Tired
This is my second time posting here and uh so. Basically I've failed every single unit 3 and 4 psych SAC except the poster one and biology too Ive failed every single SAC. Unit 1 and 2. And I have a bio SAC tomorrow and I've barely studied because of Ive been so depressed lately and we've since I started year 11 I haven't been doing much work at home, VCE really just screwed me over and not a day goes by where I don't think of killing myself.ive learnt to accept my failures and I've become absolutely passive and numb to failing, I don't care about it anymore, literally. And Ive barely tried. And I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up the thought of it makes me want to die because of the economic landscape I'll never do smth I enjoy. I wish my parents were supportive of me and my.likes but they aren't and. Fuck now I won't even be able to become what they want me to be (rich doctor whatever) because I'm simply not cut out for it just look at my grades. It's like they're blind to it, they still think I can succeed and be some business owner. I shouldn't be in this school I don't deserve to, the 30k is not worth it. Im sorry for this rant but I literally want to buy some weed and go against all my morals to feel smth and really be the bad guy I think I am, then I know for sure that I'm at least bad, that's smth. I've been living a lie all my life just pretending to me the high achiever my parents think I am, pretending I actually care. Giving what they want until they realise I've been creating an image for them. When I'm finally tested in year 12 they'll realise. And I can't even drop out. I'm just stuck in this seemingly perpetual cycle and it's starting to look like there is no light, if there even is an end to it. I just want to earn and work and live life, not this fucking pretentious study. Man I'm not cut out for this, my joy for learning is tarnished by the system and it's not like I get a kick out of passing anymore, there's no sense of relief getting an A, there just isn't.also something I just realised recently was that I don't think I'll ever grow to reminisce my youth, I don't think there really will be anything positive to remember. I'm trying real hard to think of anything, but when I'm 50 i doubt I'll look back on my youth like a fucking boomer because it sucks.