u/CemeteryConfetti

My man and I went many years without intimacy.
I always worked 60 hour weeks and we were on opposite schedules for work.

He still prefers porn. I have a high libido and his has “dwindled” yet I caught him watching porn recently.
I can also tell when the skin on his dick is peeling. I’m not an idiot.

Anytime I bring this to his attention, he gets angry and shuts it down.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN AND PORN!?
I am always ready to go, and get hit on by men all the time.
I love my man with all my heart but the porn has caused a major problem.

I’m 36, and grew up in an unstable alcoholic home.
I always swore I would never turn out like that.
Got bullied so bad at school for being dirt poor, chunky, wearing the same clothes every week, etc. Then came home to get berated and verbally abused by my drunk Dad.

I “robo-tripped” many times when I was 15 off robitussin.
I did it for a long time to escape. I hated going to school and didn’t want to go home.
I OD’d and it was a disaster; hit the 4th plateau and couldn’t talk or move, was hallucinating, etc.
The paramedics were middle aged men who made fun of me the entire ambulance drive to the hospital and I just remember tears streaming until a younger EMT told them to stop.
Never did it again. But am aware of the similarities of ketamine treatment.

I then developed a full blown eating disorder going into senior year of high school and the bullying stopped.
I then began drinking at 18 when my friends I made from senior year of high school went to college and told me to come out and party with them.

I got addicted immediately to alcohol and thought I found the answer to all of my problems in life.
Always worked 2 jobs; full time and a part time side hustle. Got wasted every night after work, and still managed to get up everyday and go to work like it was no big deal.

Alcoholism got worse and worse and I got into benzos and coke.

I now am sober a year and a half. The longest i have ever been sober.

I have been mentally ill since I was about 7-8 years old.
Always thought about “disappearing forever” before I even knew what that was or what it meant.
I have had constant passive thoughts of ending it all everyday, from when I was a kid until now.
Sobriety has had its ups and downs.

I have been institutionalized 4x for attempts and somehow survived. Been on every psychiatric drug known to mankind and still want to self-delete…
I was also sexually assaulted 3 years ago at a party and haven’t been the same ever since.

My current psychiatrist specializes in addiction and recommended me Spravato. My AA sponsor is against it and thinks prayer will save me… I had to flat out tell her that I’m not religious and that I’ve been dealing with SI everyday since I was a kid. Then she said, “well then that’s between you and your doctor”.

I am so desperate. I have tried everything. Failed at 4 attempts. Everyone is scared I will get “addicted”.
I don’t like the feeling of dissociating; having been through alcohol and drug withdrawals was terrifying.
I don’t want to experience that. But I am so desperate at this point and want to try Spravato.

Can anyone with an addiction history give me some insight?

Thanks 🙏