Never felt this shitty in my life before
Went out with office colleagues for pizza ; however could only eat one slice.
This year has been brutal for me mentally and physically. My boyfriend passed away last month after fighting cancer for 2 years. Watching someone you love slowly get weaker every day is such a helpless feeling. We met during ug, he was my first boyfriend, and honestly the healthiest and happiest relationship I ever had. For the last 4 years, he was my safe place. Even while he was sick, he still took care of me till the very end.
I’ve never felt as comfortable with anyone the way I did with him. He felt like home.
Since the funeral, I’ve been trying really hard not to isolate myself ; meeting new people, going out, distracting myself but nothing really feels comforting. I don’t even know if I’m grieving properly. I just know I haven’t slept peacefully in over a month, I lost my appetite completely, and I’ve lost around 8 kg.
And then I made a really stupid lonely decision.
I reached out to an old situationship and stayed with him for a week. We slept together and it just felt.. so wrong and awkward. I had only ever been intimate with my boyfriend before, so the whole thing felt emotionally empty and weird. But I think I was just craving comfort, touch, distraction maybe. Meanwhile he clearly just wanted sex, and I let it happen because I felt lonely.
Afterward I felt so horrible. I kept thinking about how my boyfriend would’ve never made me feel this unwanted or empty. And it hit me all over again that I lost the one person who genuinely cared for me.
Today’s just one of those days where everything feels unbearably heavy and shitty and I want to cry my eyes out.