Am I wrong for feeling blown off with 4th of July plans and my partner
I'm nervous posting about my relationship because it's hard to know the people in these stories purely via text, but I think I need advice from people my age.
I am a divorced 36yr old lady, dating a 30yr old man and we have been together for 3 years. We are both chefs. I have high standards, I need a plan, but I try to go with the flow when possible or needed.
Let's call him Jack. Jack is really chill, usually never makes plans, and usually goes with other peoples plans. He has a past that includes drugs, and crime. He was in prison for 3 years, but I feel like most people wouldn't guess it. He recently quit smoking cigarettes' too, but still smokes weed, in all of his free time.
We both worked on the 4th, I am a pastry chef, so I work earlier and got of a little late, after 3p. We work at the same business, just different kitchens. He is usually off at 4p but stayed a couple of extra hours to make bread for a special.
He called me while he was at work to get help with his bread, and I also tried to ask him about plans for later. He had nothing on plans. The day previous we talked about how we both didn't really care about the 4th, and we didn't have plans. His plan was to watched soccer and "chill".
I mentioned that I might want to drive somewhere to see fire works and he seemed happy with that and mentioned a spot we could go, and said he'd take me there for fireworks show. Since we don't liver together, we usually have to coordinate if I'm going to his to pick him up, or meet him at a place. My apt is in the opposite direction, so it would make less sense for him to come here.
When he got off, He called, mostly to tell me about how his bread turned out. I tried to ask him about plans, if he was going to come to me, or otherwise. He just said he didn't know, and he was tired. He probably didn't like the idea of coming to me, but didn't state that. He avoids negative answers, or when he thinks the answer is not going to be liked by the person. So he normally wont say anything if he thinks it's the answer you don't want to hear. I was busy doing my side job (content creation) but we continued messaging.
Jack: My moms trying to go to my aunts right now
Me: We can to your aunties - is it not early though? - you come meet me here? I'm also curious about the bay (the place we had originally planned to go)
Jack: It’s opposite direction to your house. And idk what time they’ll do the big show but people light them off all day long on the beach.
Me: What do u want to do? - Cuz I thought u was gonna originally not do anything? And then you were gonna do something with me.
Jack: Yeah I didn’t have plan. I stayed at work late and both my mom and uncle texted me to let me know if I wanted to go there for the 4th I could. But my mom is leaving now. So I wanted to just go with her because you’re streaming. And then you can come whenever your done with stream.
Me: Idk if I want to go to there. I was kinda pumped about the Bay. N i was hoping to nap maybe - I took drugs too so idk if I can drive - U can go, but I can't promise I'll make it.
Jack: Okay
Me: R u ending the convo? - Im just bummed cuz I thought you were just gonna chill with me and do whatever - Are you going to ur aunt's
Me: I Called Jack twice
Me: R u hanging up on me?
Jack: Im in the car with my mom talking. On my way to my aunts. Give me a min to respond please. I hardly give my mom my presence and I currently am trying to and you blowing me up is incredibly unhelpful.
Me: I think your just gonna spend the fourth without me then. I feel like you bailed on me. And you can't even fucking talk to me before you ditch me.
Jack: Okay I’m sorry you feel that way.
Me: You weren't gonna go anything until I wanted to go see fire works and you said you'd take me. This just feels rude. I really hope you enjoy the fam. I am just gonna stay home because you were my plans. I'm just really upset and I don't know what to do about that because I really doubt you understand how sad I am now.
Jack: I thought you would want to come to my aunts to see the fire works but I guess I was wrong.
Me: I thought whatever we were gonna do, we were gonna do it together. U then just decided to go with ur mom. If you really wanted to go and really didn't want to drive, I thought at least I'd come get you. It hurts that you just have into your mom and your uncle when you and I had plansI don't feel like going there myself. And now you can't do anything about it. So I'm just gonna nap. U won't even call me.
*I sent him some voice messages while crying after calling. I was still trying to figure something out. I didn't have his aunts address. I waited till I knew he'd be at his aunts to call.*
Me: Why don't you call me. I don't understand how you feel like it's ok to just leave me hanging.i don't understand how you don't feel bad for ditching me. I have like 20 min still shows start and you won't talk to me. I need you to understand that isn't something I'm gonna forgive you for. You won't communicate. I tried making plans with you earlier when you were still at work and you refused. I do not understand why it's so hard for you.
Me: I really don't understand why you won't just call me
Me: Calls twice
Me: Can you please just call me. - I don't even have ur aunt's address - And your ignoring me
Jack: I was visiting with my family… give me a sec and I’ll call you. - If you want to come I can send you the address.
Me: I just want you to call me - I just wish you could tell them one min so I can't get on with my night.
Jack: Okay I will call you
Me: You should have called me when you got there - How much longer am I gonna wait - It's already dark - Can u just call me - Plz - Omg.
*Jack calls over 20 minutes later, for 3 min. I hardly said anything because I had been crying and I was hurt. I dont remember what was said except he eventually said "we're doing an activity, so im gonna go" *Hangs up*
Me: Wow. That call lasted 3 minutes. That's all I am to you
Jack: You chose not to come. I invited you. I did not ghost you. If you’re gonna be upset fine but don’t make up things that aren’t true.
Me: I assumed we had plans with each other and I expected that you were going to figure out plans with me instead of just choosing to go to your aunt's without me, or even a conversation with me.
^last message for the night^
I had gotten dressed, drove to the bay myself, watched fire works alone, after the drugs I took wore off, so it was late. I then went to the club with some friends, but I was sad, so I didn't stay long.
Next morning, (today) He messages.
Jack: I told you about going to my aunts and you said you didn’t feel like going. So you vetoed doing what I was going to go do. I went with my mom last night because it didn’t make sense to go to your place. Wait for you to finish streaming then drive out to the bay and not get there till after it’s dark. Everybody already blew up their shit. And also exhausted and have to turn around and drive home. - I’m sorry I “ruined” your night but you 100% could have joined me and chose not to. So have a little bit of ownership of your actions as well. - Also I was already tired from staying late at work to make the pretzel bread. And when I told you about it you literally only cared about getting recognition for the bread I made..
Me: I ended my stream, and due to steam, I was already ready and yes I was a bit tired but you could have discussed this with me if you wanted to. It really just feels like you don't like me or something. - No I didn't just care about recognition. I actually told you gj, I'm happy for you. That was a small piece of the convo because I'm kinda tired of men taking responsibility for my fucking ideas and hard work. Yea you made the bread .. But who worked on that recipe and made it so understandable a non baker could bake it. Not only that, but literally put 3 recipes together for you, so you could succeed. Yea, you could have found a recipe on the Internet and done it entirely on your own. But you came to me. I worked that recipe for months. Retyped, edited. Etc
Jack: 👌
Me: I praised u way more than I asked for credit...damn I kinda expect my partner to have my back and recognize when they've been helped.
Jack: You’re clearly overly emotional. And I’m trying to not smoke and your emotional instability is actively working against that. So until you stabilize yourself I’ll be enjoying my day alone. Because I have a goal I’m working towards and I’d hope my partner would want to help me succeed rather than work against me. -You didn’t praise me more than you wanted credit actually. But nice try. Idk why you’re being so difficult but I’m really not into it. - Cool so me baking bread that I asked if you could make for me is stealing your ideas and hard work? Let me know when you’ve joined reality again.
Me:
No it's not. But if you make something great that would have been less great without my help.... And our boss only sees you making it and credits only you, I just feel like even a coworker who likes me and realizes the help they were given would have given me more credit. - I recently heard that Nate took all the credit for getting K moved to bakery. Not me, not G
Jake: You’re absolutely ridiculous. And you acting like this, makes me absolutely not want you to help me with anything. because dealing with you after isn’t even worth it. You’re acting like you own the fucking bread I made. And you’re more concerned about getting credit for a recipe than anything else. So cool thanks for making me feel like shit about something I was super excited about. And proud to have turn out good. - Not that you actually probably even care.
Me: I literally talked to you on the phone about it when you got off while I was streaming. And I congratulated you
My comment about credit was like 1% of that interaction.
From here, I was trying to get him to tell me where he put my bakeries egg wash, he refused to tell me, telling me he told me yesterday. but we had a poor connection and I didn't hear where he put it. he didn't put it back, my bakers were looking for it. So I emailed all of the chefs at work to bring it back to bakery since he wasn't being helpful.
Jack: I actually did last night. You just didn’t even notice. Idk what you’re going through but I don’t want to be apart of it right now. Leave me alone.
Me: Yes chef - When you called after work I couldn't hear you for most of it.
And you never told me where you put it. If you did, I didn't hear it cuz bad connect
Jack: 👍
When we first started dating, I attempted to break up with him once or twice a month. I think I felt the clash of our standards. I stopped doing that and tried harder to meet him with our argument/problem resolution style. I recently broke up with him for a couple of months during spring. He yelled about his problems to me, in front of all my bakers...scaring 3 of them at least. They still do not like him to this day. To get back together I wanted us to do couples therapy. I resolved and took him back with out it. He doesn't think he needs therapy.
I am currently dating him in secret. Non of my friends or coworkers know we are back together. We both enjoy the privacy. but apart of me feels embarrassed to tell my friends.
TLDR: bf didnt hang out with me on the 4th. He felt like he could do whatever because he says he had no plans, but the day before he said he would take me to watch fire works. Instead his mom drove him to his aunts to watch fireworks, and invited me to come later.