Did interacting with demonic figures make me a better person?
Context: 27F
It all started with a dream I had where I went down an emergency staircase and ended up in a labyrinth filled with corridors, doors, staircases, elevators, and demons. Some of them were horrific. They said extremely bizarre and disturbing things to me and tried to do equally terrible things.
My Jungian therapist encouraged me to do active imagination with these figures. I waited until I felt ready to do it, and then I returned to the dream. But instead of trying to control anything, I simply let them say and do whatever they wanted. Even when things became horrific and violent, which was not easy at all. It was deeply disturbing at first. I just observed and listened. I answered their questions as best I could. Sometimes I asked questions too.
Some attacked me with bloody violence. Others wanted sex. Others wanted me to breastfeed them, give birth to them (!), or free them (they were in chains). Others wanted to feed on me. I let the experience unfold and simply observed. I’m not kidding. I kept thinking, “My God, what am I doing?” while simultaneously feeling terror and ecstasy.
Afterwards, I became very afraid. I wondered whether I had done the right thing and whether this would eventually make me a worse person somehow (although some of them told and showed me things that were genuinely important and valuable, which I explored with my therapist). But what if I had opened the gates of hell and all my unconscious contents started leaking out and everything went horribly wrong?
I expected myself to become ruder, more aggressive, or somehow stranger. I expected terrible things to come up for me to deal with. But what has actually happened has surprised me so much.
First of all, I had been dealing with a huge creative block. And I started writing again!!! I had missed writing so much. I even hyperfocused and spent hours writing my book, which had been on pause.
And I started getting emotional over everything in this beautiful way. The sunrise. A little dog asking me for affection in the elevator. A neighbor’s smile. My mother’s hug. Why was I crying over everything? Why did everything suddenly seem so beautiful?
I took a step back and looked at my life as a whole, and realized that it’s actually very good. I realized how much I love my parents, how lucky I am, and how much I love the home and the place where I live.
And I started dancing again, too!!!
I’ve also been reflecting a lot on my relationships and how I actually feel about them. There’s so much going on. I feel so sensitive, human, and artistic. I don’t even know how to explain it. I’m feeling so much love.
All of this caught me completely by surprise.
In terms of Tarot archetypes, it’s as if I were the Queen of Swords and suddenly became the Queen of Cups. Or the Empress.
Not complaining at all, but… why? I’m intrigued.
I still have a lot of work to do, but now at least I feel like I’m being sincere with myself about what I feel. Does that make sense?