always had strange experiences related to the supernatural and thought for a long time that maybe I had a gift since the boundaries of the spirit world and our world seemed thinner for me than for others. My experience of reality always did seem a bit schizo when I would talk about it to others and used to joke that if I ever told a doctor they would call me crazy. Turns out it was an untreated schizo disorder.
I have learned of and talk about a lot of things about the mind with my therapist and continue to improve in my abilities to no longer get sucked into a Christian reality and experience "supernatural" happenings related to that belief system. I have begun to believe that the mind can cause experiences in our realities related to any belief we have. While I still believe in magick and some metaphysical ideas about reality i believe I'm becoming more grounded in science and psychology. I no longer believe that every sensation I feel in my body is a spirit causing it or when my foot or hand falls asleep that I'm suddenly being possessed. I feel like I have hope for the future and will experience reality in a much healthier way. I feel more self empowered and have a greater feeling of responsibility to make my own choices to be wise and compassionate because I think them out for myself instead of just following others because "God" wants us to make specific decisions. I feel more of a weight to reality and free will more than ever and feel like I can believe in whatever I want to plus what is self evident and universally true from anyone's experience.
I feel like I have a chance to experience my best life because I and I alone have that power, choice, and responsibility. I am way less superstitious and have become skeptical and less willing to believe in the supernatural causes behind why certain things happen. I feel more honest at my core in saying "I don't know" to the question of their being a God or supreme ruler of the universe because in every belief system I have explored I have had some sort of supernatural experience related to them.
I am studying Buddhist ideas and practicing meditation and yoga to the best of my understanding and ability. I no longer think I live on a planet ruled by the evil Satan or feel the need to even wonder why the all "loving and good" God would allow such a thing to happen. I feel my political views changing from more modern religious conservative right ideas to more compassionate and accepting of new ideas I learn from the left. I am no longer staunchly conservative.
I am changing fundamentally as my identity shifts to a new hopefully healthier and more genuine me.
What do I want?
I want to read of your experiences of reality while you began leaving the religion behind. With your beliefs in such a god and the spirit world did you experience scary or difficult moments that made you question your sanity? Have you recovered from such experiences? Has your health improved since leaving Christianity? Honestly share anything you want because this post is a search for others who are struggling or have struggled. Like a search for hopium and community. This is my first post in the subreddit btw.
I apologize for the length of my post. I really hope to read some of your stories. I believe Christianity is a toxic religion that holds people in the past and produces bigotry, ignorance, the glorification and toxic misunderstanding of why suffering exists, and tyranny. It denies science and humanity's ability to learn, grow, and understand reality. I think it spiritually stunts humanity and creates a slave mentality. I think it always has been simply a man-made religion with a god thought up by men for the means of societal command and control. I think it is being used today to cause fear and confusion to those who believe and don't believe equally in the United States and is ultimately a dead religion whose corpse is held up by its enemy "Satan" and the blind sheep believers of the faith.