I don’t know what I’m feeling
This is likely all going to be a mess because I’m awful at storytelling and asking for advice
Preamble -
I know for sure that I am aroace and experience no attraction (except for what I’m about to discuss) - in terms of micro labels I’ve mostly given up on this because I’m always confused and can accept myself mostly without them
In terms of gender I’m something not cis but idrk and am comfortable enough generally as a male
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So,
About four years ago I had this friend (female) who got feelings for me and we would flirt (I think, idrk exactly what flirting is) and after a couple of months we got together because I was open to exploring and wasn’t out to anyone yet (this was also my first relationship). We dated for 5-6 months and sometime in the middle I came out to them and they accepted me. Throughout the relationship we would do some sexual things and I was fine with it. In the end I broke up with them for an unknown reason (I forget why). I do not know if I experienced any attraction to them while we dated, but I do know I loved them platonically.
After we broke up we stayed friends and after a few months we kept doing sexual stuff because we both enjoyed it and they still liked me.
From this point on we were best friends who would do sexual stuff together and would do what platonic bffs do. They like me romantically, sexually, and platonically - I like them platonically and I don’t know if I do the others or what those even feel like. This is all still going on and the situation hasn’t really changed.
At some point since this began, she discovered she was aroace spec and generally didn’t hold attraction to anyone past around a month (I am the big exception). We also at some point made an agreement that eventually we will get together when I’m comfortable with being in a relationship again.
I am completely comfortable being in a platonic and sexual relationship with them and they know this - the issue is romance. My feelings towards a romantic relationship are a mess -
I want to be able to give her what she wants romantically but I find a lot of it uncomfortable, I don’t want to hold hands or kiss or go on dates in public and be perceived as a boyfriend.
To make things more confusing for myself, I know I would be comfortable with it if I was perceived as a woman but there are other things I would rather be perceived as different genders.
Now my actual problem that I’m looking help for -
Since we’ve been whatever it is we are, they have had other men then like and they’ve explored those each time, this is all okay with me and I support them. However, as they get closer to these guys romantically, I start to feel sick and jealous of this romantic relationship- especially if it gets close to being sexual.
I’m making this post now because they have a new guy (which I support) but it also hurts so much, and recently they told me that it hurts to be waiting for me to get comfortable with the relationship so they want to pursue this one legitimately, which I understand even though it hurts me so much (I cry over it).
As of right now, I somehow would be okay with being in a romantic relationship with them, I’d hold their hand and kiss them if it meant they were mine.
But I’m almost certain that if we got together and the other guy wasn’t in the picture, id be less comfortable with it all.
The actual questions
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Any advice on figuring out if I am attracted to them (low priority)
Any advice on how to get over being uncomfortable being in a romantic relationship and being perceived as such (high priority)
And if there’s any other thoughts or advice id love to hear it. I’ll try to answer any questions there are if something needs clarification.