My move made it obvious that at this point my mom is non-chalantly taking advantage of me.
For context, my (F29) job requires long-term business trips and relocations. My previous such assignment was two years in a developing country with a much lower standard of living than ours, and my mother (an unemployed, single F59) asked to go with me "to help and take care of me while I worked." Even though we shared a flat in our home country, and I'm a completely independent adult, who takes care of all our problems and fully supports us financially, I was forced to agree (she threatened to go there without my help), even though I warned her many times that it would be difficult for her to live there (especially given her very limited English) and terribly boring, and that I wouldn't have time to spend time with her because I was going there to work, which would take up many hours.
Naturally, we lived for two years in constant hysterics and scandals because I didn't devote time to her and didn't communicate with her enough (I spent all my very brief free time with her and, subjectively, interacted with her as much as I did at home, but due to boredom and maladjustment, this was naturally not enough for her, and she perceives work as something like my annoying hobby that I choose only to avoid communicating with her).
A year later, my position changed and I needed to relocate again, to a relatively comfortable country. I'm not yet sure how long I'll be staying in the new location; I work a lot, and visa regulations here are much stricter (I likely won't be able to get a dependent visa for a healthy woman who's under retirement age, either in my home country or here). Remembering my mother's behavior during and after her last trip, I honestly told her I wouldn't be comfortable if she wanted to come with me. She could certainly decide to go, but she should understand that I won't have time to be coddling her, will not live with her and I won't be able to take her with me right away, either financially or legally.
My departure revealed even more ugly aspects of her attitude toward me. Now that her mask of “I’ll be there to help you with everyday life,” which I purely nominally played along with to hurt her pride, accepted while studying abroad and on her last trip, no longer worked, she openly began to say that I was a traitor who left her completely alone in a “terrible situation” (I rent her an apartment because she made hers uninhabitable and I fully support her financially, she is not limited at all in any hobbies, solving health issues, and so on, but she does absolutely nothing for whole days and almost does not communicate with anyone), and that it is my filial duty to be near her physically to take care of her in case of physical infirmity (with her, there have not yet been situations where this was required, but after my departure, she suddenly began to feel so terribly she allegedly has difficulty even getting to the bathroom without help), and when communicating with her, to exude tenderness, affection and care, which are completely absent now (I communicate with her in more or less same calm and friendly manner all my life, over the years I've just start snapping at her attacks and rude comments more because I am not a child anymore and have some bondries and bending less to her opinion and because I'm essentially the head of the family and determine our life now).
I've clearly realized that my mother doesn't care a damn about what's important to me: my career, comfort, achievements, and circumstances. In recent years, I've become her meek servant, expected to provide for her emotional well-being, solve all her problems, and maintain her very low self-esteem with my obedience and affection, ideally while earning a good living and transporting her to other countries so that her friends will envy her, or, conversely, being in such a mediocre position that she feels more fulfilled in comparison to me.
The fact that she essentially creates comfort for herself through me and associates me only with this comfort was a shocking and unpleasant discovery for me. Now I understand that this may have been the case for most of my life. I even feel unloved—no matter what she says, she doesn't see me as a person, and I wonder if she ever saw one.