u/ChadCoconutOil

See it so often with friends, family, and others where it's like bitch you know that ring is fake, you know he's full of shit when he tells you that "communication and being real are, like, really to core to who I am", you know he doesn't gaf about anything besides sports betting and the game you can see it in his eyes, and you don't need closure yk damn well that's just an excuse bitch the fact that he doesn't want you IS the closure😭

I think it just irks me to see so much time wasted on entertaining delusions or playing house. I remember one friend talking about her boyfriend later admitting to lying about liking country music on their first date since she likes it and she seemed to think it was cute and whatnot but I would be horrified like is that not a deliberate lie to manipulate the situation in his favor😭😭 I guess that's not really the same thing but I just wanna see them get a bit of a grip.

It was a really nice event they had it in this beach house-cabana type building that slightly mimicked an alter with canvas prints of him leading to and on the stage.

There was maybe 150 people there and a lot of them came up to tell stories about him and they usually boiled to a telling of him being funny, hard working, or brave. Everyone seemed to remember him as being strong yet gentle.

They had a gospel band come up from out of state. Not a whole choir or anything just a band and 5 singers and holy hell the lead singer just really put on a show. They did about 3 songs with two being on the more gentle side and the last one much more fast and upbeat and man this lady sounded like Axle Rose or James Brown or something like full on screaming about Jesus and I'm not even religious but it really got me ya know?

My friend's mom and some of the children were breaking down pretty badly. One little girl had to be taken outside during the third song after she had fallen on the floor. Their family isn't even particularly religious but it honestly felt like a religious experience like a scene from Jesus Camp or something.

There was a bit of an intermission while the caterers set up and after that it was honestly pretty lively. They ordered from a BBQ place and combined with the weather it really helped the whole thing feel like a big party. They played music he liked and it was a mix of a lot of stuff honestly they played a lot of rnb, older country like 70s or 80s, some corridos or salsa for a bit, some rap.

They had two sheet cakes one being a simple strawberry cake and the other this incredible deep red velvet I mean you could tell they put some serious magic and craft into that red velvet good god. Incredible.

They released doves during the sunset and lit a few fireworks towards the end of the night and like I said I broke down once before during the service and definitely came close before and after that but as soon as I got back in my car I could feel it coming back and I got home and just cried for about an hour or so.

I didn't really know her brother all that but regardless it's just so sad to think that he felt so hopeless that he chose to just stop everything altogether, the good and the bad. Maybe that's obvious, but it's definitely what was running through my mind when I found myself crying again.

I've definitely been trying to distract myself since he died and I think even though I didn't know him like that, his death will just be something that has affected me.

Well all the characters, really. Whether that's before or after the wish being made. I definitely found the film effective regardless but yeah I was kinda thinking like man if they would've leaned into the whole slice of life drama thing a little more lime in 1984's Threads where I think they spend up to about 45 minutes establishing that tone and the characters.

For example when they're in the car and Sarah flat out says Nikki and Ian have been hooking up like why wouldn't you give us something in their dynamic for us to pick up on that?? The film obviously has no issue with ambiguity so why be so overt with something like that? Of course there's the issue of runtime I understand but that really would've slapped.

Do you guys think Inde's performance or Nikki's character will actually be remembered long term? Idk personally

Sometimes I think about how it seems like nobody wants me in any capacity even when they do get to know me. I feel like I'll never actually be wanted or just liked in particular by anyone. I feel like I look at others and see the way their eyes light up for each other or how happy they make each other and even though I feel that way towards others, they never seem to feel the same towards me.

I won't lie, yes, dating is a big part of it. I've never been rejected and immediately cut but sometimes I'll think about the sort of cumulative reaction whether that's romantic, friends, groups, whatever, and just feel so frustrated and sad/hopeless that it helps to just put it somewhere physical.

I'll say part of it is definitely so that I can at least have something tangible to be able to point to and say well that's what makes me ugly or defective.

I've heard people say like oh you just haven't found your people or the right connection but I really don't think I'm so unique as to be holding out for some special connection whether it's romantic or platonic. I talk or listen to others and I do feel a connection, I do feel that human click where they are speaking to something you yourself have experienced in some way, shape, or form.

I feel I've gotten myself into a sort of catch-22 where now if someone does see my body they'll know that I would do something like that to myself, they'll probably assume I'm unstable or can't handle my emotions and maybe they're right. It's of course not the most mature or ideal way to handle your emotions but Jesus when a negative emotion just persists and persists you get so desperate to not feel it just for a bit.

I guess I'm just rambling at this point. I really don't think I'm autistic or have OCD or anything like that as I just don't relate to the symptoms or peoples' experiences with those things, but I can't help but feel a deep confusion when looking at the social parts of life and feeling like others are tuned to slightly different frequency or something.

I know longing and yearning and whatnot are human and sources of great passion and I guess if I had the choice no I wouldn't choose to stop feeling that desire, but I would give just about anything for the constant confusion and lack of belonging to stop at least for just a little.

Is it this hard for others as well to find people that even want to talk to you? I was so excited to grow up and make small talk with strangers and meet people wherever I go growing up, to make little light banter and references that others would get and appreciate. Sometimes when doctors offices ask if I have any genetic defects or something like that I'll say "well I'm Irish" and it almost never gets a laugh unless they're like 50+ which I feel like that's a pretty timeless one so wtf

Whether I'm in my relatively large suburb area or I go out to the city (Seattle) it really does seem like the vast majority are almost completely closed off. For example I was sitting on this bench in a less busy part of the city and there was this girl around my age a few feet away when I saw a mystery machine van so I just pointed it out like oh look it's the mystery machine. She looked at the van then back at me like I had two heads.

In my experience cashiers are typically fine actually but that's kinda different.

Something about specific designated activities like rock climbing and stuff people suggest just feels really gay but damn people aren't even doing small talk anymore😭

Holy shit you've actually been talking for like 7 minutes and covered 4 different subjects that I've indicated literally zero interest in why the fuck are you still talking

And it's always the dumbest, most obvious shit like yes Huxley sometimes technology can be good but it can also be bad. Why did it take you 25 years and like 10 years worth of weed to toot out an idea like that.

God for-fucking-bid they wanna show you a video. If you show me a video you want me to find funny or interesting, just send it digitally so I can fake my reaction if the genuine one would be rude, otherwise you better have a real heavy hitter. If you hand me your phone in person to watch a whole video it better be the first time I'm hearing about Jeffery Epstein or something I mean it better be good.

Or when they try to tell you a story and even if it is dramatic they're trying to almost "sell" you on the drama or "set the scene" by being all theatrical and looking for your reaction and saying shit like "is that crazy or what?" Bitch even if it was crazy you're so convinced of yourself it really waters it down like men used to tell the most horrific, depressing, incredible stories you've ever heard like it was nothing. I remember one guy telling me about his grandpa (🙄) who fought in WW2 and how he only had two left boots on his feet and was fighting a guy and noticed that he had two left boots on as well which sure is a pretty profound story but this goofball is sitting there talking about "isn't that really something? Shows we're not so different after all🤓" STFU!!! You should've told me that story like it was some nonchalant shit and I would've been enamored but you had to go sniffing your own stink (and it's not even yours btw literally clout chasing off your grandpa's war story like let that man rest).

I feel bad cause they're not being malicious at all if anything they're being very earnest but good god what do I have to do to find a guy with the actual wisdom to not just blabber on and just wait until you at least have something to say beyond the point of just filling space like do you not get tired of hearing your own voice? Jesus

Just really had to get that off my chest

Well technically I've had sex but it was so quick and awkward so I'm mostly talking about those who've really been able to just blow the dam open with the sweating and the skin and the hot breath on each other. It's like getting antsy after sitting for too long but it's in my chest.

But yeah bitch it really sucks not getting any try doing 25 years😭 and it doesn't matter if you're ovulating or how horny you get or whatever it is you just need to thug it out and try not to let your head explode.

It just always comes off so tone deaf like some big, decadent Lord all fattened up on dick complaining that something isn't exactly to their liking, looking at the peasants from the window and feeling some sort of one sided, faux comradery. You don't know shit. A man touched my shoulder blade a few weeks ago and I nearly collapsed you are not on my level.

I tell you, when God finally snaps his fingers, when lighting strikes the ocean of oil, and I meet a guy who I like just as much as he does me (or vice versa) I will not stop until his nuts sound like hollow ping-pong balls upon a flick of the finger. Mark my words.

I'll sometimes find myself thinking something to the effect of "Oh, I could never be with a man who has slept with many women, or a man who dislikes animals" just to remember that it doesn't much matter as no guys are asking me out, never really been liked back, etc and it just makes me feel like I'd be lucky to have anyone actually want me.

I feel like the more people get to know me, the less they like me. I guess I can be a little quiet at least in groups but I don't like fixate on stuff or overshare or anything like that, I suppose I can sometimes have a habit of calling someone to vent or like multi texting but even then it's rare and it's not like I'm blowing them up but if anything I try not to be annoying.

Sometimes it seems like others have this sort of magnet in their chest that draws them to each other and it feels like I have that pull towards them but not them towards me and that just kinda hurts sometimes. It's not that I feel entitled to others but I just imagine life is a lot more vibrant when a you have people or someone to really share it with at least consistently.

I generally like myself and feel good about the trajectory I'm on and my effect on the world around me and whatnot but then I look at the fact that at least from what I can tell, nobody has ever really felt strongly about me and it makes me wonder if I'm not picking up on something. I'm no super model my ears protrude a bit and my hair is kinda thin but otherwise I actually really like how I look.

I'd love to have kids someday and I increasingly feel like it's never going to happen. Sometimes I wish I was a different person or hope that if I hold out and do good it will be different in the next life.

We're already not that close at all so there's not even really that aspect of like oh well make the most out of the time you have left cause literally all he talks about is material objects like stuff to resell on ebay (which sounds cool until it's literally 50% of every conversation they want to have) and Israel/democrats, and he talks so damn much. I mean this guy will spend 10 minutes telling you a story from last week he's told you 4 different times in the exact same word order.

Now I could sit through this if it weren't for the flashbang of a whistle he does almost every time he pronounces something with an S-sound. Especially with his place being hardwood floored it's like a smoke detector going off right in your ear and whenever he's talking you're just spending the whole time bracing for impact. I swear it's like BOOM flashbang, xyz, BOOM flashbang, etc etc.

I feel so shitty saying all this but it's like Chinese water torture or something and I know he can't really help this.

So I went out with this guy that I've been seeing that I posted about a while ago and how I really like him but he doesn't have the most direction in life etc. but I doubt anyone remembers that.

As a good bit of you might know, we had a problem here in Seattle yesterday at a food festival which is where the guy actually took me. We were near one of the exits by the banana pudding stand so I think it was the south exit when this lady ran by with a stroller and we thought she was simply being rude until we turned and saw the whole crowd coming.

Of course we start running and he has his arm on me like kinda pushing me and there was this little boy running with someone next to us and I guess some people got between them cause I felt him let me go so I look back and he nearly throws this kid to someone I think it was a guy I honestly don't remember but I was still kinda running and he said like go and run but kinda caught up. A second later he stopped again and I heard him say "your BABY?" and I look back and he's running back into the crowd and I guess he could tell this old woman with a baby was with the lady cause when I was on the street on top of this staircase looking for him he was behind the old woman kinda shielding or guiding her and the baby to the woman.

By that point the actual main chunk of the commotion had died down and overall he was calm about the whole thing if not quiet afterwards but I gotta say in hindsight I am just amazed. He dropped me off around 9pm and I'm not usually a huge kiss initiator but I had to plant one on him.

I think 7 people were knocked down including a little boy so a lot of people are still pretty worried about the whole thing but yeah it was just crazy and we both thought it was weird they didn't have bag checks or anything like that.

I don't know why this is on my mind so much in particular the last two days but yeah I've just been feeling like there's this idea that once you get to about your mid to late 20s it's more about stuff like your values and emotional maturity and all that which is great we love values but I can't help but feel like I missed out on a time where something like your job didn't really matter or whether or not you wanted kids. I've only been on a few dates since turning 24 and idk it doesn't necessarily feel sterile but maybe more of a coordinated effort might be a good way to put it especially with it being harder to meet people organically once your out of school and stuff.

Maybe it sounds dumb and it's not that I necessarily want drama and turmoil and whatnot but I want that level of passion and intensity that would feel that ya know??

Also this feels this immature to admit but I can't help but feel like when I find my first relationship and assuming it's not his, that he just won't be as into me as I am him and I'm down to just be with one guy forever so yeah I just worry that the guy wouldn't be able to like me or be as excited about me as I am him or that he'd have some sort of baggage.

Really L posting with the intrusive thoughts or whatever but there is a feeling that as I get older I'm just not as "hot and young" as I was and like if I meet a guy now I can't give him that prime or whatever which I only turned 25 in early June but I think especially turning 25 has brought on that feeling.

He was 24 so more around my age as my friend is 27. I don't know why exactly but that sticks out to me.

He wasn't weird or anything just a bit quiet. He was a good cook, taught himself Spanish, very punctual and reliable always did what he said he would and when he said he would. He deeply admired anything that took skill and originality whether it was a musical performance, a boxer, a gymnast, an actor, he respected the hell out of it.

I remember he would have these sort of benign but funny observations with the two that always stuck with me being "when the food comes, the conversation is paused. We can reconvene toward the end and during dessert but the meal is work time." and the feeling that eating long noodles in public was too vulnerable and intimate on account of the possibility of a mess, that he preferred to eat them at home. I always found those kinda funny.

They have a nephew who's a little younger than he was and they would often come up with increasingly ridiculous scenarios like one being opening a casino with completely rigged games and the CJNG as security, and on the off chance someone would win something they would immediately be dragged away and forced to have more margaritas. The authorities would one day come to shut the place down and in attempt to destroy evidence they smash all the monitors, not the computers, just the monitors before getting into a Lamborghini and blowing the building up by dialing a phone number.

They also had another about a guy who wins the powerball and is so paranoid he buys the whole neighborhood and essentially turns it into a prison with barbed walls and search lights and dogs. A woman comes to his house after meeting on a dating app but the whole street is dark and she's not sure if she's in front of the right house so she calls him. Without a word said the man flips on massive floodlights that nearly blind the woman and the concrete wall slowly opens while the man says "please enter" over a speaker.

He was a pretty funny guy actually I'm gonna really miss overhearing his non sequiturs and hypotheticals. In all the years I knew him he would sometimes reference a friend of his named Maria but other than that no I never saw him with any friends or on the phone with one or anything like that and tbh I have a feeling he was lonely.

I remember he was an overall lover of music he had everything from Tammy Wynette to Mudvayne to Aaliyah to gospel music he really did just love it all. He was big into movies too so we would talk about that sometimes, he had a lot of cool foreign posters like he had a Japanese poster for KIDS or I think it's a French poster for Koreedas After Life which he actually recommended to me and still is one of my favorite movies ever.

This really fucking sucks. When I started writing this I was more shocked than anything but yeah the sadness is definitely starting to set in. On one hand it feels like I didn't know him well enough to be crying over it but on the other it's like the idea of him feeling so hopeless or lonely or whatever it may have been that he chose to do that and imagining how scared and alone he must've felt in his last moments.

I last saw him about two weeks ago and yeah I didn't know him super super well but Jesus it just seems like there's this pocket of silence in my life now. It's kinda crazy to think that if he did this to anyone else it would be considered the most violent, final, and irreversible act you could commit and he did that to himself. I know he left a note but that's it I don't know anything else regarding that.

I wish I could put it in a more adult way or something but the thought that's in my mind is simply that I really wish he didn't do it.

Edit to say he had another bit he would do where he would say like in preparation for pulp fiction Christopher Walken actually kept a gold watch in his ass for 5 years, or that in preparation for sully tom hanks actually flew a plane into a river, stuff like that.

He also had another one where it was Anthony Bourdain but he's just super closed minded and sitting at some food stand in Vietnam being like wtf I'm not eating that, taking a bite and gagging, calling it disgusting, and doing monologues where instead of being positive and passionate about food he's just saying like "who even eats this shit etc" or standing at some vendor in another country and just repeating bacon egg and cheese not understanding he's not gonna find one.

Like I said we didn't talk all that much but he did put me on to jaron lanier and Marva Collins and just interesting people like that and I always appreciated that.

I don't think he had much in the way of education but no he didn't come off as uneducated at all.