Got into cyanotype printing last week for a university assignment. This one is probably my favourite print, Made a double exposure on photoshop and added in some leaves while printing!! What do we think!!
Hey girls! Sorry for the massive freaking life story… read if you wish hahah. So long story short, my (22F) boyfriend (27M) wants to become a DJ and it’s causing me so much anxiety. Before I sound like a terrible partner, our relationship history has been really rocky and I feel like that’s why this is affecting me so badly.
I definitely have anxiety/anxious attachment and my therapist thinks I might have ADHD too, but I’ve genuinely never felt anxious to this level before. I cry almost every day, my thoughts about the relationship feel obsessive, and sometimes I feel so disconnected from myself. I know that’s not normal and sometimes I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy.
My boyfriend and I met when I was 21 and he was 26. At the time he was backpacking around Australia and was super avoidant emotionally. He didn’t want to commit or label anything. Early on, I checked his phone and found messages between him and a friend where his friend said he hooked up with an ex-fling at a festival while we were seeing each other (we weren’t officially together yet, but still).but he denied this
Then he went to another massive festival without me and when he came back there was an opened pack of condoms in his room. I questioned him about it and he said “I thought I told you, they were my friend’s, I would never cheat on you.” I left immediately and we ended up having a huge fight over the phone after.
Later on, I moved with him to an isolated party town, bought a car together for a road trip, and left all my friends behind. I was so lonely there. He worked a lot and I really struggled making friends with backpackers. Then while we were living in this town, I saw messages from another girl asking him to catch up, and he organised to go for a “stroll on the beach” with her without ever mentioning it to me, they didn’t go because she never responded and he said she was just a friend from his hometown in italy(which she was) . Meanwhile he barely took me on dates or made me feel special at all. I got into my dream university course at my dream school and he didn’t even get me flowers.
There’s honestly been multiple situations involving other girls throughout the relationship. Nothing where I have undeniable physical proof, but enough suspicious behaviour that it completely destroyed my trust. Every single time, he denies everything with so much certainty that I start questioning myself.
Now we live together in Melbourne. He switched to a student visa which is a massive financial commitment, and we share an apartment. Things are more stable now and our relationship is “okay,” but honestly I still just feel sad. I feel like I had to do so much emotional work in this relationship. I had to beg for the relationship to be labelled, teach him how to love me properly, teach him boundaries, teach him respect. And even though things are calmer now, I still can’t let go of the past.
Now he wants to seriously pursue DJing and it’s triggering me so badly. He used to be a massive party boy — festivals, drugs, nightlife, all of that — and I feel like meeting me slowed that lifestyle down a lot. I’m scared that becoming a DJ is going to pull him straight back into that world, and because I already struggle to trust him, I’m terrified I’m going to end up hurt again.
At the same time, I feel guilty for feeling this way. I don’t really enjoy partying anymore and I keep wondering if I’m just being uptight or boring, or if I’m stopping him from being himself. I like dinner parties and camping with friends and maybe a wine night, but a heavy nightlife scene drains me. I genuinely can’t tell if my anxiety is clouding everything, or if my body is trying to tell me this relationship has never actually felt emotionally safe for me. It’s so strange, he feels so safe for me, but then he is also causing me the most anxiety I’ve ever felt
I think what I struggle the most with is believing that he is this cheating monster? If he did cheat, this means every single relationship I’ve had, I’ve been cheated on. And I don’t get it? I’m smart, I’m pretty I’ve travelled for almost 2 years around the world pretty much by myself, im kind and independent, I don’t understand why this happens to me. I also don’t understand how he could lie like this, he’s paying so much money for a student visa to stay here with me, his parents visited from Italy and are learning English to speak with me, and we are going back in July to visit all of the family. I just don’t understand and feel so confused. We can’t do a partner visa because he’s on a student visa and can’t afford a partner visa so there’s no visa motivation behind this and I just don’t get it at all.
We have had so many conversations about the past and he denies everything, says he was just scared to commit at the start because it would mean not returning to his home in Italy and starting a student visa, he says he’s never loved anyone like me and he would never do anything to hurt me. He really has changed in a good way for this relationship, but it just took so much from me to get this change. I’ve caught him out in little lies, but nothing has ever been officially proven and I just don’t know. I know there’s no point being anxious in a future I can’t control, but if anyone has any advice for me it will be gladly appreciated 🫶
Chicken and rice and some salad for dinner :)