Struggling with thoughts about mum’s health while NC
I have been NC with my mum since August. Lately I have been thinking about whether I want to get news about my mum’s health / when she passes away. She has various health problems and she is fairly old (71) so it’s not unlikely that something will come up. I feel very conflicted about it and find it hard to decide what I want and how I feel. Just now I have blocked the numbers of my mum and my aunt (dad’s sister, with whom I used to be close and have phone conversations but she has bitterly disappointed me over how she handled my mum’s stuff and I cut off contact with her too). They can only reach me by email or post. My dad passed away two years ago and I have an older uBPD sister, with whom I am also NC. The rest of the family is not blocked but I am not in contact with them. This is to say that I have limited the ways in which news can reach me, which I am fine with - more than fine, it gives me a sense of safety and some breathing space. But I still find myself struggling with the idea of death/final days. I don’t want to change my contact arrangements, as I feel protected by all the blocks I have put in place. But I worry I might feel guilty if something happens and I find out much later or when it’s too late.
I know everyone is different but do you have any helpful advice for me?