How do I stop being hurtful?
I (F) turned 25 two days ago. For this occasion, my boyfriend (33M) and I drove to my hometown to celebrate with my family. The party was great, my parents, grandparents and brothers were here, we had the best time eating cake, opening presents and taking family pictures.
As a "25th birthday" present, all my family chipped in to get me a digital piano. I was obviously very grateful, even more so that I had been playing piano before going to the University and then starting my worklife. My mom also got me some plants, because I have a few in my apartment. She got me five plants to be exact, and my first thought was "Oh no, how will they fit in my tiny space?". I obviously thanked my mom and did not complain. To be frank plants were a really cool gift, it's just that five felt too much for my space.
But then I don't know what got over me. At the end of the weekend my boyfriend and I drove back home and I just felt so sad for no reason. People (friends and family) had been teasing my turning 25 and saying I was now old and "on the downhill side of life". I know they were joking and that 25 is suuuuper young, but I couldn't help reflecting on what I had done with my life so far and I felt so bad. I feel like a failure. Sure, I'll enroll in a pastry school in September, I have my own flat, a job and I pay for all my expenses. I also have the best boyfriend ever and I feel tremendously grateful for him as well as my friends and family. But I couldn't help feeling so, so deeply unhappy and sad and just so like a failure. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, because I have all the keys to be happy but I still feel like a terrible person and a failure.
So I broke down in tears on the highway and my bf had to stop on a rest area and asked what was wrong. I told him how bad I felt about myself and that I was terrified of him leaving me just like all my past relationships left, that he would soon discover how underwhelming I was as a person and that he would grow tired of me. He did his best to reassure me and we carried on driving.
Then, once at my place, he helped me moving the piano and the plants and that's when I was very bad. I started complaining about having five plants and nowhere to put them, that I would have to buy shelves and planters and I couldn't afford it and that my mom basically got me a poisoned gift. Once in a while I would apologize for being so unappreciative but I couldn't stop trash talking about my poor mom who went out of her way to buy me such a cool gift. I ended up giving up 3 plants to my boyfriend, saying I didn't want them. He didn't argue with me, told me to get some rest and left after a kiss goodnight.
The next morning I felt so guilty about my attitude and I apologized to my boyfriend for all the horrible and ungrateful things I said about my mom. He told me it was okay and I just had a breakdown, which happens.
But still I feel so guilty. How could I say such things? How could I be so bad mouthed and ungrateful? How could I be such a horrible person?
I'm scared my boyfriend will leave me, now that he witnessed how horrible I have been. And I don't want to live like this, to have been so horrible talking about my own mother. I want to change, stop complaining, be more grateful and gentler and kinder and less of a selfish brat. How can I do? I feel so helpless and undeserving and I just wish to stop being so hurtful.