u/CeoLyon

We put our focus on money and then we crumble to bits...

To accept the things I cannot change...didn't I try to change them and aren't I still able to change them—by doing the same thing yet again, expecting different (and more favorable) results? Insanity is built into gambling and doesn't even hide.

The courage to change what I can...I cannot change what happened, but can't I go back to the same thing that put me in this unfavorable position? Can't I win? Didn't I want serenity from this thing that took it away from me? It's only right that my serenity be returned to me by this thing that has a surefire way of taking it from me, is it not?

Logically, I think that's why we went back to gambling so much: we sought justice from an unjust system until we realized the only way to make things fair was to disengage it. What did we lose? Our autonomy and integrity—more than anything else...

Our brains got hijacked and we complied to a new way of being where gambling was now the higher power, a higher power of a lowly nature that we sold the rights to. There is another higher power we turn our will over to that actually has the best intentions for us if we set the intention for the right things—the righteous things. Gambling gave me exactly what I needed, and for me that is the knowledge that gambling is perhaps the last thing I need.

Do we need money? Well, a little extra would be nice, sure. Did we need to lose it to see what we really need? The only way I found resolve was to lose the money. When I was winning, I couldn't stop. It didn't matter if I took out redemptions and secured profit, because there was more profit to be had, and all that profit was manufactured to be returned with interest. I did pay to win. I did pay for entertainment packaged as freedom. I did enslave myself to paying for a feeling of superiority, and I did have to be humbled (and still need to be).

The only conclusion, the mathematically decided conclusion, was for me to lose and to seek elsewhere. But how many of us begin to seek elsewhere and how many times did we keep seeking gambling as the solution before we could get a clear enough picture of what was happening? Of that I am not sure, but there are no excuses for me anymore.

It's no longer about money. The only way it's about money is when we gamble, and it takes so much more than the money, draining us of more than we wagered for. I hope we get through just one day here, deflecting whatever arrows come from the enemy. I hope that when we reach the end of the day, we go to bed grateful. I hope this for everyday for everyone.

I thought recovering from this would be a breeze.

Here's the jist to save from my long-winded rant: "You’re describing the psychological mutation that happened underneath it — the transition from believing you were exercising intelligence to realizing you were actually negotiating with self-worth."

I remember a time when I had this "strategy"—this seemingly repeatable way of coming out of a session with profit, with pride. I remember when this strategy first failed...I remember how unfair it was. I remember, after reattempting and escalating this strategy, realizing there is no such thing as a reliable strategy (or strategy whatsoever). All in all, I remember starting as a reasonable, strategic gambler and then becoming a reckless junkie—a glutton for luck and a sucker for punishment. I have refused to even take an honest look at myself in the heat of it all, in the rush of trying to rectify some demolished persona...this teething desire to be right, fed by a system of external validation.

A system of external validation. Let's sink into that for a bit. Being able to take an honest look at myself now, to take my personal inventory, I cannot avoid some things. Before I continue here, I want to say I am speaking about casino games and poker more than sports or day trading, as I know those come with their own set of rational delusions (if you will—oxymoronic air intended).

Gambling kept me blind from acknowledging that it was feeding my need for resolution. This thing that artificially bolstered my self esteem and sense of value, this gambling, distracted me from realizing this personality deficit I have—this defect of character. I was using gambling as a reflecting pool...as the mirror on the wall for a hungry ego.

It rewarded me on its own accord. The decisions I made were minimal, effectual only to the point that the wager was placed—the cards were dealt just the same, regardless of position and timing, and the game didn't care who won or lost what. The game doesn't care who you are or what you're going through or what you're praying for (and furthermore, wouldn't God opt out of positively reinforcing one's idolatry of material pursuits...), it simply runs you through its cogs. We started worshipping this mechanism of unconditional disregard, conditional only upon registration of account, coupled with free offers, and then more free stuff you have to pay for (but the value!), and then charges for membership—more perks included! We were convinced of the perks of this membership before we emptied our pockets for them, thinking the perks would fill our pockets twice over—and a duffel bag to boot!

This is a very long-winded and disorganized rant, yet I digress.

I thought I had found genuine fulfillment and a smart way to make a little extra on the side, but what I discovered beyond that mirage was something truly hideous. It was the thing I suspected it was before buying the scam—it was a scam. (And of course I no longer knew it to be a scam while it was scamming me. Well played.) Advertisements are especially dangerous when the gambling industry utilizes them. They sell something no one else in the business can—paying to win.

That's not what's advertised, naturally; the ad doesn't tell you you'll pay the small price of a crumpled up dollar to win nine spectacular, shiny dimes (well, it almost does): it convinces you there is nothing to lose *at all*—and then that risking everything you own (and everything you can get loaned) is worth it for not even a false promise anymore. It's worth it to get the chance to feel less worthless, while it in turn only agitates this overarching sense of worthlessness. It has all the goods and it requires your goods for a chance to claim them. Look! Now it has your goods too! I wonder how much of that is other people's goods 🤔

Yeah, now they're bads. Now they're the diamond-encrusted grill the wolf wears over its flesh-ripping fangs, saying, "just step into my mouth...and you can be the one to take it!"

Happy Day 1 to me in a self-admittedly prolonged and tedious recovery journey! Peace be with all y'all's ✌️ODAAT

Could've been celebrating a month today. Instead I'm operating through that shit mood of a relapse. I'm out of it now. There is truly nothing I enjoy about this. It's a losing game. There is no entertainment factor when it comes to losing money like this and getting baited with wins. It's not even spending money the way you can spend it on a movie or literally anything else. It will get no better if I gamble again. There is nothing to reclaim in the money department. Right now, I feel much better at accepting this. There were times I was out of work and I gambled and it worked out. Now that I have a job, I am basically saying my job doesn't mean anything by deciding to gamble this money. Lost money is not the problem anymore. It's just me.

I am convinced, at least right now, that any attempt to deposit and play again will only injure me.

It is not as simple as losing money. If I deposit, I give away my power. If that power returns to me in the form of profit, I am cursed to continue. If I lose it immediately, I am cursed to risk more trying to reclaim it.

Is there any world where I can gamble, walk away with profit, and be happy? No.

Is there any world where I can gamble and simply walk away with profit? Interesting to admit, but no.

Does profit even make me happy? Again, surprisingly, no.

So what do I actually want from this?

I want to reclaim the power I gave away. But every attempt to reclaim it follows the same path: giving it away again.

I am far better off retaining my power and integrity than depositing again and hoping this game will return what I willingly surrendered. I am far better off not hurting myself again.

I have this as a wallpaper on my phone. I don't know about everyone else here, but my primary reason for going back to gambling was always about money. I know there are some gamblers who legit do not care about profit, so I wanted to share what has been helpful for me as a gambler who was obsessively focused on trying to multiply what I put at stake. Every time I open my phone, I am confronted with a statement, in bold, colorful letters, that says, "DON'T THINK ABOUT MONEY".

As many of you may relate, gambling absolutely destroyed the healthy relationship I had with money, so much to the point that thinking about money at all became obsessing about how I could mess around with it in any and all casino style games. I made some sports bets early on in my gambling career, but I never got as manically attached to sports betting as I did to casino games. The instant gratification and short-lived, repetitive anticipation is what did me in.

I've realized my biggest trigger, more than anything else, is thinking about money in general—at all.

The second I start obsessing over what I have is when I am in danger, because gambling became the disheveled accountant in my mind, fumbling pages, rummaging through scattered ledgers, scribbling frantic notes, trying to keep up with the chaos while it was the one initiating and perpetuating it in the first place.

I feel at peace every time I read, "DON'T THINK ABOUT MONEY". It stops me from going to that mental space which has been added to my mind by this addiction and which is incredibly destructive and wrought with worry and inadequacy—and on the flip side with arrogant pride and false affirmation. A coin of sin getting endlessly flipped.

I don't flip that coin anymore, and I'm looking forward to all the positive changes that will undoubtedly take form in my life with this demonic monkey off my back! Happy Monday, folks.

Some site gave me 120 SC to mess around with. I would've been better off ignoring it, but I decided I would just throw it out there like I don't even care about it. Turns out I'm thinking about gambling even more today. Yes, I placed a wager, but I didn't deposit and that's a world of difference for me. All the damage comes from putting your own money in, naturally.

I am finding it only slightly difficult to not want to actually deposit now. It's funny that this is exactly how the "free" concept works. Immediately I was reengaged and felt that hollow sensation as soon as the money did not return to my balance. As much as I told myself I didn't care about the free sweeps coins and was just going to treat them as such, another switch went off.

I'm officially 30 now and I will not be going back. I will not make another deposit ever again and I will do what I did for all the years leading up to when this began and mutated my thoughts and ideas of how to "shcheme" (Ifyaknowyaknow)...

Someone left their phone on my school bus today. I took a bunch of high schoolers to a coliseum from some "Seniors Signing" event. When I found the phone, the lock screen read, "Remember the promise you made with God and to carry His presence throughout your day." I'll take that as a coincidence.

On Day Ten, I'm simply wondering how I'm going to keep myself from reclaiming that money the only way it wants to be reclaimed...

It doesn't even matter if I got it back from something else. For real, if someone was like, "here's your losses back and you can't gamble again", that wouldn't even do the trick.

It's not even about having the money back, it's about continuing the addiction. Never thought I'd realize that and it makes any subsequent attempt from here on out an absolutely warranted failure.

I need three people to run through the rest of this first heist with me. I've only gotten in with a group twice over a week only to have a troll on my team blow up the bus both times.