Advice for dealing with bad nightmares and living normally
I’ve recently had somewhat of a breakthrough when it came to events in my childhood about my father, and I feel helpless in how my mental state is deteriorating. I was in an emotional incestual relationship with him for most of my childhood, and had been molested while extremely young. Since I realized, i feel like every issue and mental block I’ve had has just been dialed up to 100.
I just don’t feel as though I can commit to living like a normal person like I used to be able. I’ve always felt a feeling of disassociation as both a neurodivergent and trans person, as I’m never going to be seen the way I see myself. But recently, I’ve truly felt like a man piloting a robot version of himself mindlessly. The week has gone by so fast when I’m paying attention to nothing, but at the same time, I feel like any reoccurring thoughts or reminders feel like they last days when they’re really hours. I’ve always been a flinchy person, but I can’t be touched by my friends unexpectedly on the back or shoulder anymore without feeling like I’m jumping out of my own skin. And since I know it’s because of these memories, the flinching just reminds me more and more. Another thing I haven’t ever been amazing at is fully committing to and enjoying sex, as I’m just an insecure person. But recently, my partner of four years has been so patient, supportive, and kind, all for my brain to recently betray my wants each time and just flash imagery that makes me sob. I’ve recently binged a new show, and while I throughly enjoy it and fixate on parts, there’s a situation that rings home so much to the point that I have to skip or find myself not watching because I’m in my head.
The thing that made me want to ask for advice was a nightmare I had on Sunday night. Unlike everything else, I don’t hardly dream or remember anything I dream of. I apologize if this is graphic, but I feel the need to write out what I’d seen to illustrate how gross it felt. when I slept, I had a clear dream of my father near me, but we are the age we are now and his body was around me. His hands were on me. He was saying and promising to do even worse things he hadn’t gotten far enough to do. He was smiling and laughing the whole time. In the dream, it felt like I went from seeing me and him as a scene play out, to sometimes completely changing in perspective and seeing him in front of me. It just felt incredibly real, and I remember waking up and just going through the work day without really any emotion other than guilt. And I went home and got drunken alone to a point that I don’t want to get to again.
I just think it’s really clear to me I have no strategies or really ideas of how to cope with this. I’m just thinking it will get better, but I feel like the memory is following me through evening. I just truly don’t know how to remind myself that the memories and nightmares don’t have to be completely ruin my life. I want to live again and I feel like such a sad person. Idk, I hope someone who’s gotten to the other side relates and can kinda shed some light. Everything and anything is honestly appreciated