u/CarmillaSparkle

Hello there,

So me and my girlfriend met earlier this year. We started as casual, but started dating soon after and then became officially girlfriends after two months.

We have amazing chemistry, we are very different people but strangely very similar in some ways. Our troubles started one month into actually dating. We were both falling pretty hard for each other, but she needed confirmation and I was unable to make her believe me.

Before I met her I was going through a pretty hard time with my mental health. Unfortunately, I had developed a coping mechanism that involved thinking about my most recent ex (let’s call her A). My ex (A) was a very important friend of mine before we dated, so I really struggled with not having her in my life anymore.

When I spoke about my ex(A) to my girlfriend, she could tell I still had strong emotions about it even though I always would say I was over it. Which, romantically, I was, and have been since before I broke up with her. But obviously I was still struggling and still processing her loss. I believe this aggregated my girlfriend’s need for affirmation that I was on the same emotional level as she was.

We spent a month arguing about our emotions for each other. She would ask me how I felt about her, I told her I felt the same way she did. She couldn’t believe me. She would ask me questions, I would reply and try to understand the nuances. I ended up sounding inconsistent and like I was changing my answers. This eventually caused me to breakdown and break up with her.

We got back together after a month. But in that month I fell into a very intense depression. I went back into my old habits of thinking and, honestly, obsessing about A. I txted A, we had a decent conversation, but it ultimately ended with A saying she couldn’t be my friend and that she felt a bit used by me. That strangely felt like closure. I made the decision to get back with my girlfriend before this conversation with A btw.

When we got back together, my girlfriend asked when was the last time I had spoken to A. That’s where I messed up, I lied. I said I hadn’t spoken to her since the beginning of the year. Later I confessed I txted A during our break. This broke my girlfriend. She felt betrayed. It didn’t help that I had admitted to have recently written a poem about my teenage experiences that involved A.

This sparked a 3 day argument. She started questioning if I ever loved her. I felt broken, and as we talked and she asked question after question about how I felt about her. At one point I said that all of this has made me question my definition of love and I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. She told me she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. I mistakenly told her I didn’t know if I loved her.

The thing is, I do love her. I still believe I always felt the same way towards her as she did for me. I just had a hard time expressing it. But now, she truly believes I don’t love her. She believes I only “like” her. But every time I talk to her I want to tell her I love her! I feel like I can’t, because she won’t believe me and will just say I’m going back on my words. But I can see how this is effecting us, and most importantly her.

I don’t know what to do. How to make her feel loved and supported by me. I fear that because of the way she views me (as not being over my ex, and the things I said during our argument) she won’t believe that I do and have loved her.

Would love to hear people’s insights.