Having a hard week
I finally got the courage to end my 21 year marriage with my narcissistic abusive husband. I was holding on for so long trying to see if he’d change, if maybe for once he’d put me and our two kids first. I thought I was the issue and saw a psychologist 3 times. I looked up how to be a better mother and wife and have grown and changed. I asked my husband if he wanted to go to counseling and he refused. He said there was nothing wrong with him, that I had issues and it was all in my head. The only thing he changed was he stopped cursing at me and calling me names. But he was still gaslighting me, using condescending words, lying, yelling, hitting the walls till his knuckles bled. I didn’t know if he’d come home as Dr Jekyl or Mr Hyde. I got bad anxiety. I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. I finally decided that I needed to be happy and move on finally told him I wanted to separate and he needed to move out. I couldn’t keep expecting him to change and be better. 21 years I gave him. I’m so mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. Last Saturday the 16th he officially moved out. The next day the 17th my cat passed away from eating anything and everything she could find. Found out this week that the elderly woman I’ve been taking care of for the past two years is dying and will pass away any day now. I know we’re not supposed to get attached but I learned to love her and her family. That hurts too.
My kids are hurting but they do understand and saw the abuse. My daughter is actually glad and proud of me for standing my ground and separating. My son not so much.
Im glad I told him to leave but at the same time Im questioning myself. Was there more I had to change? Was there more I could do? Was it my fault he would yell, throw things and abuse me? Did I do something to deserve the abuse? My mind is all over the place right now. I need peace and healing.
I appreciate a place to vent. I feel like I have to hide how I feel especially in front of my kids.