Letting go (Long story)
I have a feeling some people might agree and some might disagree but I think there’s a point where you have to just come to terms with the reality of your family life. I’m in my late 30’s and I’ve had a rocky relationship with my dad’s side of the family. About 3 years ago I hit a wall in my life and started therapy. I just felt like I was spinning my wheels and getting no where. So, I started therapy and after the first session my therapist brought up child hood trauma. Honestly, I was skeptical and I thought I’ve already moved on from that stuff. I was open to trying and we decided we would talk about everything that happened. I also set the goal to get closer with my dad and my sister. They have a good relationship and I wanted to be a part of it.
Maybe the mistake I made was telling them I was digging into my past to see if that would help me. However, I did it anyway and at first my sister and I talked a lot about the past. I wanted her to know I was a scared, depressed kid who made choices and I wanted to have a relationship. I did things with my dad and made effort to spend time with them. After a while my life started to improve and things got better. Then one day I noticed my sister was graduating college and my dad and stepmom went to her graduation. At first I was a little bothered by the fact they didn’t invite me or mention it but I told myself it probably wasn’t personal and I sent her a message telling her congratulations and I was proud of her. She sent me this long message back about how she was really trying to have a relationship with me but it was weird and she didn’t know how to do it. To preface that it had been months since we last talked and a lot of our conversations had been about my dad and a lot of the abuse we both went through. I was shocked and I didn’t really know how to respond. Fast forward to the next thanksgiving (which has always been kinda weird because they never invite me to anything surrounding holidays) I told them I was planning to come down with my girlfriend (now wife) on a day. He said ok and my sister would be there at that time. I thought perfect.
We drove down and I called my dad and he didn’t answer. I texted him and it took almost an hour to get back to us and he said they weren’t at the house but would be there soon. When we got there it was uncomfortable and they seemed like they didn’t know what to do. My dad told me he needed to sleep because he works nights and my sister dipped out mid conversation. We left and we it kinda felt weird so I decided I wasn’t even going to try for Christmas. It’s just the same old thing every holiday and I realized I had people who did want to see me for the holidays so I said the heck with it.
We didn’t talk for a long time after that and my sister shared something about how she never knew what it was like to have a brother and that now she does because of this guy in her life. I was kind of offended and thought what the heck was I just doing for the past few years and she never knew what it was like to have a brother? So I messaged her and I was probably a bit emotional but she just ripped into me. She said a lot of cliche general things that really didn’t apply to me. It all came across as bullying and frankly rude. I just stared at the messages and was shocked but I just couldn’t do it anymore so I blocked her. But she said something about how I was trashing our dad and I told her that talking about abuse wasn’t trash talk but if she told me it bothered her I would’ve stopped. Then I messaged my dad and he said something similar and I realized the whole time I was trying to improve my life and get over the past, they were using it against me. I blocked him too because I just felt tired.
This all happened months ago and I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that sometimes you just have to let go. It’s similar to pursuing a romantic relationship and the other person just isn’t that into it. You have to come to terms with that. I have to accept that even if everything I did was wrong (it probably was) I did the best I could and this thing is bigger than me. I have to accept that no matter my efforts I will never make someone want to be a part of my life. Sometimes, I think I want to reach out and explain it but I don’t and I don’t think I can. I just don’t have the energy for it and I’ve been doing this my whole adult life. It’s been the same thing. I think the thing that triggered it was the hurtful messages I got from my sister. I kept thinking to myself she could’ve just said I don’t like you go away but instead she decided to tear into me and insult me personally. It’s like all her anger and emotions just came out on me and it showed me how she really felt. How they both felt really I don’t think anyone deserves that.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading if you did.