u/Careless_Owl_5992

It has been quite a long time ,

For significant years I never have the courage to be intimate or feel like it. This isn't about sex , intimacy of any kind , feeling connected , sharing values , feeling mattered.

Infact I have done all of it and still do but I don't feel it.

The case with me is I don't know better or worse.

I have severe trust issues but they aren't in the way that anyone could tell. I don't or can't expect anyone to follow up with anything no matter how much I try, some of my life experiences have taught me that unreliability has a huge emotional cost over self and it happened so many times that I became almost defective unable to accept warmth , handling , love of care.

I have had the time when my maternal grandfather passed away and he got cremated without me because no one prioritised picking me up from school , I immediately rationalised it being a logistical issue or chaotic decision making , I'm no stranger to that but there were so many people , from different cities , hrs away my all the relatives from my mom's side were there other than me , that got my ego or I got hurt invisibily, when he passed away I was telling my friend I don't see him living too long at the similar time.

I have had experience where my father while drunk used to makeout with my ear when I was a child , he stopped eventually but I never figured it out until recently that it was some sort of frustration getting released like that, recently he had a stroke and his limbs are functionally paralysed the left sided ones. I was quite worried but gosh, I know he prob didn't mean that thing in a predatory way but it was my father that made me feel weirded out.

Tbf he drank himself to stroke particularly because we don't have a networth and he lost his job couple yrs ago in Covid and rent was piling up. He still asks me for reassurance it he will walk again and says he is a weak man , he can't handle pain. And i feel so nasty that I have to advice any grown man that

"Pain is the part of process , your muscles are locked and you aren't trying in physiotherapy properly" sounds so cringe even if it's true

There are so many other more competent , more rich , more experienced people in my life doing jobs. Just easily asking me if I'm angry with them because they did this when the situation at my house is this

And they ask for reassurance that i don't hate them and I'm not brushing them off

I never understood how does that happen, they barely know about me other than they have watched me grow up , well not literally couple of them are my 30plus cousin at Indian navy or airline. Whenever I talk to them I think "I am so jealous of you that you can ask and feel the reassurance that I give you."

Throughout years people so casually have told me random things even when I wasn't their friend or someone close like,

"I think of my sister sexually" oh comeon why do I need to know that? That person wasn't joking it's not even the fact that I attract wrong kinds of people, is the fact that people generally have way too easy time confessing their impulses towards me immediately after engaging init

They have confessed so many worse things immediately after doing it , you can guess in terms of range not just about sex , good thing none of them involve children directly .

It still takes a toll on my head.

Across yrs after that I used to feel weird in social scenarios , never dysfunction though. Whenever people used to call me a child of a girl I didn't used to mind. For now at 18YO I don't feel particularly sexually ruined or unattractive, I look pretty good that my body is not a bottleneck.

I still feel respect and acknowledgement at times but other than that anyone's negative thoughts or emotions dive straight into me. The assymetry is so severe that I have had disassociation episodes with hallucinations due to stress.

I don't look forward to life in a way that's positive it feels alien so much that don't know what that feeling is, I live daily to not be worse tomorrow, I think I could never feel better but I try to not include it as a thought.

For the last couple of days I have been overwhelmingly anxious and disconnected despite movement. Every pain or sensation gets connected to a terminal disease or rabies because I just touched a puppy a month ago.

It feels hard to move my limbs but I still walk because I try to keep that metric in my head that if I don't, it's more bitter tomorrow. My head produces lot of whimsy but in sad scenarios that make me lie down in bed for couple times in a week.

I'm still trying for freelance editing with occasional workouts and walks because well I'm quite broke O_O

Only three months of it getting restarted

In June I had 100plus dms sent , 30plus forms filled , 7texts , 2trails

And none of them converted , my trails weren't bad , I am not the pessimistic because I feel like shit kind. And my one client lowkey dipped after 2 weeks , lesser production because he probably started trying something else or I lost value , though the last reel of his that i made got 200k views thanks to his hook.

So yeah June was very unsatisfactory, I only got uncertainty from that month ending no wonder I feel worse and more anxious , my movement is getting me semi optimal results.

I still feel overwhelmingly awful but the applications will go on. Because the goal is to not feel worse than yesterday like I said.

I came here with a question I think but after writing so much , It seems as if it wasn't the point.

Thanks for reading this was the longest msg I have laid for any external eye to see :)

So yeah,

I have had anxiety and depressive tendencies since I was 14 , I am almost 19 now. Over my life i have never handled dogs or cats , petted some of them throughout my life.

9th June two stray puppies came to my house and started wandering , wagging their tails. I put one of them out of my door by grabbing it by the waist then dropped it out of building , I remember it trying to reach my leg but I didn't let it.

Next day ,

The puppy was crying the one I put out because we were getting my father down for his post stroke paralysis checkup , probably got scared.

After that i started having thoughts of it somehow getting through my broken skin , even though I didn't had scratches there but I think of the minor skin breaks you get from pullups or dumbbells on the lower part of your fingers.

I don't see any chance of bite or that there was but I am absolutely scared about it for some reason , maybe it's because the last image of that animal in my head is it's cries even if they were unrelated.

Every throat ache , every pinch on fingers , ever soreness makes me think It's over.

I'm thinking to get a pre exposure vaccine tomorrow but talking to people is so exhausting. I still keep my trajectory forward when it comes to life because I think the goal is to not make my internal architecture worse and movement helps out keep that.

I have read the FAQ.