u/CaterpillarNo660

As in the what ifs? What if I’d taken them to the doctor more. What if I’d been faster and took him to er? They did this or that I noticed but thought it was something else? The guilt of feeling like you didn’t do enough to catch something early on. Also for me the guilt of not being there when my dog died. Thankfully he was with my mom but I missed his death by minutes. I remember him looking up at me as I left and I asked if he wanted to come. He laid his head down and stayed with my mom. So thankfully he died with her by his side but… not me. And it’s killing me.

Been exactly a week and I’m just numb, as we all are. I’m extremely tired and haven’t really been eating.

Just wanted to come and shout into the void to people who get it.

I didn't think it would happen for a few more years, I thought I had at least six, my old man was only 11 but woke up this morning to white gums and a white tongue and before any action could be taken... he was gone. I had gone to get the car while my mom sat with him so at least someone was with him when he passed (and honestly he loved his gram I think more than me) but I'll never forget him looking up at me when I was leaving and I asked if he wanted to go with me or wait with my mom, he put his head down which indicated he wanted to stay with her. By the time I got back to grab him... he was gone. Still warm. I held him for a bit before making the calls.

He had multiple friends and human/pet and I've been getting dozens of emails and messages. It's a bit overwhelming.

I'm numb and sad but I'm glad he died at home rather than at the vet surrounded by people he didn't know. I'm glad yesterday he got to see his favorite people and dogs at the park, and later in the evening his other favorite people and dogs in the neighborhood. Still... I wonder had we been able to make it to the ER would he have survived. Was there something different I could have done? More medical appointments? More wellness checks? More something? Maybe not. I read that it's not good to think about the what ifs. Still... I'm gonna miss him. He got me through some seriously hard times. Rescued him in 2017 when he was about 1 years old.

I'm so sad.

* He was a scruffy terrier with an underbite. Man I loved him.