F30 dating M40 for 5 years consistent arguments now surrounding one thing that has blown up a therapist brought abuse to my attention and I’m scared if that’s what it is or if she was just being cautious.
Hi I F30 have been dating my bf M40 for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but we have remained together. The ups and downs we both can be responsible for but one of the consistent issues I’ve had is my bf losing his patience with me very easily and can be mean. We’ve been together for 5 years before him I have one kid and pets. I moved in with him a year ago, and since then I’ve barely paid any bills. I’ve paid a portion for bills for some months but not half since he makes twice as much as I do like over six figures. Recently we’ve been arguing a lot and just not getting along arguments can stem from something simple and get blown out of proportion. Like if I don’t like the way he responded to me or something hurt my feelings and bring that up he gets extremely defensive and the argument starts. Once the argument cools down most of the time he’ll come around later and apologize and be understanding but idk why he can’t be understanding the first time. This week has been a series of bad events and stressors. For context I have not been paying for bills lately because he told me not to worry about it. He had expected me to save this whole time while not paying bills and I put the money towards other necessities like paying off credit cards, loans, and needs for my kid and pets and sometimes things for the house. As we all know things are very expensive so the money goes quickly and there’s little left over to save. With the events that happened this week and some additional stressors he blew up and raised his voice got very upset when I told him he takes care of things financially only because he seems to think that is the ultimate help. The financial help is obviously extremely helpful and a huge weight lifted off of me but it also means I am alone taking care of everything else. I’m alone taking care of my pets and my son and there’s a new job involved that is also taking up more of his time and energy. And I thought it was all understandable but I’m still alone. He blew up and demanded that I pay him half the cost of the bills when before when I actually was paying I was only paying a smaller percentage based on our huge income disparity. Now he’s demanding half and I’m freaking out feeling like he is financially punishing me for the things that I’ve done that bother him and he even said he wanted to teach me a lesson. I spoke with a hotline therapist this morning and she brought up abuse and explained that I’m in a vulnerable position where now I am reliant on this person for shelter and financial safety nd now this person can change the rules anytime they want and since I’m stuck with no way out it’s like I have to do anything he says. It is very complicated and I couldn’t write all the good things about the relationship or why I’ve stayed because that’s not the point of this post but there are other reasons I’ve stayed like when he’s not being this way he has been extremely glaring and giving. But he does bring up all the times he’s helped me in the past like he’s been keeping track. I’m not sure what to do. I feel like I’m stuck paying half and like is this all on me? He said he thinks I’ve been taking advantage of him but I felt like how could I be when I was doing what he told me to do which was take care of other things now he’s not happy with that and says I do nothing for him. When I ask what I can do for him he says nothing and just to take care of myself so it’s really confusing. I wish I could go on and on and provide more context to the situation but idk how helpful that would be. I don’t have a safety net which he is also disappointed about that. And so am I the shame with money goes very deep. The therapist I spoke to brought up abuse and how now I’m kinda stuck and isolated because I don’t tell my family and friends about the truth of our arguments or the things he says to me and it sucks to feel so alone with the truth. I don’t want to think of him as abusive emotionally or even financially. But I have had to ask him to be kinder when he’s upset for our entire relationship and almost broke up with him because of it. I’m also worried that our dynamic is harming my son we have argued in front of him before in very short spurts and had him leave the room so we could talk but I’m just tired of this powerless feeling and I’m also blaming myself for being powerless for not saving more money and spending it on everything that I thought I needed. I feel embarrassed and ashamed now. It also makes me feel so undesirable being with someone so successful who is surrounded by other successful people and or women and it brings up my insecurities like he even said what am I doing with someone who has no money or savings. I’m feeling every kind of awful one can feel. Is this all my fault? I want to take accountability for being bad with money but I also am deep into the relationship with rose colored glasses on. I can provide more context to replies because I already know this post is too long for someone to finish. Advice would be helpful thank you 🩷🩷🩷🩷